Hey you sitting up on your thrown
looking down on me despising me
because when you look into my eyes
you see yourself and all your lies
I'm the worst of you that you so despise
You watch me fall easily
laugh when I cant get up
Watch me struggle through life constantly.
All the mistakes my life contains
pull me down and drown me
surrounds me and suffocates.
When they start to go away
you give more poison and pills
to spill into my black heart
and make me ill.
I wish I was the one
who didn't have a care
who lived life to the fullest
with their family there
But I’m not
I’m all alone
with only my shadow
as a companion
Because of you,
my own mother
I don't even have my brother.
Author notes
Written March 26th, 2006
A contest entry
- Hard Challenge ~ Lyrical Twist by petty foibles.
300 points, ended April 7, 2006, 3 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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HellO! I really enjoyed this. It had a really deep sad feeling to it, it was very original and lovely. I thought it was humorous how you said Hey you at the begining because i just saw the movie where the teenager tries to pass off the Pink Floyd song Hey You as his own, claiming he "could have written it" ok im rambleing, just a funny movie you should watch it its called "the squid and the whale" I really enjoyed your poem! Thanks for the great write! Good work!
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I like the heavy tone in this poem. It seems that the mother of the persona is very sadistic.
Just a few comments, though: First of all, I do not know if you intended it, but I think 'thrown' should be 'throne.' Secondly, maybe you could think of another word other than 'despise' for any of the two in the first strophe. Personally, using a word twice in a strophe kind of breaks the strength of that strophe. My impression of it is that there is a loss of words. However, the disclaimer is that what I just wrote down is only a suggestion, so you could just not care about it.
Other than that, I would say this work is okay. I like it.
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HA!hahahahahahah! OH Shizz!!
Yeah it'll make me feel better, that is up until i wake up in the hospital (that's if i wake up at all!) But yeah, i don't live w/ her ne way so that wouldn't work. And i'm sorry bout your parents though to tell you the truth i would have loved if my mom physically left me earlier in my life cuz she never did give a sh** about me or my siblings. Thanks for the comment!
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wow this poem is really angry, and you seem to dislike your mother a lot, you may think shes a biioooooaaaatch, and to be fair she may well be, but both my parents are dead i wish i had the opportunity to even talk to my parents, you still have that opportunity dont waste it, look your mother in her eyes and tell her shes been a total biiiooooaaaaaaaattttch, it may not make things better between you, but your chip will be off your shoulder, lets face it things couldnt make your relationship any worse!
Go on do it tell your mom shes a Biiiiioaaaaaaaaatch!
Edited on Mar 28, 4:11 because ''. -
Excellent
I had the same problem with "missing" lyrics when I posted my entry so it might not be your computer. You wove your choice of lyrics into your poem in a very skillful and effective manner. It is full of the kind of dark emotions that we all have from time to time. Great job. Good luck in the contest. -
I'm sorry but my computor is retarded and i put the lyrics up but for some stupid reason they didn't show up on the page. so yeah here they are ne way
--The vary worst part of you is me ~ Linkin Park "Lying From You"
--Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem ~Staind "Falling"
--All the mistakes one life contained they all finally start to go away ~Staind "So Far Away"
--Gimme all your poison and gimme all your pills. Gimme all your hopeless hearts that make me ill ~My Chemical Romance "Thank You For The Venom"
--I wish i could be the one, the one who wont care at all ~A7X "Unholy Confessions"
Um i chose these lyrics cause in some way they all show the way i felt in the 7th and 8th grade: confused, sad/depresed, angry, hateful, ect. But yeah sorry about that -
Woah.... so I'm just coming to a conclusion that you really don't like your mom. Vicki seems kinda nice in a mean I'm gonna gut you like a fish kinda way. Your dad is really cool. Was he tring to scare me when he said "I think it's time to start cleaning"? Whatever! I had fun on Friday! I had missed seeing you! Well call me sometime. By the way good poem.
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Hmm... I can't see which lyrics you used to write your poem about, but I like the atmosphere you created with it... It's very deep and sad, yet you managed to reflect that onto the reader
Not sure about the rhyme you used here and there, and then not and then again... -
ok its time folks for you to cast your peoples choice award votes. please send me an im of your favorite one from this contest, or you may choose to tell me that you wish to forfit your vote. either way i need your im asap thank you. and good luck.
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this is a deep and sad poem, that i think is about child abouse. i do not see the lyrics you used in your poem in the authors box, so i dont know if this poem has followed the requirements of the contest. secondly you needed to tell me why it is you chose the lyrics you did in your authors comments that is 1/2 of my judging on this poem. as a poem its very good as the contest goes i dont know. secondly i see by the poppies you are dropping that you read how to get extra points so you should have also read the rules and the contest requirements as well. apparently because of the missing authors comments you didnt, which is a disapointment to me.
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