He was dying but wouldn't let it beat him he kept on fighting
He went to all his sons baseball games
He was very sick and was hurting but he still tried to work
Instead of lying in bed and sleeping he Worked on his mustang
He never gave up he kept on doing things he loved
He would throw batting practice for our team sometimes
He was a great man who lived like he was dying
We should all learn a lesson from it
The day he died lots of people came to say good bye
Everybody had positive memories of him
If I ever find out I am dying from something
Lord please let me be as strong about it as him
RIP We will miss you!!! See you in heaven!!
Author notes
Thi poem is dedicated to my best friend and his dad who died recently of cancer the song live like you where dying that im doing it on was played at his funerl
Written March 25th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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very good.. great memorable poem
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this is very sad to me. i hope your friend is doing ok since this has happened. i know the death of a loved one can make some flip out. you have written this well in my opinion. viyanna r langager
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Aww, thats sad it reminded me of my fathers death...but he was in the hospital whren he died he couldnt move...and didnt kon who anyone was. i hate the thought of thinking that. but it's still a good poem, song thing.
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Thanks for the advice
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This was a very heartfelt and meaningful poem you wrote here. Nothing rhymed, but who cares, this full of emotion and honesty. It is hard for us guys to let out how we feel, and you let it out, not all mushy, but just straight forward and honest.
I don't find this sad at all- I find it more hopeful. Yes, it is very sad his father passed away, but the lesson he taught everyone is very good- live like you were dying.
Good job.
Now here is your scores.
Creativity 6
Originality 9
Emotion 8
Showmanship 9
Mechanics 7
Total 39
Average 7.8
Needed improvement on:
Creativity= This wasn't creative much. If I were you I would have played around with the words- not forcing them in- but putting in more vocabulary, it makes it seem more proffessional and it seems like a poem with emotion in it. Also, the poem didn't ehyme= not much creativity there. Also, this freeverse, wasn't any metaphors.
Emotion: You passionately wrote this, but I didn't feel the way you felt. Like I said, it hard for us guys to let out our emotion, but when we enter contests, in order to win we have to SPILL it all out and cover the poem, saturate it, and juice it up with emotion- I think your poem lacked that a little. But because as we all know, it just takes common sense and a good heart to realize it is very hard losing people in our lives- best friend, father, brother, or complete stranger.
Mechanics: No syllable flow, but I don't think you intended the poem to have equal syllables, so that doesn't matter much. There were random capitolizations in places that were unneccessary, also there were places that needed commas, dashes, or an "and" to seperate them. For the capitolization there is a "Worked" that should be lowercase with the W. About the commas, dashes, or "and" to seperate, you wrote "He was dying but wouldn't let it beat him he kept on fighting" you should inserted a comma in between dying and but. (lol sounds funny) anyway, then there should be a comma, a dash, or an "and" placed in between him and he. If you change that first line, then you could result with three things...
1. "He was dying, but wouldn't let it beat him, he kept on fighting"
2. "He was dying, but wouldn't let it beat him and he kept on fighting"
3. "He was dying, but wouldn't let it beat him- he kept on fighting"
What you do is completely up to you.
There is always time for improvement. When the contest closes I will re-score every contestant's entry, so there is time to add little things here and there to make your poem better.
Most important: Try to rhyme this through, build the vocabulary, or put in a metaphor, or add things- I know there has to be more to this than you really feel.
-Tyler
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good job stephen.. keep it up
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Beautiful and touching write! Thank you so much for sharing this with me. The song which sparked your thoughts is an inspiring one indeed...Good luck in the contest!.....Lynda
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thank you missy
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good job stephen. thats really sad. but at least he lived his life to his fullest. good write.
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hey! i do rli like this! it's very sad, yet very hopeful. it has an air of freedom to it and thats very calming because all we want for the bygone is freedom, right? there are some grammar mistakes in here tho:
He went to his all his son baseball games
He went to all of his son's baseball games
i particularly enjoyed the last stanza, it was a good finish-up. good job and keep on writing!
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