“ANA”
I’m a disgrace
You heard me the first time
don’t make me repeat my own poison
I would beg...
but I’m already below that level
On the floor
blacked out
I never remember...
anything but the cold
I remember the cold
My nails turn blue
along with my heart
I scream inside
just in case someone can hear me
Alone
Forever
or so it seems
it seems I need
What?
bones
painfully protruding what little flesh is left
Ribcage
getting tight around infected lungs
that’s better...
hands turning purple
scarred knuckles
blood
vomit
dizzy infatuations with
skin
exhaustion
stairs get steeper
steps get bigger
distance seems further
I get heavier
In my head
Numbers get smaller
but it’s still not enough
She pulls my body from the floor
This strength I have
keeps me standing
I should be dying
I wish
I don’t want to survive
Why is she doing this?
Why me?
Why now?
I need her now...
Now more than ever
we go side by side
my dear friend and I
Like a rush of ecstasy to my veins
electric pulses through my mind
I need her
now more than ever
Reflect for a while
My child
Memories
Mirrors to my eyes
Stay away
please
I would beg...
but I’m still below that level
Don’t make me remember
Please
not again
I’ve had enough
let me forget
Please
Not again
I need to run away
I need to run
I need to run
[I hit my face on the bathroom floor]
I find myself
lingering over the empty space
Between water and my eyes
Choking on what remains
Choking
Choking
Choking
Purging out my brains
It feels better that way
Tears stream down my face
and sting my hands on the way....
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
[making tiny ripples in the water]
I’ve been falling for such a long time
But even in front of your eyes
You failed to see
the invisible child
What will happen to me now?
Don’t let me fall
“Ana”
I need you by my side
and if I fall... we fall together
hand in hand
I need you
“Ana”
I need you to live
I need you to die
all at the same time
It seems ironic
but living this way...
is silently killing me inside
[keeping me alive]
On the outside I whither...
I fade
silently my body whispers my last goodbye...
Author notes
i know it has a bit of bulimia in there but i was mainly struggling with anorexia and still am at my lowest points. this poem is just how it makes me feel. how much i hate it but at the same time how much i need it to survive... what is inevitably killing me makes me feel alive.
Written March 1st, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Blind Beauty by ecnamor.
300 points, ended March 6, 2006, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So far from perfection.... by Madison Mary.
300 points, ended January 3, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Most definitely a remarkable piece you have penned here
You make it very "real" to the reader, capturing the emotion and imagery very well -
This is really good and well deserving of the gold. Instantly recognizable by me as one of the best pieces that I have ever read. Awesome job! Keep it up.
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I've read this a lot of times and it still gets to me. I think the ending could have been stronger, but I also like how it fades out, like the girls life. There are so many outstanding lines I can't really pick a favorite. I don't have much else to say except I hope you're better now..
Jeanette*~
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Wow... this is amazing. It's written in such an odd form... one I've never come across before... and yet it says so much. But not just in words, but in spacing and placement. Great job!
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Wow - I can see why you won, this is AMAZING!!! I lov the falling part and the ending and everything, its set out interesing too - well done!
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wow. I really loved this poem. Great job, thanks for entering.
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wow!!! This is an amazing poem!!! I really hope you do well in the contest!! You deserve to!!
Its good that you have written from person experience!! Even if that experience is unpleasant (I kinda know what you are going through!!)!!
Good luck!! Great write!!
x Charlie x -
OH MY GOD!!! WOW!!!
Jeez... *attempts to swear but can't cause of being too young*
Wow..... I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. But this poem was... gobsmacking, for the want of a better word. I can't pick out my favourite bit - it was all totally amazing. It's just such a perfect way to describe ana. Your best friend and yet your worst enemy at the same time. Oh, my God, I wish I could write like you.
I send you all my best wishes, get better if you can. "She" can be defeated. Well I hope she can... Light at the end of the tunnel and all that.
I would use up all my applauses on this but I can't cause the site won't let me lol.... I hope you win this contest. You deserve it, cause this write is so much better than the one i entered.
The use of the word "falling" and then repeating it over and over again like you did is stunning, it makes me feel like I am actually falling.
You're so talented, don't ever stop writing.
All my love et hugs,
* ~ Laura ~ *
xXx
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wow... its mad crazy man, not really sure what to say...
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i know there is a light at the end of the path, you are not in this alon, you have the people who care about you. there is a lot of emotion in this poem, i can feel everything, you don't need this to stay alive, there is more to life then this, keep it flowing and remember no matter what you are never alone.
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