I was talking to my girlfriend, she was horny as could be,
who me to call around that night, if I happened to be free.
While we were idly chatting, an idea came into my head,
I counted out the paces, from the door right to her bed.
I finished my dinner and dressed up in my Sunday best,
went to her place sweating and a wildly thumping chest.
I gently opened her bedroom door and all was dark inside,
crept the precise distance, to be right there by her side.
I gently explored the sheets, until a furry feel was found,
and tenderly fondled it, while my clothes flew all around.
The furry mound was warm and softly quivered to my touch,
I stroked and caressed it and felt a sensation in my crutch.
“Now’s the time” came to mind, an evil and lustful thought,
holding tight I pushed hard, in so much passion I was caught.
Then all hell broke loose and pain shot from limb to limb,
screaming shrilled the night and my head began to swim.
I raced at speed for the door, turning the lights on bright,
blood and skin was everywhere, I was such a sorry sight.
My girlfriend lay on the bed hysterical, wild and all of that,
screaming out her lungs at me “What are you doing to my cat?”
Author notes
Written March 9th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- a place to put some pre-loved poems. by DancingRed.
300 points, ended May 20, 2007, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DATE WITH A TWIST by esroddo.
600 points, ended May 25, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Erotic comedy by aronator.
450 points, ended April 3, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MISHAPS by Life is a Beach.
500 points, ended April 20, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Cheer Me Up In Rhyme by piccola.
700 points, ended November 24, 2008, 33 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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OMG well, at least she didn't have a pet lamb lol. This was funny if a bit predictable. I think I've read your work before because you spell crotch as crutch and spell check can't catch it since they are two things. The crotch between your legs and a crutch to help a person walk. Thank you for entering it did make me laugh.
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Now that is a mishap...and...OMG so glad it never happened to my cat! Good luck in the contest.
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LMAO! This is so funny and a great laugh!
I wish you all the best with this write
and good luck to you in this contest!
Jeremy0826 -
Oh wow... That was funny. Poor Kitty. Nice work. It make me laugh so hard I cried.
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This is funny. Well I guess you got what you were after, in a sense. Not the ending I expected, but what an ending it was. I loved it. Congratulations.
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Wow
This is super humors, I am still laughing. You made my day, men some time don’t measure. Were they stick it, Hahahaha. Love you write. Thank you for entering and good luck. (Lisa)
"I raced at speed for the door, turning the lights on bright,
Blood and skin was everywhere, I was such a sorry sight.
My girlfriend lay on the bed, hysterical, wild and all of that,
Screaming her lungs at me “What are you doing to my cat ?”
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Very funny write and very good read. Love the twist at the end... So cool. Good luck in the contest.
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Wow, this IS some poem!! Outrageously hilarious at that. Thanks so much for entering. Ahhh, I'm going to be giggling for days. 
DancingRed.
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Sidney Potoir did this to a chicken...but it was not an accident and I think the chicken got away. This was pretty funny..it's hard to make me really laugh when I'm like this. You people are all trying and I thank you for that. good luck.
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Of chookd sn things.
I've only done it to an old chook .. dark nights are dangerous ...
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i came back to say that i am sorry and that you were right for calling me tunnel minded after my last comment,for you did indeed write of a cat i ask that you forgive me ,
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this has nothing whatsoever to do with the given pic in this contest
i think this is classed as pussy abuse ha ha ha
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Dirty%20Rude%20Animals%20And%20Especially%20Moles join this so i can read more and more of your sick humor ha ha ha -
LOL. at first I thought this was going to be very erotic but the ending made me laugh so hard lol I am definitely going to show this to some friends. Great and hysterical write, good luck!
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Giggles
Thanks for the applause and comments... gald you got a giggle out of it but make certain you don't fall of your chair and hurt something lol
Barry
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haha now that was SO funny! wow i LOVED it. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest
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WOW a cat go fig who wouldve known best wishes and luck in the contest
~Jolene
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A cat ?? well it was all one big mistake really ... I would not have done it on purpose because I am allergic to them .... now more so ....lol
Thank you for your kind words and generous applause. -
omg.. what a hilarious post, but kinda funky..a cat?? oh bazza lol
keep posting and good luck in the contest..Linda -
Red Red Rose, Yeah thanks Linda, glad you got a giggle and thanks for the comments, but all I got was bloody scratches ... The bandages hopefully come off next Wednesday. Ever seen a mummified doodle ??? rather quaint actually. Well seeing you want a giggle there is a sequel ...allpoetry.com/Poem/1872631 and if you want more .. let me know ...
Warm Feelings, Disappointmet, The Waywrd Wind, many others that have become very popular.
Barry -
Well, that was kinda... weird. ^__^ and kreepy. But it was funny so good job. ^__^
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Edna Sweetlove, I really don't know how to answer your comments but I will humbly accept them as well as the applause. I am allergic to cats so I am lucky I didn't give it a sniff, but I don't think the cat thought much of it anyway.
Maybe The Wind, followed by the Wayward Wind will make it easier to work out the difference between bathroom and serious humour. Tell me what you think, I would appreciate your honest opinion, but make it in the order I gave you. -
It is all to easy to penentrate the wrong pussy in the dark. You should have given it a sniff first to double-check. I liked this poem a lot and shall applaud it, but I am uncertain if it's "toilet" humour as it makes no reference to bodily functions. Unless of course the cat shat itself afterwards. Or if you did one yourself in shock. Nicely rhymed too.
