The bar just off Grafton Street was pretty full. I glanced at the fat old tart sitting next to me. Jesus, what a bag. We started chatting. She was fun. She had a great sense of humour. I laughed like a drain as she told me filthy joke after filthy joke. I wondered what she’d look like spread-eagled naked on my bed. I nearly pissed myself with laughter at the thought.
Kicking out time arrived and we were standing on the street. “Where to now, Bertie,” she enquired, swaying drunkenly in the night, and clutching onto my arm. “I could manage another Jameson’s or two. Me oul’ man won’t be expecting me home for another hour.”
So I invited her back to my flat. It was only five minutes away. She plumped herself down on the sofa and I went to get us a couple of glasses of the amber nectar. When I returned, she had taken off her cardigan and undone her blouse. Her ample, mottled mammaries were bursting out of her bra. It was one of those old-fashioned nursing bras and she unhooked the clasp in the middle, the bra separated and her huge pendulous breasts flopped out, like two enormous ripe aubergines. You could have tied a reef knot in them. She patted the seat next to her; I sat down and she knocked back her whiskey in one shot. I stared in fascination at her.
She reached over, undid my belt without a word, unzipped me and carefully took out my semi-erect cock. She leant over, examined my penis, pulled back the foreskin carefully and took me in her mouth. In between sucks, she told me to fondle her tits. “Squeeze them nipples hard, Bertie my love, squeeze them and I’ll come for you. But don’t shove yer hand up me skirt unless it’s a fistful of stawberry jam you’re after. I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, I am.”
After a few minutes’ deliriously skilful sucking, I came into her mouth and she gobbled my semen down hungrily. She lifted up her head and I watched in fascination as her face contorted in pleasure at her nipple-induced orgasm, The bestial expression on her lined face when she climaxed was the most loathsome sight of my entire life. I could barely believe it when she let out the most enormous wet fart I had ever heard in my entire existence. The putrid stench was indescribable and I feared for my fucking sanity.
"Oh sweet Jasus," she exclaimed, "but I do think I have crapped meself again, and all." And her hand dipped down into the back of her panties only to emerge with severely stained and odourous fingers, dripping prolific and pungent anal oozings.
After wiping the shit off on the Axminster carpet, she reached out and finished my glass of whiskey with a resigned yet satisfied gulp. “As me mother said, there’s no taste better on God’s green earth than a mixture of good honest spunk and Irish whiskey,” she declared before dressing herself and asking me to call her a taxi. I noted she did not wash her shitty paws, but at least we did not need to shake hands on parting.
I never saw her again, thank Christ. But I reflect on the fact that the best blow-job of my life was delivered by the ugliest and most repellent old bag in all of holy Mother Ireland.
Dublin 17.03.1988
(but remembered as though yesterday)
Author notes
Written March 31st, 2006
- Barry Hodges Travellers Tales group list • next in list
- Beautiful Bisexual Women group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Edna's TOILET Poetry Contest by Edna Sweetlove.
400 points, ended April 2, 2006, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Beautiful Woman in the World: Quckie Contest by Cinnarry.
600 points, ended March 10, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT ANYTHING! by Umi Juvariel.
4300 points, ended April 9, 369 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - And the Last Shall Be First by ea.
3500 points, ended June 18, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 72 of 72
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Sounds very familiar
Good Evening Mr Humpalot,
First of all, since we have "never met before", allow me to give you the pleasure not only of my identity, but of my supreme introduction which follows this sentence. My name is Adamastor.
I would like to formally congratulate you on finally receiving sexual stimulation via felatio. Although I do not condone the act of females putting men's penises inside holes that they do not belong (nor men for that matter), I can understand that with the hype of what people call a "blow-job" cause people to recieve one so that they can keep up with their friends. Myself, I would feel guilty if I was put in the situation where I was about to ejaculate my seed inside the digestive system of a female. In this day and age, there are far too many women (many of them young too) who are feeling pressurized into become what is known as "sexy". I would like to point out that I find nothing sexy about salty liquids being produced near the face I have to look at or the lips I will eventually kiss.
Thirdly, is the upcoming score I wish to give this poem. The content, although perverse and direct, the imagination behind it is quite remarkable. Although not a great piece like the ramblings of Benson and Hodges, I would like to score this poem an applause of 2. However, due to the fact that I am new to this site (I only joined 3 days ago and don't have enough points yet), I can only give you a score of one clap. Rest assured, that although the score underneath my generous comment is an ungenerous score of one, I am in fact giving you a score of two. Please take the comment as the actual value of this poem.
Best regards and I hope you do well in future relationships.
Adamastor
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lol, oh wow
... What an experience...I don't think anyone would be able to forget something like that...
Congrats on the trophy, you deserved it...
Haven't laughed this much in a while...
Keep penning, you're brilliant
illusion
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OooOoOOOO, very nice. Sensual and erotic!
I love how you formed a story around it (:
Keep writing!
