In the darkness of the mourning that never ends
My cousin and I are at the top of this mountain, on the rock
Sitting on the edge, looking at the lightning striking miles away
Looking at the valley we’re able to think, and see for eternity
The black clouds crowd the light from the sun, as it fights through the sky
We laughed, we cried, we talked of years gone on
Now we are speaking of the years to come
My heart is weighed down like a bottle neck full
Made up of the dirt, and the hurt that I hold
My eyes wide shut, filled with the tears that fall down
Lower and lower as bits of my heart hit the ground
Surrounded by these transparent tears, they shatter and break
I’m left to walk over my jagged remains, when I’m faded
As the pieces crumble, I stand here and wonder
If I pick up the glass would it leave me with cuts on my hands?
The glass fades but her face fails to memories of the sun barely rising
She smiled and lit up the room
When we used to walk outside, she set my world on fire
Yet in her head there are clouds, and in her heart it rains hard
Like her past and now that she’s in the present it’s still so bad
This is just one more day, along with one more breath, realize that this is one step closer to death
Loved ones lay 6 feet under while I stand here and wonder if they were ever able to find forever
Live for now, and to remember to never forget your loved ones once lived
Her heart is hung below her neck, from a silver chain
Mine just hangs dangling from a piece of string
When she’s with me the pieces connect, supporting the strands I feel like I’m levitating
I’m love struck now; I can’t control this feeling which I miss
I let my heart and my soul seep through my vocal cords, as I read you this
This hill is so dark and it’s so hard to see with cars that fly by past me speeding
But when you close your eyes you get a sight of the flames and reality is clinging
The sun sets in a haze matching the elicit flames on the horizon, as it burns up in a blaze
Fast paced clouds pass, on the day that never ends
Grab a hold of the one you love, since family can be so fucked up
I’m running up the road toward her house
I found her sister’s bike facing down, that she and I used to ride
Next to a cliff it only left me thinking, of the bikes we ditched
The sun rises bright, and then falls fast, like life it’s a mere shadow as it darkens as it disappears
I heard someone cry into the night that never ends
Sitting back next to a boulder that’s crumbled into the sand
Tears are what group the grains making bits whole
Looking down towards her feet you can see a puddle
Holding her head in her hands, I looked in to her eyes welled up with tears they are the deepest jade a couple of the greenest things on this mountain that are still here
Glossy and glazed they shine bright like the moon lit sky
You can’t catch them on fire but I’ve seen them flame
She’s hiding something from me that I can’t comprehend
I take a couple steps toward her, and then I get a sick sense and say
What’s the matter baby, the fires not that bad?
I wait for a second, and then she said nothing back
Her heart’s like a pennant bashed and bruised, with my name engraved in it
She’s a diamond in the rough, left so scuffed up
Sparks from this sun ignite the night sky with stars
That looks down at flames that start brush fire,
And the spur of the moment is sharp, with a point that sticks out
Pricking the mind that bleeds the past reliving memories
She stands up and looks at me and says
Maybe this is right; maybe we all should burn on this hill tonight, burn on this hill tonight
You’re just weak and scared, at the sight of your wrist
I’m strong and scared for you, clenching my fists
I know I’m a part of the reason you didn’t cut as deep as needed to be
Because I was there for you and would listen so closely
You throw your arms around my neck… I feel a chill
Now I have got the weight of the world on my shoulders
Thinking bout the time you told me on the phone killing yourself just isn’t the way to go
Memories vivid, you know I still want to hold you until the rough times are over
I try to give you a hand, just hoping to help, but you throw it right back
I never wanted to leave your side that night
I never wanted to leave your side
I never wanted to leave you . . . alright
As we weave through this road, the sky starts raining red
All in all I think I know what’s going on inside
It’s not right . . . it’s not right . . . it’s not right
Now I can see it’s the helicopter over our heads, and then we jump in the van
Driving down hill speeding past these red lights
I think I’ve lost my head; I’m on the edge, along with my senses
My sight, my touch, my hearings gone, there’s too much going on all at once
We all get to the house the but I’m outside on the curb
I’m trying to think well if she would have passed away where I would have put myself
Guys and girls split up It feels like a punishment a little bit of hell
Is she trying to seek attention, or attempting to lose all her family and friends
There she was under the light like a bud that wasn’t able to bloom, your inner light is what makes you grow to be who you are, and do the things you do
Her hair is dark but it shines as it moves through the air
In the wind, mimicking the flames as it waves off to one side of her shoulder
Her mom said some things along the lines of she was a mistake and was never supposed to be
She’s put up with so much shit, it just tears me up
I wanted to understand how far you thing you would go in life by trying to commit suicide
She got the best of you, and she got the best of me too
So high in the morning, the lightning’s exiting
Now it’s the night, and the dark is just frightening
Heat rises, so does the tension on the hill
When you’re on top of the world you fall far from grace as you fade away feeling misplaced
I lay in the room without a care, my cousins sleeping on the chair and nothing else is left
So I’m flat on my back and everything goes quiet
When time is moving as slow as my eye lids starting to drop down resisting the rest
Not able to sleep, but left only to keep thinking of this mess
She was in a different room; I knew she would be coming out soon
3:00 and I feel the floor creaking; I know who it is I don’t even look to see
She got on the floor without a word and held on close to me
She was crying, apologized and said never again
You faced me as lips collide together and mend
Your lips feel so full of feathers but it just loves meaning
She held me through that night as she sealed it so soothing with a kiss
To know that I’ve changed your life for the better or for the best
Now I’ve gotten a lot off my chest
I’m hoping to wake from a dream, because that’s what she was only with feet
With skin that seemed like porcelain, it was now easy to sleep
And proved to me that what she had done wasn’t right
Woke up to sunshine, grazing my face
Holding her in my arms, lying next to me enjoying the embrace
Author notes
i moved down to california to get closer to family and i met a girl that i was with for a year and nothing elce existed other than her and my family i havent showed her this yet but im wanting feed back on if i should and how i could improove it i got a picture that looked good but i dont know how to edit its size www.photo.net/photo/pcd1666/chaco-sunset-74.4.jpg
anyway i hope you enjoyed tell me what you got out of it
Written March 6th, 2006
A contest entry
- Love Love Looovveee by natster.
