three young deer
in new home's back yard -
cars screeching
Author notes
I am watching three beautiful white tail deer from my office window. A "huge" new house is being built across the road from me and there is a yard that's newly leveled. unforturnately the road between my house and the new house is busy and the cars drive too fast. I pray the deer stay away from the road. They are so beautiful!
Written March 30th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop #3 by Busho.
300 points, ended April 28, 2006, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very nice job on this.
Oh I agree too, there is a little Corgi that I am feeding to try to get her confidence because she seems to be such a dear little dog. I think she has outsmarted people in cars but still worry over her. I am dog sitting my pastor's dog and the house. But having fun. I love deer too. -
justified concern
Technology then would be the culprit -- at least not hunters killing for sport. -
three young deer
in new home's back yard -
cars screeching
thanks for revising your poem. it is better, so congrats on that.
where are all youir drafts? we need them here so we can see how your haiku is progressing.
please put your original at the top & label all your revisions.
thank you very miuch,
myron. -
I changed it one last time......how are ya doing? - jo
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Excellent Imagery
This is wonderful, as usual your haikus are full of excellent imagery. I love nature and all of God's little creatures; you paint it so well with so incredibly few words!
Once, when I still lived on remote Vashon Island, I was heading home one night; coming upon an L twist in the road doing the speed limit. A good distance before the turn, in my mind I suddenly saw 5 deer. Of course, there was nothing in front of my headlights. Nevertheless, I slowed tremendously then took the L turn at a crawl. Had I not,I would have hit 5 deer crossing the road, three of them gorgeous little fawns, the other two obviously mom and dad.
God knows I'd be a basketcase if I ever hit an animal, any animal; so, He's always watched out for me and them!
Lots of love and hugs, SisB♥n
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My husband and I were at the pharmacy on the Air Force Base the other day. There are many deer all through the woods, and they are so tame that they fear not even the traffic. As we came up to the stop sign to turn, five deer crossed right in front of our car as if someone were holding up a sign for them to cross. It was such a lovely and exciting sight for us both.
I can imagine how wonderful it is for you to have the deer in your own yard. They must feel very safe with you. A lovely haiku. Hugs, Patricia -
No - I don't need near....... thanks so much once again - jo
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*three young deer
in new home's back yard -
cars speed near
well done - i think that any mention of cars in line three - be they speeding or not will evoke an atmosphere of danger.
i agree with you that this line is not quite there yet - though it's very, very close. one question for you to ponder is - do you really need 'near'?
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I'm still not happy with l3. I want to get the sense of lurking danger and speeding cars. I'll keep at it! thanks so much....haiku rocks! - joanne
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striking
three young deer
in new home's back yard -
shun the road
good to see this haiku entered into our contest. i like the fact that you have chosen the modern 3-5-3 format rather than the out-moded & far too bulky 5.7.5 formula we were taught in primary school.
i love the clear & clean sense images you provide in the first two lines, & the kireji at the end of L2. i love the fact that the deer are around a new house - that brings all kinds of reflections & thoughts to my mind, so i commend you for these memorable images.
however i do have some concerns with your third line, which is not quite a sense image, but rather more of a statement. what do you think?
i look forward to hearing from you & seeing any possible revisions/variations.
going by your poet's comments - you have an excellent haiku waiting for us here.
yours in haiku,
myron.
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What a blessing to see such a vision. A family of deer, glorifying the Lord outside your window. That is what your words have painted for this reader. Best wishes in the contest.
Sam
Edited on Mar 30, 5:52 p.m. because 'missing c in such'.
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