you look straight
right past me
for all the world not to see
nothing at all
which is the
everything in between
and what's left
Author notes
I've taken out and added what I thought would make this work better.
Andrew has a very good ear for poetry.
My thanks to him.
*.*.*.*
you look straight
right past me
for all the world not to see
nothing at all
which is the
everything between you
and what's left of me.
Written February 21st, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like it. The movement of that one word helps clean up the read a lot, especailly because now I know that you are talking about a person who seems straight. Good job. The enjambment is a great way to write this poem too because it leaves various possibilities open to the reader. I just wonder why you have reduced the 'me' in the poem to little more than a shard of what it used to be. Is it because the me is shattered by the disillusionment of the seemingly straight person?
John. -
If I am to be honest, there's ony one thing I would change with this peice; the final line. I'd drop "you and me". I can see how the "you and me" of that line could hold something essential to the piece, that this relationship is the centerpoint for what you are saying and where the emotion comes from. But I think that, through the first line (and use of 'you' there), you can get that point across without. And the flow of the peice would be far more pleasing this way. The ending would seem more of an ending- abrupt, cut short. It's fit the rest of your words. Hmm, just my take. I do like this, very much.
~Andrew -
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I was watching Hawking and there was this part wherein they talked about this classical piece and the professor noted that the music is cut short but you still hear it. I have deeper appreciation for your commment now. Thank you, Andrew
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I agree with Lazarus man, you should remove one of the two words in the first line...perhaps start the second line with right??? Anyhow, it is a nice little poem that has a huge message contained within.
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that was so sickly sad. i can highly relate. and you phrased it beautifully. good job and good luck.
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This is a very short and powerful piece. I think you did a great job with it. My one suggestion is that you think about taking out either 'straight' or 'right' and leave the other. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing your poem with us.
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hey, badge
thanks for the comment.
nice to see you around here again.
ass person, eh? lol
cheers, again. -
creative creative...
Can I say that I am not a liar and tell the whole world about my feelings for that ass person? Why not! This is six lines are very visible and passionately felt.
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