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Long Distance Dating The Girl Next Door

Drink a little more and more and more
And maybe I'll begin to forget everything
Forget what I'm worried about and forget about life
Licking my blood from fresh cuts of cold kitchen knife

Don't need to worry about my parents seeing no more
Because they know I don't take my clothes of because I'd cry
Because I lit myself on fire just to forget once to
Then drinking came, and I don't even know what I do

But I wake up cut from my chest to my ankles
I'd somehow hoped that it would draw the attention from the burns
Then I found a girl whom meant my whole world
But I never get to see her, that often at all

She has money to travel and thats really great
But I keep crying, after you left every single day

And I feel when you come back you'll hate me
For some reason, that every other girl has
And have me to find out there was some other guy
That was your boyfriend to, I hope you know what that feels like

And if I'm not worrying about then its more worries
That the day you expect me to take off my shirt
And you've know about my burns, but your shocked and look away
Like I'm so so filthy and you hardly know me anymore
Like you did anyway




Author notes

i actually don't care
how much grammar mistakes
or spelling mistakes they are
its my poem
not yours.

Written March 24th, 2006

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • Up-In-The-Clouds
    March 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Beauty is this.

    This makes me sad.
    You have a real knack for
    writting power pieces.
    don't stop.
    Even if this is a very old write,
    I hope the pain is all gone now.
    Keep posting, if this was last year then
    you must have improved stacks since then.
    but now i feel i am rambling.
    The imagery is depicted so well.

  • Up-In-The-Clouds
    March 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This makes me sad.
    You have a real knack for
    writting power pieces.
    don't stop.
    Even if this is a very old write,
    I hope the pain is all gone now.
    Keep posting, if this was last year then
    you must have improved stacks since then.
    but now i feel i am rambling.
    The imagery is depicted so well.


  • Tragiklylostpunk
    March 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    good write so sad good work xoxo

  • prisoner
    March 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thats an awesome write..very heartfelt and emotional...love every word.
    -.Britt.


  • -Darkest Desire-
    March 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    aww dear, no critism, other than its beautiful and heartfelt
    love you hunni
    ~Alea

  • davidishere
    March 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    i can see for myself that it needs proofreading
    but you need to get your emotions out
    while the ideas are fresh in your head.

  • davidishere
    March 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    though wrote
    while i hadn't had sleep for the past two days
    and you feel so much anger you want to explode
    thats where I don't honestly care about grammar
    its just an utterly crap piece.
    that i strung together
    for people to know i still exist here


  • March 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Apart from your grammar and punctuation: This is a beautiful piece. Very sad and emotional.....excellently done.
    4 Cheers


  • OutsideTheMirror
    March 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    "But I wake up cut from my chest to my ankles
    I'd somehow hoped that it would draw the attention from the burns"
    Wow- I really, really, really love those lines.
    This poem does need a lot of proofreading, though. You used "your" rather than "you're" more than once. Another example is in "I don't take my clothes of because I'd cry" I think you meant "off" rather than "of."
    I'd get rid of the part about your parents- it doesn't have much to do with the main focus of the poem. If you don't get rid of it, though, I'd definitely get rid of the "no more." It doesn't fit at all with the wonderful flow in the rest of the piece.
    I would also add punctuation- it would really help to clarify and shape the poem more.
    Example of what I think would sound a little better:
    But [I'd] wake up cut from my chest to my ankles-
    Hoping that it would draw the attention from the burns.
    Then I found a girl who meant my whole world,
    But I never get to see her that often at all.

    I know this is a lot of criticism, but I'm only doing it because I think you have a lot of potential. If you do edit this poem, let me know- I;d love to take another look.

    .:Marie:.

1 - 9 of 9