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My Sisters Pain

Don't worry dear sister
Come and cry on my shoulder
I'll protect you from all the evil
Don't worry anymore

This pain is only temporary
the anguish will pass
Tomorrow you'll wake to a new day
And the pain of today is the lost feeling
  of yesterday

My dear sister don't let the pain
  take over your life
Don't let the tears wash you away
Fight through and come out on top
Better yourself for the next today

Look ahead and see the light
Fight through the storm,
   find the rainbow in the sky
Smell the freshly cleansed world,
Feel newly reborn

Author notes

This is for Rachel who is my best firend and is going through a tough time right now. Love ya chica
Written March 16th, 2006

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • incipientinferno
    March 21, 2006
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    I like the poem. The words are good and you were able to show your feelings. When I started writing on this site, one of the most important things I was told is: "white space". I don't know about Dark-Scorpion's comment (I think it was about the words you used) but the placement of the words on the page could use more white space. That is move them around so they aren't in paragraph form. Other than that, you showed a feeling for someone you care for and want to help very well. Keep it up.

    Rusty/fire540


  • Amethyst jean
    March 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is so sweet it sounds like something i want for my little sister it's like you wanna prevent them from going through what you are now. Great write

  • Dark-Scorpion
    March 16, 2006
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    Allright, I'm going to start off critical and go from there. Work on your flow. You have it in some places, you don't in others. Instead of making a definite figure, it kind of ends up as mush. It needs better flow. NOW! For the good parts. Its a very positive, and very uplifting piece that urges the reader onward towards better, and happier things tomorow. It gives a generous fighting chance to those who suffer, and is honestly a very good work. Switch a few words around, and it will be SET. Motivation is sometimes hard to find, and encouragement hard to take. But reading this counts for both. Great job overall, and keep on writing.


  • Cherity Amber
    March 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Its sweeet that this is for your sister. I think flow and imagery could both use a little bit of work, but like I said this is very good because it does have meaning and it is for someone you care about. Nice job, like I said, I think it could use some work, but its good how it is too.
    Keep it up!
    CherityAmber


  • Glenda L Hand
    March 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is a nice supportive piece for your sister. I think a little more imagery would make it very strong. You come close to that in the last stanza.
    This is a good example of what i am talking about:And the pain of today is the lost feeling
    of yesterday



  • MyDarkling
    March 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    ~~
    That's such a sweet poem! I love the emotion, the protectiveness that shines right through! Would you happen to be a fan of old-school gothic music by any chance? There's a famous band in that genre that did a song called "Cry Little Sister" and this really reminded me of it! Lines in the song like "Don't cry little sister, love is with your brother..." etc. I also love the imagery in the last stanza. Keep up the good work, and rock on!

    MyDarkling
    ~    ~

1 - 6 of 6