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Well she was uhh really liking you I see. lol. Looks like your wondering what she looked like naked was about to come true.. but Im stuck on the nursing bra part coz Im in the first impressions, lol. So far good write. Love the name btw. Can't wait to finish reading this.
edit: omg yuck, had me going for awhile lol, but I had a feeling something was going to go wrong when you said you would laugh seeing her naked.
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A truly lovely piece of writing. However, since this has already won gold from Edna, my soulmate and co-conspirator, I can hardly dish out again can I? But still applause where applause is due.
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Putrid, absolutly disgusting,
Brilliant.
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Amazing, I really am blown away. What a disgustingly brilliant piece, totally amusing and utterly obscene. Again, it is amazing.
-Jaded..
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I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing like a mad idiot. This was indeed one of my favorite pieces chiefly for humor. You are definitely a finalist. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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A staggering piece of writing. I am staggered.
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I must say you held my attention. It's rather oddto have semi-arousal completely destroyed by disgust. It's like a grisly car accident. You don't want to watch, but you do anyways. You have skill.
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A Monstrosity
LOL! What a tale for the books.
I believe we all have outrageous
stories like yours that we vow to
keep secret to out grave.
Thanks for sharing this one with us.
Although it was quite revolting
it was also extremely comical.
Life is a three ring circus
I always say. Great writing.
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This contest has specific rules...and while I am an open minded person and I believe totally in ones right to express their art...I sadly must say that this poem does not fit this contest. It is never my intention to offend another writer, and I apologize in advance if I do offend you in any way.
Thank you for considering this contest and I do wish you wonderful adventures in writing!
Az -
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I am not offended. Merely amused. That's why I removed my gem from your contest.
Ta.
Bertie.
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you capture crap craftily
Hey mate, I have enjoyed reading ure stuff ova the last 20 minutes. You have developed the art of english vulgarness to a big cancerous ridden testicle, its very enjoyable to read. I look forward to reading more of ure shit in the future...
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How funny!
I wanted to stop mid way, but couldn't.. one of the funniest writes I have seen in a while.
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unbelievably well-written. the humorous tone, the richness of description, made the entire disgusting incident incredibly vivid and humorous.
kudos!
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Oh, no... erotica. I do not read it.
Sigh... The rules say not to bring erotica to this contest, so I did not read one word of your poem. Sad that you went to all this work, or at least I assume your poem took some time.
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What a stupid thing to say. You must be totally thick as a brick wall.
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Barty went poo-poos when he read this. Onto Barty's fave list you go. Maybe arrange for free bonk with his sister for this one.
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OH MY this is Funny
I have to concur with my cosponser with this entry in our contest, but if this was an entry in a humor contest it would win hands down. Very funny and quite stenchy, I hope I never run into her. Thanks for entering and good luck
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Interesting
A very intersting write. Unfortunately not what I was looking for in this contest. This certainly did not make me wet with sexual desire..However, it nearly made me wet my pants from laughter. Great sense of humor..I don't see that often...
Sunshine -
wow! not what I expected but something to behold none the less! Lol...you are a trip in every way. wow! I'm glad I clicked on this one. peace and light always in all ways, Kendal
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This is definately one of the oddest things I've ever read...but it was no doubt entertaining and well written.
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It's an odd feeling to be slighty aroused and overly disgusted. Incredibly funny, and somewhat disturbed. This is one memory I would take pleasure in not recollecting.
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And they say the humor is stifled in the "Fair city"
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Christ Almighty! This is just about the filthiest thing I've ever read in my born days! Incredible! Obscene! Blimey.
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Charming, just charming
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I am so happy to have been of service. Until we meet again and thanks for the lovely prize.
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Definite work of genius. Sound like you met one of my relatives who are all filthy slags, sucking anything they can get their lips around. Ugh.
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this is browny points for toilet humour. I loved it. great story and very well told. good luck in the contest
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yeah well each to their own i guess.... i find it difficult to read writing that needs to shock with obscenity it has been done to death hey... like norman mailer.... patrick susskind and henry miller.... hunter s thompson and charles bukowski.... i feel that you could have made your point a little more eloquently because the sense of irony is best when it is subtle...
although i agree with c.bukowski when he says that writing should not be approached with too much reverence... but i guess that i think people could be approached with a little more reverence... or language maybe... -
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Patrick Susskind is obscene?
Anyone who thinks Patrick Susskind is obscene really needs to go and have their heads examined for infestation with deathwatch beetle. Henry Miller was a bit dirty I admit. He was also a shit author.
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Oh god, I think I've jsut wet myself laughing at this. Well done, loved it.
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This was such a gross story and yet I couldn't stop laughing!! It was told in such a way that it felt like I was watching a movie. A wonderful job with this and I think you should win. LOL
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"Oh sweet Jasus," she exclaimed, "but I do think I have crapped meself again, and all." And her hand dipped down into her panties only to emerge with severely stained and odourous fingers, dripping prolific and pungent anal oozings.
Strong images. Mostly gross but perhaps what one would call art is anothers stool specimen.
Arthur
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The picture is of someone called Arthur???????? Kinky with a Kapital K!
