“I want to talk to you about something,”
she said, an earthquake note rupturing her usual Sunday voice,
and it was then, I learned that most of my heroes were wrong,
the ones that insisted: ‘All you need is love’
But I replied, “Let’s go out into the balcony.
The moon is full of good news, and there is plenty of wine.
It’s better than supper, or maybe like last year’s Valentine’s.”
She nodded like a Roman slave, and came outside,
her arms crossing her belly, slippery and warm as butter,
as she stood like a child waiting in line for a drink of water
“I don’t think this is working,”
she swayed sadly, soft like the sand filling my throat,
“All I can say is I’m sorry, please know it’s not you.”
And I saw God moving away, moon-smeared, and growing deaf
to my stuttering hands, my earnest feet and eyes,
kicked a puppy-shaped bruise, and I fumbled,
losing the moment; this one time, keeping my mouth shut.
“I’ll leave the door unlocked, don’t stay out there too long.
It’s getting chilly,” she murmured like a hesitant thief,
and walked away, heavy with everything, except my love.
Author notes
OPTION: Broken Hearts
Written March 3rd, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- So... I have a lot of points and I want to share. by HistoricJ.
350 points, ended June 20, 2006, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Perfection! The imagery and everything was dead on! You should have won gold...not silver, but who am I to nitpick about someone elses work...lol. Awesome job.
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i totally agree with everyone above! the scene was picture perfect...great job on a poem well written! thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
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Great read and write good luck in the comp you have all the ingreadients for gold i feel .
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This was so profound and striking. It was also very real and I really caught the feeling for this. It was an excellent piece of writing.
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The awkwardness of the moment when you tell someone that something as important as a relationship isn't working was very well caught by you in this astounding write. I got a sense not just of the awkwardness, but also of the hopelessness and finality of the woman's statement. Powerful writing.
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Bravo
This was great, I especially love the last part "heavy with everything except my love" That just summed the entire piece up, very nice job. -
f
oh my goodness...oh my goodness...oh my goodness...does this work! I was sitting there at the table and then off to the balcony with heart in hand!!! Wow...you created a really great scene...and added some powerful emotions...job well done...loved it!!
peace
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wow i love it when a man can express his feelings
I think this poem is awesum and you should write more. I am so sorry about you and your ex. i think that you are a great poet! i think you should forget about it and move on. I think it is great that you are expressing your feelings in a healthy way, instead of going home and punching a wall or something like that
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nise poem
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I agree with Candor, simply amazing words and metaphor.. This is a very good poem watered, it's one of those ones that makes me go "wow", because I could see the lady and her suiter on the balcony.
Again, wow... loved it and thank you for your kind comments on my lyrics
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Wow! I could feel the awkwardness of the moment and you did make every line count. Good luck in the contest and welcome. RC
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