eyes stir beneath
vibrations misty dew screen
earthworm's virgin rain
revision 1
virgin rain pounding
vibrations on hot pavement
earthworm's night dancing
revision 2
the rain pounding hot
cracked open the pavement
earthworm's frolic dance
Author notes
Written March 9th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Haiku workshop by myron.
300 points, ended March 23, 2006, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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great poem that you wrote
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thank you
I like the critique given here. Thank you for stopping by. Haley7
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Thank you I'll take your advise. Haley27
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hi haly
the rain pounding hot
cracked open the pavement
earthworm's frolic dance
I see that you have a 565 haiku here
were you attempting to do 575?
it is no longer necessarry to count sylls and this haiku seems a little wordy.
you could convey the same images
it is also best to keep haiku in the present tense
I suggest
hot rain
on a pavement crack
a worm dances
col
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Thanks I'll revise the haiku. Haly27
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eyes stirr beneathe
vibrations misty dew screen
earthworms virgin rain
hi & thanks for entering our haiku workshop contest.
your example here is a bit too cluttered and unclear. please re-read the guidelines & revise your poem.
GUIDELINES FOR WRITING HAIKU
· use concise, simple and clear language
· a haiku is not one complete sentence - put one break in the syntax
· use sense images, in particular what you see or hear
· write in the present tense
· compare or contrast three images
· try to include a seasonal reference
· write in 17 syllables or less, preferably around 8-12 syllables
· use minimal (if any) punctuation
· capture one moment that the reader can reflect upon
· do not make judgements or express your opinions or feelings
· limit your use of adjectives and don't use adverbs
· do not use rhyme, simile, metaphor, personification or poetic language
· do not use capital letters
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