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And on St. Patty's day as well... I am off to visit Ireland and plan to stop in Dublin in my travels. I won't be able to sit in a pub without thinking of this! Congrats on the great blow job but next time maybe something with a little more class! She sounds like a real winner
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Not a bad write but I did not think by the title what was instore. i am not a fan f this style of writing but I clicked so I read and I commented.
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YEp its incredible go for the gold
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Very earthy and refined!
I loved it! I can't get the image of a "handful of raspberry jam" out of my head! Gross, but great! -
I howled with laughter at this.
>The bestial expression on her lined face when she climaxed was >the most loathsome sight of my entire life to date. I could >barely believe it when she let out the most enormous wet fart >I had ever heard in my entire existence. The stench was >indescribable and I feared for my fucking sanity.
FFS! What a truly and incredibly funny story!!!!!
The imagery is extremely hysterical. I wish I had been a fly on the wall.
This would make an absolutely brilliant comedy sketch for the tv. Have you got any more unfortunate stories like this?
I can't stop laughing, what a fabulous read.
Thanks for the entertainment. :-)
Blank.
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When I was a sinner, I went with many a fat woman in order to punish myself with their physical horror. So I can relate to this. But now that I am born again, I know you will perish in Hell-flames. Unless you grovel on your knees.
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Well it sounds like you had an interesting experience. When I saw the title, I had something completely different in mind. I guess it just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.
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As an ever so slightly "fat old hag" myself I found this very amusing. I loved the "ample mottled mammaries" piece. The mind boggles at the thought. Well done!
ANN -
Good luck with this... LOLOLOL It should fit in nicely.
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I shall take that as a compliment.
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Dig it
I can honestly say that in my 13 years of reading and writing, I've never read anything like this.
Very well done
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My God forgive you, for I know I shan't. You will go to Hell for this, as sure as eggs are eggs.
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God bless you, dear Bennetts Wallaby.
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I thought I had already commented on this, beautifully disgusting, I like it a lot.
reminds me of my mother. -
brillant
Oh for f**k sake I loved this even though it was completely minging it was hilarious !!!
Well done this is brillant xx -
This was very disguisting indeed, but it did make me laugh and I can really appreciate the Irish humor. I grew up with it. It was very hilarious. Good Luck in the contest.
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This is definitely disgusting and totally hilarious. Well done!
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hahaha, this made me laugh out loud. Really well written and sustained throughout. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up. All the best
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wicked
wow. disgusting yet intriguing. It was like a car crash, a very graceful craash, kept me staring while driving by. Awesome -
"You could have tied a reef knot in them". Jings, crivvens, help ma boab! Eh'm lauchin' like a bust rhone in a rainstorm!
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This is most definitely SUBLIME toilet humour!! Well written and odoriferously descriptive. (lol)
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Excellent Writing
wow,what a story,really well written and i just kept wondering what was going to happen next.Thanks for sharing this with us and oh,i'll be looking out for her or more so trying to avoid her the next time i'm over there whether it's up Grafton Street or round about Temple Bar.Excellent. -
EEEEEEEWWWWWW!
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Definitely disguisting
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Oh... mygod. HAHAHAHA. This is dreadfully hilarious. Definitely disguisting, yet tangible in the manner of speech. In short, awesome! I read this and couldn't help but laugh my ass off, so kudos to that thought! This poem reminds me of Euro-trip so badly .. and makes me wonder what kind of psychotic trip this woman was in to shit her pants casually during foreplay and not pray for a mass genocide of the cells in her body. Well, just something to think about!
Great write, so applauded! =)
.so.insatiable. -
Yes, this is certainly one that Edna would just love to pieces! How disgusting - a great write though. Fit right into this contest for sure. Only in Dublin, I think. Cute title. Not sure what to expect from this - you sure wrote up a storm - a stinky one at that. LOL
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Gee how repungent this was really disgusting and should be right up Edna's alley though i know of no one who would like to go up Edna's alley
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yay
That was long. I fell asleep, but when I awoke, I was as happy as a one-eyed frog in a three-legged race on a hot summer's day. It hit me like a ton of bricks. -
sexy & sizzling
Wow, what a story, you have just made me a fan! I be looking in on you from time to time. You are a very vivid writer, so keep them coming!.....ennovy -
Disgusting and wonderful, laughed my ass off. This story is so vivid I felt like I was there and believe me I did not want to be there. Excellent job, so well written, keep your pen forever flowing, but stay away from those old bags, lol!
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i gotta keep from having an orgasm, there are children at this libray right now, but what a hoot of a story. nicely written.
by the way what the hell is an (hold on i gotta scroll up)aubergine? -
Exquisite
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pmsl, a very worthy winner, great job. sj
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brilliant! made me laugh so hard I had to stop masturbating, but thats ok, my mum was on hand. disgusting. loved it!
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This is tremendously unpleasant. My congratulations - you know you must be among the prizes for this one. Only a couple of days to go..............................
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pass the guiness please. this made me laugh out a load keep writeing
love the papa
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