ripples in the pond -
a dragonfly
lands on the moon
Draft:
ripples in the pond -
a dragonfly
lands on the moon.
Draft:
a dragonfly
on the moon -
waves in the pool
Draft:
A dragonfly
on the moon -
waves in the pool.
Original:
a dragonfly lands on the moon -
and makes waves in the pool
Author notes
Written March 30th, 2006
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop #3 by Busho.
300 points, ended April 28, 2006, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Thank you. I hopey you are having a good day.
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We keep revising and each time we can see something different, however minute, to the previous write. Interesting to see thins process, as I have been through it just now myself. Liked your write.
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D'oh, almost had it. Will fix.
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ripples in the pond -
a dragonfly
lands on the moon.
thanks for revising this poem so well. a haiku is not a sentence so it doesn't need a full stop at the end. please revise this haikju accordingly.
your work is almost complete...
thanks,
myron. -
It's a workshop so we're required to write drafts. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, they do to me too.
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this is really cute stonelion, why are there so many drafts and what not?? i love dragonflies!! they represent freedom
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Oh? Was I? My bad. I didn't realize that. Sorry, no wonder you were confused.
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ripples in the pond -
a dragonfly
lands on the moon.
ok lol thanks for the heads up
u were supposed to place any revision under the original lol but that don't matter
good work
col -
Col, you're reading the wrong version. The most recent version is on the top.
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hi stone
a dragonfly lands on the moon -
and makes waves in the pool
your ku has two verbs
waves in the pool--
a dragonfly
lands on the moon
it is up to you but this way there is a greater aha moment
this version also only has one verb "lands"
col -
I will work to make it better.
I'm a little confused as to how it can be read as a sentence though when it has no verbs.
I do see how ripples would be better than waves. I'm a little confused as to why reordering the piece would make it stronger. Isn't discovering the dragonfly is in the pool my AHA! moment? I'm not fighting you or anything, just trying to figure this out. For example:
a leaf flys
back to its branch.
it was a butterfly
(don't remember who the author, but it wasn't me)
Isn't the AHA! moment the final line of discovering the leaf is a butterfly and wouldn't the poem be entirely changed or even ruined by movement of the final line? Just trying to figure this out.
Another question (yes, I'm full of them) is that your revision adds a verb. Isn't it important to have as few verbs as possible in your haiku? One being acceptable, zero being better. Thanks, Colin. I hope all my questions aren't annoying.
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a dragonfly lands on the moon -
and makes waves in the pool
hi stone
myron gave you some good advice, while you have some excellent imagery this still read as a sentence
this can easily be rectified by some slight alteration
also do you think waves in the pool makes for an effective haiku if you re-order you will achieve a stronger ku
waves in the pool--
a dragonfly
lands on the moon
pond ripples may make for a more effective setting in L1
colin -
Thank you.
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Very nice write, well done and beautifully penned
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Thanks, Rowan. I love them too. They have such a strange beauty about them.
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Thanks, Myron. Yeah, I was so busy trying to fix one mistake that I forgot basic rules. D'oh! Oh well, at least they're easily fixed. Thanks for the good way to test the poem. I'll remember that for the future.
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Thanks, Jo. I love these contests. I always learn so much from the contestants and the contests.
Yeah, one hydrated dragonfly for sure. lol.
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I love dragonflys, Stonelion.
This is a beautiful haiku!
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A dragonfly
on the moon -
waves in the pool.
a wonderful revision! well done. haiku do not start with a capital letter & end with a full stop, so you could look after that in your next revision. i think you have improved this haiku greatly, altho it will be interesting to see what others have to say.
i agree with you that your original poem did have a slight pause, but i'm not sure it was quite a break in the syntax. if it was written as a sentence it wouldn't have any punctuation in it & that's always a good way to test your kireji:
a dragonfly lands on the moon and makes waves in the pool.
all the very best with your future haiku,
myron.
Edited on Mar 31, 6:00 p.m. because ''. -
I love the image of this Stone...It's not a parched dragonfly either, this one's making waves in the pool!
I love being a fellow contestant with you in this haiku contests!
Jo -
Thank you, Turtle.
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Actually, I DO hear a pause when I say it aloud and when I read it in my head thus I wrote it as I hear it. I wasn't trying to disguise anything. However, I will adjust it.
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i like it it makes me think lol your really good at gettin me to think even if its 1am
-Turtle -
thank you.
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a dragonfly lands on the moon -
and makes waves in the pool
thanks for entering this couplet. i see what you are saying, althon i think you hjave contravened sosme rules of the contest.
even though you have punctuation at the end of L2 - it doesn't really disguise the fact that there is no natural pause here as your next word is 'and'. please refer to rule #4 about the kireji - this seems to be one of the hardest rules for contestants to follow, so it's one worth mastering.
i think you can omit two words to get your kereji in & reformat this into three lines.
i look forward to any possible revisions,
myron. -
I like it.
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