Cold water surrounds me,
Chance for survival is to swim.
Icy temperatures consume my body,
Life hangs upon a whim.
Swimming in a pool of memories,
As I watch life pass me by.
Remembering those who made me happy,
Makes me swell up and cry.
Suddenly I can't catch a good breath,
My limbs are frozen in place.
There's no movement in my body,
Pale is the color of my face.
The cold water is now my home,
That is now where I lay my head.
The sad thing is that no one knows it,
No one knows that I lay there...dead.
Author notes
OPTION 2
This piece was inspired by the song "Cold Water" by Damien Rice
Lyric link below
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Cold-Water-lyrics-Damien-Rice/CAF20C020B35D20548256DA0000ADB06
Written March 18th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- My 1 year Allpoetry Anniversary by Lady Michaella.
660 points, ended July 24, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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This is a really good poem, coming from a really good song. Damien Rice is awesome and it makes me happy that you get inspiration from him. I really like your poem, it flows quite nicely and rhymes wonderfully. Great job, poet!
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I really like the progression exhibited in the poem. Nice write.
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thx!
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i like this a lot. great job with this one. i love your use of rhyme.. great job doing that well... and nice take on prompt.
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awwww thats so good...i like ths omg im here 4 u
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good imagery, good rhyming..
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Shivers
Very good. I take this as not dead literally but dead emotionally. No one knows because that's a death we can fake that didnot happen but yet and still from all the pain of yesterday we are dead emotionally. I hope I got it. That's what I got from it anyhow. Great job!!!
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Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!
I have to wonder if the same person wrote this as the last poem I just reviewed... lol
This is just one outstanding write my dear! I love it!
I really have nothing to suggest to bring this to a higher level.
The rhythm and rhyme is all in good standing.
Your subject matter is quite interesting and kept my attention from beginning to end.
Yep... a brillant write with absolutely nothing that needs suggesting. I love it!
I have seen enough dear... welcome to my favorites list!
Good luck in the contest!
Suzi
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Hmmm Just a suggestion but perhaps for line 2 changing it to
"Chance for survival becomes slim"
A few reasons for this, You use the word *"Swim" once more and the repetitions are very close to each other so it kinda sticks out.
*Also I think it flows better with this amount of syllables.
Just a suggestion please don't feel obligated to change anything you don't think needs to be changed.
It's a good poem
I like the idea of swimming in a pool of memories in the 2nd stanza. =]
Good poem hun, well penned.
G and thanks for entering my contest. -
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Thank you! I made a handful of little changes.
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I begin to swim in a pool of memories,
As I watch life pass me by.
Remembering all the people who made me happy,
Makes me swell up and cry.
I love this part. lovley imagery.
goodluck :]
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wow this was Amazing the last two stanzas were my favorite Great write and thank you so much for entering my contest Good luck
-♥Amy♥
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the revised version is the best version , and a great poem it was eccellently done , great write.
thank you for entering in my contest -
i thought this was an awesome poem. i loved
"Cold water surrounds me,
My only chance of surviving is to swim.
Icy temperatures consume my body,
And my life hangs upon a whim."
it really shows how close you are to the end but you still push on hoping to survive.
i love it, its awesom.
good luck
love daisy
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I must say that I like both versions. I like that in the first one, you managed to make death a part of life, because it wasn't sad. It was just the way that you had decided to end it and it was very well writen.
I also like the second version. You made the person continue to swim and I liked that you had this one ryme all the way through it. It was very well written and I think that you should try and go out/read this one to the world. Look for poetry readings if you don't already. Other than that, I have nothing to say.
good job. -
very well written!!
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WONDERFUL
br. -
Unbelieveable!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is fabulous, I like both versions alot!!!!!!
You have a lot of talent.
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O my, you describe overhere my worst nightmare....
How you did that.... -
i feel chilly after reading this. it was really good. i love the use of water and drowning to express the emotions. it was very beautiful. good job.
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gorgeously sad
wow... i love the emotion that poured from your words...i don't even have to think about it, i just feel it... and as for damien rice.... that album is beyond phenomenal... thank you so much... -
well done
wow is all i can say , eevryone said everything for me.this was the most intriguing poem i have read in some time . thank you so much for sharing such artistic talent.
God Bless.
Victoria -
Wow, it's really good, it has a good rhythm to it. It feels real as if you can see it happening...great job, keep up the great poems!
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Eeek, you have brough one of my great fears to light here, what horror to be in this situation, you wrote it well, great job and good luck with this
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I just love water and I will read anything connected to it-thus your title caught my eye...and I kept reading because I was into the rhythmn and the story... I'm not familiar with the song (I'll check it out though)but somewhere along this piece's ending, I drifted off-perhaps it's the repetition and that last line that doesn't work for me--just a suggestion-some revision would make this more powerful because it has such great potential!!! peace & blessings
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oooooo yay I get to be the first to comment on this woooohoooo and being the first one I would half to say that I like the message it sends out to keep on trying and dont give up, but your rhym sceem got a little off the second stanza, but other then that it was good and I liked it very much....keep up the great work!!!
*reckless*
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