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Wings Lost

I was an angel long ago
with wings of molten gold.
When I sang my song of joy
the heavens would unfold.
My eyes were lit with sapphire stars,
and the moon called out my name.
My halo wrapped around the Earth,
and beasts once wild went tame.
But all things tarnish, all lives end,
and no exception was mine.
My halo crumbled into dust,
my eyes refused to shine.
The song of joy, the burst of wings,
lay withered, tumbled, shattered.
Love dissolved in a burst of flames,
and back to the Earth I scattered.

Author notes

I don't really like the title. If you have any suggestions let me know.
Written March 7th, 2006

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Beastial Wench
    March 8, 2006
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    You might not liek it, but I love it! The imagery is excellent and the effect, overall, is beautiful. Wow. I love it!

  • in-the-twilight
    March 7, 2006
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    Wow, I really like it. I can picture the eyes, and the wings, and a beautiful young woman sitting on lovely clouds. Then when the halo crumbles I see a look of shock on her face and when she falls to earth she is just struck. It is just amazing, I love it.


  • Nephlim
    March 7, 2006
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    Wow, this is short, but it is GREAT really really good. A beuatiful picture is created, and it is of a good topic, great topic. It is written with a nice flow, not even one of the rhymes or lines seem the least bit forced. Great job.


  • MissPennyLane
    March 7, 2006
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    I definatley agree with you that the title needs to be changed, right now it's too long, and I think to fit this poem it should be something more simple, and less choppy.

    That aside, this poem is honestly astonishing. I love your range of vocabulary used in this-and how a lot of it comes unexpected, creating vivid imagery in the audience's mind.

    I think the first line of this is weak, I don't think it adds to the poem, but more-so takes away from the quality of the rest. I really love the second line "with wings of molton gold.", because this creates a distinct image, so maybe trying to find a way to change the first line a little, while not doing much, if anything to the second line.

    I'm still trying to come up with a suggestion for a title for this-and currently nothing is coming to mind. I think it should be a lot more specific though, if that helps any. Maybe something about falling and the golden wings shattering, but worded differently, and a lot shorter.

    I really liked this poem, and I think it has even more potential. I agree with starlight that it is different from other poetry on this website-because I think it brings something new to the table-it's so much more than you're normal poem about the same things written about on this site over and over. It has it's own personality, and I love that it seems as if a distinct voice emerges from this. Thank you very much for sharing this.

    Amanda


  • starlight eyes
    March 7, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is very different than many poems I have read on here and I really enjoyed this!! This was a very beauitful poem. I loved your use of words and I hope you continue to write. Once again good job!

1 - 5 of 5