sitting on an ice covered log
thingking to myself
why is it i sit alone
in the freezing cold
sourrounded by an arctic winter
emaciated by this frost bitten pain
as icey tears creep down my face.
the numbing winds blow
the trees encompassed in ice & snow
still i sit alone
on this ice covered log
hopelessly cataonic
as i am taken aback
by this frigid winter
that is my life
Author notes
be honest please
Written March 24th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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thank you all for you advice it was much needed....i think i might be a bit better now but i am still considering making more changes or possibly making it longer
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You have written something that's quite short here, yet you managed to express so much within the lines of this poem
I really like the way you did so with such a vivid images!
I hope things will get better for you soon! thank you for sharing this with us
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thanx everyone for the comments and personally i believe i did repeat a bit much and i also have to say that this poem was not one of my best but since i am just starting i'd also like to say i have over 100 written and you have yet to see what i can do. I'd also thought i'd add that most the time i put myself in other peoples places and write from a different perspective other than my own.
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For so few words, you have expressed a lot here. These emotions are very relatable, and I'm sure most have shared similar experiences at some point in life.
Since you asked for a critical review, I'll point out that I think there was too much repetition - with words such as freezing, cold etc. It emphasizes your points and theme, but there are other words you could have used to create a more vivid imagery without repeating those.
Thanks for sharing with us, and welcome to Allpoetry! I hope you enjoy all the site has to offer.
Best wishes to you,
Stacy
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I really liked this poem.. it explains alot about life and being alone... I liked your repetition of cold.. and making it expressive... but not over doing it... great poem.. keep up the good work... id like to see more poems from you.. good job...
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This sounds like me as a teenager. That was my life, also. TRUST ME, it is totally different after highschool. SO much easier. YOu realize that what life is really about is nothing like what everyone in highschool thought it was. And they realize it, too. They realize that the word COOL has a different meaning. But it's people like you who will go on to actually BE cool in real life and really make something of themselves. NERDS RULE!!!!!
As for a critique on your poem, I agree with Blue128. You could elaborate and go into some more detail and imagery. This is the perfect kind of poem to do that to because it is very soulful and emotional. But I really liked your format and style, and almost everything about it. YOu ought to replace the word "cold" with a different word or metaphor in a few places and go from there..
Another idea to consider: What does the "cold of winter" do to you? How does the "cold of pain" make you feel? I think readers, including me, would like to know more about this.. -
I really enjoyed this. I can really feel your pain, as if you are crying out, yearning to make your frosty breaths heard. I really liked the last three lines of the first stanza, the repetition of the cold. This poem spoke to me, maybe because I'm a little cold myself, literally. I need to put on some socks.
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I think you have a great start however i think you repeated yourself to many times,with the word cold. You have a good poem started but maybe you could go into detial into feeling,emotion and description of whats going on around you. Nice write.Keep it up! Check out some of my writes?
-karen
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