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hey mister

Hey mister,

Your misguided principles get on my wick-
you're a pigheaded braggart who makes me feel sick;
you have a warped sense of your own self importance,
I live for the day that you get your come-uppance.

I feel loathing and hatred for all you believe-
just thinking of you, can make my guts heave;
you're getting all angry, you're jaded and ill,
you're losing your power and long lost your will.

Each night you swim in the gold/amber ocean-
the waves are choppy, but that's devotion;
a man who once, I loved and held dear,
now the husk of a man, who's drowning in beer.


Author notes

Option 1
Written March 9th, 2006

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 37 of 37

  • Ontarah
    February 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Could you let me know your username so I can check to make sure you meet the contest rule?

  • piccola silver member
    February 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this was really good. great use of vocabulary and I feel some loathing. thanks for your entry.


  • Lone Defender
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was heavy...I like it very much.

    The only minor suggestion I would have is to capitalize a few of the "I"s, and this one is perfect.

    But I have to say--your write makes me think very strongly of my step-father from a few years ago, so it hits home with me. I think you phrased the loss and frustration perfectly.

    Do me one small favor and toss the number of the option you used into your Author's Notes.

    Thank you for entering such a great poem, and I wish you the best of luck!


  • The Lost Boy -PP-
    February 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ohohoh. This is a good, vengeful poem. Nice and not over-done. And the fact that you created your own word "come-uppance" just makes me smile so much.
    More people need to use their Poetic License as you do!


  • Clinging-to-Life
    January 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a great write. Hate, anger, and pain wound together...I love it. exactly what i am looking for. something that will send my emotions reeling. Sad story my dear, but great write.

  • openfreemind
    January 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice ryhming it came together well i'm not sure if come-uppance is a word or not i'll have to look it up and see what it means exactly but, i think i get the idea


  • WolfHeart
    September 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    great poetry

    Amber ocean! This poem rocks... unique and done very well.
    I thoroughly enjoyed the read and like how you ended the
    poem.


  • Floorboards
    August 6, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    heehee, thanks a lot for reading and commenting,
    much appreciated,
    floorboards


  • forever - silenced
    August 6, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    LOL... i think this is something i can relate to! My best friend Adam pure pisses me off sometimes! anyways yh i still lurve him to pieces though! but i guess this guy must really piss you off! anyways great write my favourite lines are

    "your misguided principles just get on my wick
    you're a pigheaded egotist,you make me feel sick
    you have a deluded sense of your own importance
    and i live for the day you get your come-uppance"

    These words are full of so much emotion and annoyance well done! great write thank you for entering my contest much love

    ~Forever Silenced~

  • Floorboards
    July 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thanks very much nemesis,
    floorboards.


  • Nemisis
    July 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    nice one for sure, liked reading it. Thanks for entering my contest xxx

  • Floorboards
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thank you very very much for your kind words,
    floorboards.


  • Forms of Me
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    WOW! is the right expression and reaction toward this write!

    There is an astounding feeling of ill mannered feelings and aggression here within this penning which speak loudly and clearly.

    You have definetly expressed yourself very vividly ...keep up the nice work.

    LIZ

  • Floorboards
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thanks a lot for your comment,
    much appreciated,
    floorboards.

  • Floorboards
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thank you very much,
    vey much appreciated,
    floorboards.

  • Damselflydreams
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is very strong and keeps moving so well, very nice work, good luck.


  • WulfDiamondLou33
    June 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. this is good. i never thought it was going to be like this when i saw the name. i thought it might be a cute little poem about a little girl talking to a guy. Wow. keep up the good work

    god bless
    love always
    Diamond

  • Floorboards
    June 19, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thank you very very much,
    floorboards.


  • Dygurl
    June 19, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I can relate to this very well. Reminds me of my poem "Afraid" very nice imegery. thanks for entering and good luck.

    ps. You can only help some one so much. Don't let them pull you down with them. They have to want help

  • Floorboards
    May 8, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    sheesh!thanks very much,you're right,it needs polished up a bit,
    alex.


  • FirstScript
    May 8, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Can't help it. I had to or I would have gone crazy Don't get too mad at me though...

    "you're misguided principles just get on my wick
    you're a pigheaded egotist,you make me feel sick
    with a deluded sense of your own importance
    i live for the day you get your come uppance"

    Your misguided principles just get on my wick,
    you're a pig-headed egotist, you make me feel sick;
    with a deluded sense of your own importance,
    I live for the day you get your come-uppance.


    "i feel disgust and hate in all you believe
    only thinking of you can make me heave
    you're getting angry 'cos you're jaded and ill
    you're losing your power and you've long lost your will"

    I feel disgust and hate for all you believe,
    just a thought of you can make my heart heave -
    you're getting angry 'cause you're jaded and ill,
    you're losing your power, and long lost your will.


    "each night you swim in an amber ocean
    the waves are choppy,but that's devotion
    the man who once i loved and held dear
    the husk of a man who's drowning in beer"

    Each night you swim in an amber ocean
    the waves so choppy, but that's devotion;
    the man I once loved and held dear,
    the husk of a man, now drowning in beer.


    It's a poem that uses humor to mask a grim subject, well written piece of art here. I am amzed at the variety in your poetry Alex, I'm hooked to your work today... will continue reading till I start skimming.

  • Floorboards
    April 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thanks very much for reading and commenting,much appreciated,
    floorboards.


  • Chelsea Void
    April 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    wow. i can feel the loathing in this piece. and the ending note about him drowning in beer. drunken-ness. horrible to deal with, but i feel the hating passion here. lovely even through it's coarse emotion. awesome

  • Floorboards
    March 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    cheers

    thanks very much,very much appreciated.


  • La Luna Rosa
    March 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Powerful.

    Very, very clever, with a lot of feeling. Rhythm a bit choppy at times, but it doesn't detract from the overall impression.

  • Floorboards
    March 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    cheers!

    thank you very much!very much appreciated!


  • 5th position Gb
    March 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This was great. I usually don't like rhyming poems much, but in this case, it definitely works. Excellent job on this poem!!

  • Floorboards
    March 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thankyou!


  • Hurting so bad 08
    March 15, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This poem reminds me of my dad everytime I read it. He always has to have a drink when my brothers are over or when family and friends are over and gets trashed. I love him and all but this annoys me, like it does everyone else. This is a great poem and I thank you so much for entering my contest.
    Krystal

  • Floorboards
    March 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thanks alot!


  • manasvi
    March 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    each night you swim in an amber ocean
    the waves are choppy,but that's devotion
    the man who once i loved and held dear
    the husk of a man who's drowning in beer

    amazing imagery in these lines.. i love the way you can actually visulaize what you say..great write!

  • Floorboards
    March 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    thanks a lot!

    brilliant comment,cheers!

  • buffytheparrotslaye
    March 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Beer Beer everywhere,smell it in the air.

    Now this is amazing as he drowns in his sorrow the stench of beer.Self important but no self esteem many men like this I have seen.The loathing grows more by the day until one day the liver gives out and he goes away.And not even the floorboards or the walls will give a damn.Excellent and straight from a disillusioned heart.Good luck.Elizabeth.

  • Floorboards
    March 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    thanks very much for the comment,cheers!


  • blatant honesty
    March 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Nice work and good meanings

    the husk of a man who's drowning in beer.
    Many good men are lost to beer.

    Good work keep it up.

  • ilamerotto
    March 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    nicely written. not sure if this is about a father or husband or brother or what but i like it. it has a nice rhythem and it reads smooothly. well done.


  • the-raven
    March 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    TRUE that! men are pigs

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