a bed of down
he hovers we whisper,
breezes of our souls
white curtains billow
wind everywhere,
oh! his hands carve
indented flesh.
morning's blush at
virgin's hallowed
yes.
restless with Pan's knowledge,
birds move apple blossoms.
warm murmurings
Love's last resistance,
one push transforms...
one thrust into Eve's mystery,
embraced with tears of soft goodbye,
intense sweetness engulfs threshold's pain.
oh god!
it hurts, this changing
remember this!....this is momentous
remember this!....this is the first step on ancient ground.
this is a soul-wrenching falling upwards,
this,
this is my alpha...
Blake's innocence discarded
never have i been so pure...
i hear the birdsongs soar
as the sun slides into
my trembling warm gratitude of womanhood,
i am loving he who has
disappeared,
and this
swollen,
moment
Author notes
Written March 10th, 2006
A contest entry
- Tell Me The Truth. Did You Ever Love Me? by forbidden-colour.
300 points, ended July 12, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Weird, but good.
Good write.x. -
well, a few people who were in this poem have left...(edited)
thanks for the feedback...i like it better
~tryst
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Ah, well look at that. Wonders never cease. I have finally made it over here. And sadly, Annalise has commented before me... sad state of affairs, that. Regardless, let's run throuth the regular mumbo jumbo... Thanx for coming by and taking my and Annalise's contest into consideration. It's great to hear that it's form was interesting enough to push you to pursue us to enter this. Being that it was a pre-write, I had hesitation, but since it was never put prior into a contest, it retain's its 'virgin' status... ha ha... You know I couldn't resist.
Anyhow, let's get to the actual review. First, I think it is a well done piece. I see where you clearly fit into our guidelines with a highly effected moment of your life. I can't say my own experience held such 'magical' quaility, but I think that's more due to my personality and my wicked mouth, more than anything! lol I do need to start with a question though, in this line:
~~he hovering we whispering~~
Do you mean 'me' and not 'we'? If not, than I think you're missing a word or two that defines your proper meaning of that word. Or maybe... just a comma. Also, I see that Annalise has already offered you some great advice. (its hard to beat out of her, so you should feel special! LOL)
I think she is right in saying that you use too many historical figure's in this, and it makes it feel 'crowded'. Though use of some was definitely well placed.
Beyond that, I think you structured it rather well. You also, did a good job of showing the passing of time and its effects on you. The physical world had it's involvement but not dominant. Really, all in all this is well balanced. I don't, off hand, catch excessive words or phrases. This is just good solid work. Thanx for participating! -
This is an interesting addition to the challenge. We are glad to have you (and this) aboard.
The format is great, and the reference to famous/historical people is interesting. Though, you've used so many comparisions, so many subtle metaphors that it sort of become tangled around the middle of the work.
A few places you used unneeded commas, but beyond those little nit pickings... this isn't half bad. Read fast, and flowed pretty well... but it's wrapping one's mind around so many people crowded in here that presents the only real hinderance.
Pretty good work, actually.
Meli -
Nice write, sounds like you have been working on it awhile. My favorite part is this:it hurts, this changing
remember this!....this is momentous
remember this!....this is the first step on ancient ground.
this is a soul-wrenching falling upwards,
We should all remember monumental moments but we don't always. This is a very vivid part.
I also like your use of allusion, comparing yourself to great women of old.
Great job.
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I read this through twice ... and yes I recaptured that moment of transition from girlish innocence to woman's fulfilled role. I know I'm almost repeating Tom B's words, but I had typed mine before I glanced over the rest of the comments. The only part I disagree with is whether or not the pain was engulfed in sweetness - because, for me, it wasn't until the second time we attempted that my barrier broke properly. So that's the only part I can't quite come to grips with. But other than that, very well captured.
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Quite a mesmerizing piece here.
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This is much better. It is guided by your understanding and realiztion not by confusion and fear. This is the woman speaking of the moment, not the girl hiding from it in fear and shame. This is not a self righteous cover up. No, instead, this piece takes us from the innocence and need of puberty and allows us to wake up in the purity of being a woman. The journey has begun. So bad and some fun.
This is a much better work. you have removed the stutters and flutters. You have given the work the dynamic that it needed to sing to the audience that is reading it. Excellentjob. Love,Tom B. -
excellent
Amazing account of the first time you made love, and how beautifully you remember it in these words. You painted us a picture of two people in lust and love. Write ON!....Ennovy
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