500 points, ended June 19, 2006, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just make me cry, that is all. by Naridill.
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525 points, ended May 24, 2007, 13 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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wow, this really touched my heart. you had my attention and held it completely. but it seems more like a story just broken up into separate lines. hmmm, i'll have to think on this one.
i really loved the lines:
I never wanted to leave your side that night
I never wanted to leave your side
I never wanted to leave you . . . alright
just so touching. and absolutely beautiful. -
great poem very well done indeed
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thought this was nice read more like a story but if you try seperating it into stanza orsomething like this might help
In the darkness of the mourning that never ends
My cousin and I are at the top of this mountain,on the rock Sitting on the edge,
looking at the lightning strike miles away
Looking at the valley we’re able to think,see for eternity The black clouds crowd the light from the sun,
as it fights through the sky
We laughed and cried, we talked of years goneNow we are speaking of the years to come
My heart is weighed down like a bottle neck full
Made up of the dirt, and the hurt that I hold
My eyes wide shut, filled with the tears that fall down
Lower and lower as bits of my heart hit the ground
Surrounded by these transparent tears, they shatter and break
I’m left to walk over my jagged remains, when I’m faded
As the pieces crumble, I stand here and wonder
If I pick up the glass would it leave me with cuts on my hands?done a couple of alterations as so you can see what i mean hope its ok but i really do like this with a bit of fine tuning this could be the best write yet need any help im me
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You may want to go read the contest rules again. I am removing this until the problem is corrected. You can reenter it then.
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A great story but a tad bit to follow.... perhaps if there were a few breaks in it! None-the-less a most interesting piece to read... I feel like you have penned your life for us to read!
Blessings,
Frogz~ -
This was like reading a life journal a story of sorts,
thank you for sharing with all of us,
Warm thoughts
Frozentearz -
Really Really Really good. I can picture it clearly in my head. Major kudos!!!!
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This is so sweet and beautiful BUT I'm afraid I specifically asked for no swearing. Thank you for entering, though, I liked reading this poem.
♥
-nat -
hey dude. i loved this poem. i never really got the chance to tell you that. dude your a genius when it comes to thinking of things.. definatly when it comes to our song writing. your awesome bra.. keep it up.
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awwwwww this is so sweet it brought tears to my eyes!! great job!!! never stop writing keep it up!!!
~Crys aka PassionOfAnAngel~ -
This is really awesome... You might try breaking it up into stanzas to make it a little easier to sort through... If you would like, I can resize the picture for you... just let me know!!!
Beth -
This is definitely an awesome story. I loved the way the words flowed. It was happy and sad at the same time. Keep up the awesome poetry!!!
-
good
wow. ok first of all, i really like this. theres a ton of emotion, and well... you get the full story. however, its very very long and you lose grasp on what youre trying to say. there are soo many thoughts jumbled in this. the only way i pieced it together was by reading your comment. i think you have a lot of good thoughts and emotion, but you have to link them together in a way where the whole thing flows. it also felt a little repetitave with the description. it almost felt like i couldnt get a grasp on it... its like sometimes i could but then you switched your focus and then i lost you again. maybe if this was two different poems for the different ways you were heading with this it might help also. this is very veryy impressive! ive never read anything like it and it's truly unique. you did a great job with this, dont mind me im just a critic... lol.
keep it up!!
~amanda~ -
Wow. No wonder it took you a long time to write this - it's extremely long for a poem and full of a lot of complicated thoughts, emotions and events. Honestly (don't take this the wrong way because it's meant as a compliment) it reminds me of The O.C. (how fitting that you live in California). It was that interesting, that dramatic. It was like reading an entire season of The O.C. in one poem - awesome!!! Unfortunately, it's not so awesome to have all this as a real life experience.
I found it a bit confusing at times (it sort of made my head spin) but I think that just adds to the appeal. I couldn't quite figure out who died and who attempted suicide and who was still there... but I really loved all your metaphors and powerful descriptive words. There was a bit of needless repitition in there but it somehow didn't hurt your point, it just gave the same images over and over again (such as fire and red and blood).
Very well done. There are a few lines that will stay with me always such as "she's like a diamond in the rough, left so scuffed up"... that was just awesome.
Keep up the good work! I'm very proud that you worked so hard on this and came up with something so brilliant. -
That was a beautiful poem. I love the story here. A greater portion of it hit really close to home. The ending is especially triumphant. The wonderful embrace of love.
It's a tough call on whether or not to show her. I think that's going to have to be your own choice. No one can really tell you what to do, you need to dig deep inside yourself and find the answers there. As for improvements, the only thing I can say is look carefully at grammar and spelling.
Anyways, a really awesome poem. Great work. Much love.
~Rianna~
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