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Thank you for the comment and applause, I am glad you enjoyed it.
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That was freakin hilarious! Nice to see something light for a change! Much props!
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Thought you would enjoy it, as you have a similar brand of humour. Thanks for the comment and applause.
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TheThinker. I'm glad you liked it but I would hate to have to bash these out at the rate you do. But it was goiod fun anyway to try something different. Thanks for the applause and taking the time to comment.
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very funny
LOL... lock up your cats everyone"!
Your imagination is wicked baz
Hillarious -
HA HA! This was so great and such a pleasant suprise! Clever and cute, you got some talent and that includes putting a smile on a persons face!
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OMG BAZZA!!!!! your poor willy must really be a mess!
OH this is fantastic my friend! No wonder you're alergic to cats! Beady mate 
Jen
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There will be another within the hour.Thanks for the comment and applause. Why not try some of my others too?
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10 out of 10
man i wish i could write somethin' funny like you... keep up the wonderful work and keep on writing -
Thank you Mackintoch, for the comment, The furry mound seemed warm and quivered to my touch,
I stroked and caressed it and felt a sensation in my crutch.
This is very good. Keep up the great work.
The sensation was quite enjoyable at that stage of the proceeddings lol -
Actually Sandy, I am thinking about one on you !!! lol Thanks for the comment Sweet Sandy.
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How could I tell the difference from a purring sensation to a quivering one in the dark ?? you try it and see!! lol Somethng I will always remember though .... and also the cat, because he only has 8 left.
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Linda, what does humping mean ??? you mean I wasted all my time avoiding that word just for you to use it ???? lol oh bloody lo !! Actually it never got that far, the bloody cat had a say ... remember ... it's damned painful to have that part of the body scratched and bitten ... I've heard the expression "done like a dog's dinner" but NOT a cat's dinner. !! lol.
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I really think you should rephrase that "keep it up" may be miscontrued you like upsetting cats .... thanks for the comment.
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There are more like that on my site but most are of a more serious vein. Glad you had to pick yourself up off the floor.... had to do the same with the poor old cat too....
Thanks for the comments. -
Hey sister beverly, you think I would do THAT to a cat ??? I am allergic to them, its a wonder I did not start sneezing when I entered the room.Thanks for the comment.
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Hey Melodies, that's not very nice.!! lol. It was an honest mistake and I was even punished for it. Thanks for the comment.
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Thanks for the comment and if it brought a smile then it was what I set out to do, as my signature phrase is 'A smile costs nothing but buys so much'
I hope you find time to read some of my more serious work though. -
Shahrzad, I am glad you liked it and hada giggle, but I was concerned it may have violated your religion or personal ethics, thats all.
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YOU ARE CRAZY
You never cease to amaze me. What is next? On second thought I don't need to know. Surprise us.
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Scarlet I patted it not ate it !!! Thanks for the comment.
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The furry mound seemed warm and quivered to my touch,
I stroked and caressed it and felt a sensation in my crutch.
This is very good. Keep up the great work. You have a bless day and thank you for sharing it as well -
very funny, couldnt stop laughing, keep it up
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Incredibly hillarious! Someone needs to pick me up off the floor. I would love to see more talent like this (I have a bias). Great work!
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different
thought it was the girl but instead it was the cat funny -
Serves you right and I hope you get fleas.
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Hilarious!
HAh, reminds me of the old south park episode the chicken fucker in the towns book mobile. Very good form for such a crazy-humorous poem. Well done, enjoyed reading it, and enjoyed the few minute laugh it gave me. Thanks for the opportunity to see this, keep up the good writeing. -
hahahha...daddy,this piece seems a little naughty,but I like it for I love surprise endings.
It's not bad at all for the humorous end.
Love you daddy,
Shahrzad
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Mate I was too bloody and sore to say anything ............ Thanks for the comment.
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My girlfriend lay on the bed, hysterical, wild and all of that,
Screaming her lungs at me “What are you doing to my cat ?”
so what to do?
this is life my dear..
great picturisation here...
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Thank you for the comment......... I think this would be dangerous to comment further lol
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One must be careful in such situations. Don't want to cough up a hairball, lol. You know how cats are?
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You think that is why my grandchildren's cat runs like crazy whenever I come near it ?? You think they are physchic ?? Glad to make you laugh for a change. and thanks for the applause and comments.
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Actually I am allergic to cats when I get close ... now I know what caused it, but I dont understand why I only sneeze.Thank you Joan.
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What a hilarious story! Is it true?
Dear Barry, once again you have me rolling on the floor splitting my sides with laughter! That'll teach you to sneak in without turning the light on first!
OOOHHHHH This is hilarious! I bet the cat thought all its birthdays had come at once!
You are such a comedian. Love it Barry.
Joan
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Completely laughing audibly and it's only 7 am. THIS IS HILARIOUS! It's amazing when such great writers can create a such a rich humorous piece. still chuckling. Good one Barry.
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Thanks Von but you women should stop and think about all the things us poor blokes have to go through just so you can have a good time !!
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Theres a joke in here you know but I won't go there. Baz this just bloody marvellous, but look on the bright side it gave the girlfriend something to laugh at roflmao
Loved every minute
Von -
Hey mate how are you ?? Great fun this .. Thanks for the comments .. will catch up on Yahooooooo soooon.
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Excellent Funny Write
Barry you sure know how to make us laugh with your poetry this was excellent my friend and had me in tears it is so funny wishing you the best of luck in this contest its a sure fire winner to me all the best mate Brian.
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