Falling petals against an Autumn air
So much out of place
Snowflakes fall round apple trees
On blossoms bold and bare
Scent of jasmine flowing freely
On a cold crisp air
Blazing starlight
In a mid-day sky
The blue and brilliant sun
Brilliant gems flashing brightly
In the center of the rose
Thorns dripping blood
Of a million tears of freedom
Embrace me now, for I, for thee
In darkest sunlight bow
On the ground and on the knee
For light the touch and sound
Kisses of a moonbeam
Embrace of shadows, warm
Hold your breath and strain, believe
Of these things I was born.
Author notes
Written March 9th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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A few grammar-ish suggestions (suggestions because I know that my grammar thoughts go array sometimes:
1. First stanza, third line I would recomend an accent mark before 'round'.
2. You might want to indent every other line of the first stanza, but thats just personal preference, doesn't really matter.
2. Forth stanza, forth line doesn't quite make sense to me. Is it "light of touch and sound" or perhaps "for light, tough, and sound"
3. Forth stanza, first line, I think that "for you and me" would also work there. Either way is fine though.
4. I believe that the last line needs a comma between 'things' and 'I'.
Now that I've got that out of my system, back to the poetic part of things. Interesting rhyming, it rather catches the reader off guard. Assonance (who came up with that word?) and alliteration (now that's a fun word) made things flow better. Third stanza, woah, great imagery. I could really picture that rose.
Meaning: I start out getting a feeling of that things are not right (in the world is assumed because of the title). Then I get the feeling that you/'I'/the person is in a dark time, but that's not quite what they want, so they bow to the light. Next there's the whole moonlight thing, like there's a realization that although he's part of the dark, there is still some good there (that whole ying and yang thing). Was I close in interpretation? (I'll never trust myself ever since I read "O Captain, My Captain". Who knew it was a about Lincoln?)
Overall, this leads mean through a miny story, kinda. There's the set up, then an understanding, then a resolution. Good job. This concludes my most detailed comment yet. -
Hmm... I'm not sure what you're talking about but it's deep. Keep up with the writing man. ROCK! >_<
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Also. Hey Medea.... Poetry is an emotional release for A LOT of people, so don't critique how they write it or even how they spell. There are a number of my writings that have many words misspelled, but that's because I was in an emotional roller coaster when I wrote it and my fingers didn't always hit the keys I were intending they hit. I don't change it, because it all adds to the character of the writing. Get it? Got it? GOOD!
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