i've grown
tired of
social
arithmetic -
the illusion
of comfort
wasting
time
while collapse
is imminent
god -
an operator
behind
a curtain
a ghost
in the
dust
In a list
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
-
this is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Very VERY thought provoking!!!
-
god -
an operator
behind
a curtain
We're all just puppets on strings are we not? Whether we play the role well, we're still pulled each way and generally without thought or free-will ever brought to use.
Much like when I read Jame's poetry, I find myself digging deep inside myself and facing things that, somehow, between the two of you, I have to encounter. Very good indeed.
It's very refreshing to find people that aren't ashamed of writing what they know, verses what they think they should know, or the appropriate thing to say at the appropriate time. This, in all it's simplicity spoke volumes. I'm greatful to have stumbled across it.
Much love,
Jessica -
I really like the ending assonance you put in the stanzas [arithmetic/imminent, curtain/comfort] ; whether purposeful or not, I think it gives the poem an almost subliminal fluidity.
The format and evolution you utilized is great too. You open up with the theme, and explain why exactly you feel the way you do. That kind of structure always asserts a great sense of order and purpose into the poem.
"a ghost in the dust" that's an extremely powerful phrase and I think it summarizes the poem perfectly. Though, I think it captures a tone and message all its own. As if it could become an opening for a sequel-type piece.
The work is short, yet you manage to make it feel textured and full; it seems to me that you also managed to take two topics and mesh them together, without either feeling neglected.
Such a fabulous poem.
-
-
I didn't actually notice that pattern of arithmetic/imminent, curtain/comfort, but now that you have pointed that out it's crazy to see the things you do without knowing it. Once again, thanks for such a wonderful comment.
- Kenneth
-
-
sparse. minimalist. melike. i especially like the idea of social arithmetic. which i am also fast growing tired of. such scheming. such duplicity. such deceit. i like the layout because each line necessitates a certain drawn out reading.
-
-
I love writing in a minimalist way. It really makes me feel proud of myself when I can communicate an idea without having to go beyond what I wanted to say.
Thanks so much for the comment.
-
-
god an operator behind a curtain great its like the wizard of oz loved a ghost in the dust.....yeah that god he needs tellin....love the short sharp little words fitted in so well with the theme
-
-
Thanks for the comment dear. I too like the sharpness of the little words in this piece. Sums up a whole lot of meaning in a tiny amount of space.
-
-
Wow. This is short, but very powerful. I enjoyed reading it, thank you for taking the time to enter, good luck.
-
a very penetrative write... clipped and precise, but yet ambiguous at the same time.
the idea of being 'tired of social arithmetic' is interesting, I'm curious as to what you actually mean by it... references to adding up the social niceties we that exchange daily? or is it something to do with the cost of today's social climate?
'the illusion of comfort' is very nice- the kind of statement I respond very well to at any rate. the lies we tell each other and ourselves etc. when strung together with your first stanza, it begins to make sense...
lol liked to reference to 'the wizard of oz' purely because of the psychological references throughout the story- especially when you know the paradoxes behind the stories of the characters- the tin man (nick chopper) and such.
'a ghost in the dust' is a stunning closer... brings to mind the uselessness of pretending to believe, or indeed believing in something which is so far away and disjointed from the vividness of the truths we really do experiences.
suggests there is no point in belief, because if god really does exist, then he's doing a pretty damned awful job of it.
~ C ~ -
It's funny- most of the time when I look at poetry on here- the first thing that comes to mind is, "Cut!! Condense!!!" With this, I think the exact opposite.
I like the poem, but it reads like an outline for something greater. I think because of the subject, this would have more impact if it was built upon. The first four lines set up the tone for the piece and I was a little disappointed to not see a math theme through out the rest of the piece.
If you decide to revise and add more- I think you should build on the first four lines. You've got some other great stuff, I like the image of god behind a curtain. But perhaps it would work better in another piece.
My two cents. -
is comfort an illusion?... that surprises me I've always thought of it as concrete and oh so heavy, like luxury nothing but a chain
I like the ghost in the dust - an image with power and that goes well phonetically with waste if you keep that at "waste of time"
god as an operator (ro wizard) doesn't fit for me he is either a ghost or a wizard. a ghost is illusion (intangible), a wizard is a person (tangible) who borrows illusion
the image of God here for me is more that of a genie a ghost in a desert -the idea of lack of fertility or willingness.
