The look on your face
As you stood in the door said it all
Said it all
Told me everything you were thinking.
I'm still a disgrace
To you, trying hard not to fall
Not to fall
But Darling, I'm in sand and I'm sinking.
Criticisms come from the older and more fierce
You are a cry for help that won't even pierce
The atmosphere in these rooms
Inhale-Exhale-Hateful Fumes
Standing in a crowded room and I'm screaming
No one cares 'cuz I'm just dreaming
Maybe they can't even hear it.
It's dark.
I'm bleeding.
I'm crying.
I'm hurting.
The look on your face
As you stood in the door said it all
Said it all
Told me everything you were thinking.
I'm still a disgrace
To you, trying hard not to fall
Not to fall
But Darling, I'm in sand and I'm sinking.
Criticisms come from the bolder and less weak
You are my cry for help 'cuz I'm a Freak
Like the atmosphere in this house
Whisper-Whisper-Quiet.As.A.Mouse...
Standing in a crowded room and I'm screaming
No one cares 'cuz I'm just dreaming
Maybe they can't even hear it.
The look on your face
As you stood in the door said it all
Said it all
Told me everything you were thinking.
I'm still a disgrace
To you, trying hard not to fall
Not to fall
But Darling, I'm in sand and I'm sinking.
Author notes
This was inspired by a line in a Placebo song that goes 'this house is no longer our home'. Right now I can really really relate to that!
Written February 23rd, 2006
A contest entry
- AP Book Contest: Get Published! (Last Chance!) by tinuelena.
1200 points, ended December 12, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
Alright... I suppose I can give critiquing this a shot. First off, it's a poem, right? It reads like a song, with the chorus and all. So, I guess my three issues with this poem would be:
1) It's very hard to tell what the heart of your subject is, and it comes off a bit rambled at times. You could consider re-reading it, then trying to re-write parts of it to say what you're trying to say more clearly.
2) The random capitalization. I don't really understand why it's necessary, but maybe it is to you, so I'll let that alone.
3) Overall, it's not bad, it's just that... well, I'm really not sure what we're talking about. At all. It's almost as though we're talking about up to three or four different subjects in the same poem, and they don't flow into one another. So, flow could use some improvement.
Now, to be constructive. I do think you have some talent, and I am jealous of the fact that you can sing and play guitar. This has the beginnings of a good poem/song, but it appears rather jumbled right now, so if you just fixed that and had the subjects flow into one another, I think it'd be great. Or you could just pick a subject and stick with it. See, it's very hard to tell whether it's about someone you're dating, or family, or being stifled in your own home, wanting to escape... or maybe I missed the mark entirely. So yes. If you just worked on that, I think you have the makings of something very good here.
Adding your comment:
