Energy in this place
smiles and peevishly grins
as if to mock the suspense
of doubt and chance,
which looms and settles low
upon the empty stage.
Shadows gather and disperse,
making something of nothing
but day's labors are sought
and soon forgotten
between the transepts of time.
We are gathered,
men and women
unified in purpose
assembled here to breathe
to share a breath
and live a life of shadows.
We are gathered
to dance in, and fade out;
only shadows, we
blend the boundaries
of endless fantasy
and reality.
We are here to be great beings,
let us be those who travel
through curtains of emotions,
and then back again;
let us bring forth a great resolution.
Then after, only to part paths,
let the conspiracy fade,
let it taint the air,
and we will forget ourselves as
shadows dancing upon the stage.
Author notes
conspiracy means to breathe out here...
Written February 24th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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YOUR WRITE IS EXCELLENT ! BUT SORRY !! PLEASE READ THE RULES ! THE LINE LIMIT IS 15 ! SORRY BUT I SHOULD D/Q THIS BUT I WOULD BE GLAD TO ACCEPT OTH POSTS OF YOURS !!!
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thank you for taking a look, I have no idea what to do with first stanza...I have tried many times.
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I really liked this poem-and I think for the most part the emotions are really strong, especially in the 4th and last stanza. I think those two were by far your strongest. I think you need to work a little on the first stanza, in trying to grab the readers attention, and make them want to keep reading. I really enjoyed this!
Amanda -
I enjoyed the metaphorical idea that we are all actors during this life until such time as the final curtain call. You always have a great way with imagery and you gift is still keenly sharpened.
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WOW
this is so true...i myself am a starving and aspiring actress, and you can feel so mych intensity and energy in this poem. it was amazin. i saw this as a featured poem, and i knew it was going to be good just by the title. you did an excellent job, and a thousand applauses would not be enough
thank you for sharing with us!
*debbie* -
Actors come and go through their characters - and these role players can become many different characters in different plays and movies - soem will always be known for that one outstanding role, others for many. Liked this take on actors.
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I never thought of it that way, that is very interesting, the curtain being others emotions and reactions...wow...
Do you act? -
this was a very interesting poem which has a lot of detail and tells of all of the work that must be put into as an actress or an actor. it tells of walking through a curtain of emotion which is what it is really like if you are walking onto a stage of very critical people who will judge nearly everything that you do wrong or they can be a great audience if your performance is even anywhere near as good as they hope for because trust me acting is hard when you are younger.
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Excellent
You have an incredible talent for weaving words into exquisitely detailed tapestries. When someone clicks on one of my featured poems, I find it an opportunity to meet someone new as well as read something of theirs. I'm glad I chose this exceptionally good piece to preview. Continue in this vain and you shall go far. Just remember, it is a God-given talent; so, use it well, use it wisely.
Love and hugs
B♥nnieQ
Associate Editor
Waltsan Publishing -
I really like all of the possibilities of this. it opens the mind to anything. very simple, and absolutely beautiful. good luck _~ The Shadow ~_
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I think you are right and there are some places where the flow can be improved by just adding or removing a syllable. I think in L4 you need another syllable, something before "chance".
In S2L3 the phrase "day's labors" trips the flow a little with the word "sought" at the end.
I love stanza 3 it is brilliant, the flow is perfect. In stanza 4 the 2nd line needs some improvement: "to dance in, and fade out;" I think this line is a syllable to long to be able to fit with the rest of the stanza.
I think you could remove the fourth line of stanza 5 as it doesn't really need it. I think L3 can go straight into L5.
I also think you can get rid of "as" at the end of the fourth line in stanza 6.
I hope this helps. Nikki -
Greetings! I'm not much good at critiquing free verse, but I do try. I like the general tenor of this, and I appreciate the message and the interesting use of 'transept' here. I could be wrong, but you seem to be describing this poetic forum?
'Gather' seems to me to be over-used, though I do see that you seem to have purposely repated one of the lines. Also the last two stanzas don't have the same feel as the previous ones... are almost hortatory ? ... and they could be tightened up a bit. Sorry I'm not much help, but you have my impressions. Okay?
enjoyin' de Light, Daniel -
great!
Beautiful. I am an actor, and I like that you decided to write about that. -
I like the tone of the poem. It is introspective with a peaceful feel. It has an air of self betterment without being guilt ridden. In the first verse I was distracted by the many words ending in ing. Lol, I know there is some grammatically correct label for them, but don't ask me what it is
. I think you could make it flow a little smoother and sort of suck us into the rest of the poem by tightening it up just a bit by using fewer --ing's--. Something like this.
Energy consumes this place
seems it's here,
there in the middle of
smiles grinning,
seemingly mocks the suspense
of doubt and chance
which looms upon the empty stage.
Also, line 2 of the second stanza could be stronger with perhaps
makes nothing something.
I really like that statement. Apparant nothings are too often overlooked while we pick and choose the somethings. Makes us miss a lot at times
I think it is a great poem even as it is right now. It lets me walk away with some possitive thoughts and with a slightly different perception of the world. Glad I stopped by to read it
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good
I think that you put a very fine effort into this poem. Keep it up. -
good descriptions very expressive good job
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Thank you so much, that does sound better!!! I appriciate a great critique so much.
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Beautiful imagary painted in this poem and great descriptions of actors and what they portray. As actors they put their hearts and souls into each performance they do, whether it be on stage or infront of a TV camera.
The only thing I would suggest to finnish this poem is in the 4th stanza change boundary to boundaries so it reads
We are gathered
to dance in and fade out;
only shadows, we
blend the boundarys
of endless fantasy
and reality.
Just a suggestion that I think would make it read a little better Apart from that one small thing the rest is perfect just the way it is. You have done a wonderful job with this poem and it gives the readers a real glimpse of just what it actually means to be an actor.
Sapphire
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good description of actors...whether they are actual actors or people 'acting'...not being real. lots of good word play make this an interesting read. very nicely done
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a good one
This is a lovely poem. I like the imagery, the flow of words, the metaphors. Everything about it is good. I'm feeling this. -
good job
nice use of personifcation. i notice allusions to shakespeare and the bible. =)
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