from silence I speak
words dance for no audience
you patiently breathe
my eyes follow sleep
you have already succumbed
from silence I speak
You and I don't bleed
the soft dream light has returned
you patiently breathe
clearly we retrieve
our hearts will never detour
from silence I speak
No Separation
one form passionate fever
you patiently breathe
Within the swirls of colours we dream
all fears we have known, gone or bewildered
from silence I speak
you patiently breathe
Author notes
Re-written due to poor format execution.
Written February 23rd, 2006
A contest entry
- AP husband WANTED by Ianthe.
350 points, ended May 15, 2006, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PIF Villanelles only by ecrivain01.
650 points, ended August 19, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Interesting variation ...
but you might want to keep in mind that the rule in punctuation for poetry is all or none. Capital letters are punctuation, and since the rest of the poem is blatantly not punctuated, they stand out immediately and distracted me from concentrating on what I was reading. I had to go back and reread it three times to really get it.
I thought the word "bleed" was a bad choice there, but all the rest of this seems to work fairly well.
Not a bad job all in all.
Thanks for entering. -
woww a nice poem villanelle form soo well written well i havent read the old one but this is really fabulous
and its a good well writeen 
nice to share
i give 10000 appluads for you
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Thank you
I really appreciate your comment.
Thanks again!
xo
wolf
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bravo
ah,ha, a most interesting and intrigueing variation upon the classic villanelle, indeed! Most adroitly done, I like this muchly... bravo.. bravo... -
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Thank you
Your comment was inspiring.
wolf
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regardless of form, this is a passionate and affecting work. (the form is very good, by the way) Love the suggestive heat conveyed by your words. "One form passionate fever"--a truly sublime phrase. Excellent!
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Thank you eternally for the comments from someone so wise as you. I have looked at you author page and I am truly honored to accept your kind words with humility and thankfullness.
I hope to call you friend from this day forward...though we may have been friends for much longer than that...only the light knows for sure at this stage of the cycle.
peace to you. -
Wonderful flow to this one and the emphasis your render makes me surrender to the muse in its heady ruse which allays the reader in me for a pleasant journey down a dreamy lane of silences and breathings and then I am gasping for love was never described so well and the short distance between two lovers and their proximal affiliations cleverly eulogised by your artistic touch
Shubs
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good
"within the swirls of colours we dream"......aahh ... very nice ..this is a perfectly written piece.perfectly executed..well done.
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Hey Moon Baby! You originally thought I spelled Vanilla wrong; didn't you? Yeah!..I know you have been waiting, I need to gather the thoughts worthy of your splendor, my dearest Moon. I've been into my dark places most recently.
Squeeses and kisses!!!+ -
I like the form and flow... this was interesting. I dont know that I have read a villanelle before.
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much better, thanks. it looks and flows a lot better now.
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I have just edited the piece...how is the structure now? response is appreciated. Thanks!
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thanks for your entry but i agree it needs some work on it, there are no repeating lines here withing the verse.
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Thanks for the link you provided, very helpful, I am now compelled to give it a real go!
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Thank you. I wasn't sure so I went with the general form of another contest entry.
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A good read but definitely needs some work on the requirements of a villanelle.
Might I suggest:
www.writing-world.com/poetry/villanelle.shtml
John
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