If I was going to edit this poem I'd strip it to poverty, to the bones as they say, something like this:
i've
tired of
social
arithmetic -
the illusion
of comfort
waste
of time
while collapse
imminent
God -
a ghost
in the
dust
The title is also intriguing
-
Well, I decided to take you up on your offer, but you don't make it very easy to critique. You don't use any superficial words and tend to keep your images tight and concise.
Though I do think the second stanza could be reworded to remove the 'of'...
the comfort
illusion;
but beyond that, you don't leave me much room to nitpick!
It did make me wonder what colour the curtain was that the Wizard hid behind (as that stanza did remind me of the Wizard of Oz) and that scares me, for it use to be my favourite movie.
As for the whole 'god issue'... think of what life would be like if we didn't sit around and wonder about this fictional character that demands from us. So many wasted moments praying and witnessing just to get into a illusion, when that time could of been spent actually living. Human beings are an odd little species. We have to create reason where there is none...
I like this.
-
A short and concise poem, yet very powerful - something all of us in the rat race can identify with. Evolution, technology, etc....didn't make this world a better place; it just cluttered our lives. I do believe that the human being has a need for spirituality, the influence of a higher being...to me it is God; to someone else it is Buddah, etc. The neglect of that might be the cause of fatigue and disillusion... A very good read that left me thinking...
~ Nicolette
-
I love this poem, and am i right in thinking the operater behind the curtain is a reference to the wizard of oz?! I think the images it conjures up are great, thank you for letting us read it! Mim x
-
I don't think you can really "read too much" into this piece, as it is an overall expression of a lot of feelings I have been having towards humanity over the recent years.
Five very true words:
"Evolution hasn't made us better."
Not to mention, the only real spiritual creations I see are art and poetry, film and photographs, detailed reflections of our own realities. To me, god is a distant mountain, something man-made, that is only to be used as a comfort in loneliness and despair.
Or as the saying goes "a ghost in the dust"
- Kenneth -
Dire straits in a dark Oz. This is quite dark but speaks with a artist's voice. I see a Jim Morrisonesque figure, fed up with social mores and keeping up appearemces for others when all is crumbling.Screw 'em if they can't take a joke. God? pffft, what god is this to fumble his/her strings to such a sad and palzied dance.
I probably read too much in, but this is a well written piece to have taken me on such a trip in so few lines, with the lines between prominent. Good Read!
Peace, Rob
Edited on Mar 24, 3:33 p.m. because ''. -
Thanks
Is this the Bioscope of cinema or the Mad for it curtains of some parting, does not matter; for this is great, short and fresh, thanks for poating the chance too read. -
NICE!
its stillas good as it was before -
I'm curious now to know what the pic was!
anywho, the first time I read this I didn't feel I understood it. now I read it again and I think after a few more reads I'll be better suited to say I know what it means.
but I like it just the same. now please send me the pic or direct me to it or something?!
Lea -
Thank you for reading and be sure to check back, as I just edited this a little bit as with a few other poems, so now I feel a little more solid in what I have posted here. -
Thank you for your compliments. It's nice to see that you enjoyed it. -
I removed the picture, just a little while a go, so if you are interested in reading it again, please do. It's been tinkered with a bit and now I like it a bit more. -
It is all of what is said above about it. Dark, scary, spooky, deep, intellectual, needing to be puzzled out.
-
This is amazing, I love the imagery and the feelings.
-
Amazing
I love it if i were someone it would scary me but instead it satisfiese half of the darkness within. Ilove it
Later -
I think it may be that the poem is just deeper than what most people might expect. There is a very apparent meaning, you've just got to pick through the puzzle to find out. -
hey....spooky indeed but still i will applaud you for your attempt.Some lines touch me deeply but somehow i don't fathom the meaning of some lines.The poem is good and catchy but if you provide some comment then it will be more effective.Cheers
~AUGUST~ -
Okay, but that thing is looking at me and now I'm going to have bad dreams about it. And by the way, I could think all night but eventually, you will have to tell me what you meant because I have no idea. I still really think it was cool though.
-
It's layered to be a little under the radar. I don't want you to get what I mean right away. I want you to think about it first. Intellectual poetry....the best kind.
-
This isn't meant to strike fear, it's just meant to put the point across of what I was trying to say. That I will leave up to you as a reader to decide. -
i agree spooky not to sure if I get the meaning here but I'm all so new to AP and learning all the different styles of poetry thanks for sharing thiss one.....
-
You scare me. Where did you get that picture and what the heck is it anyway? If you meant to be scary and freaky then you did an awesome job!!!!!
Adding your comment:
1 - 34 of 34
