And the moon shall weep
As it bears silent witness
To the betrayal of human spirit
Occurring far below
And the moon shall weep
As the shallow desires
Of the heartless and vengeful
Create a society of anarchy
And the moon shall weep
As racism and retribution
Become a part of our
Everyday existence
And the moon shall weep
As the remnant population
Lays down their weapons and join
In a peaceable embrace
And the moon shall weep
For unity.
Author notes
My commentary on the current global state of affairs and my belief that we are all equal in the eyes of our creator and as such are all part of one global family. Let us all be respected and treated as equals.
Prompt 3: "Most people want to be the sun that brightens up your life, but I'd rather be the moon that shines down on you in your darkest hours."-Unknown
Written February 20th, 2006
Errant Panther
In a list
A contest entry
- Hungry for a real critique? by Danna Hobart.
700 points, ended April 11, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 150 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Moonlight by crivanea.
300 points, ended October 4, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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nice commentary...very true..like ur background..fits the poem perfectly..and a good take on the prompt..thnx for entering
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I love it...Repetition can be good and in this case it is beautiful...
"As the remnant population
Lays down their weapons and join
In a peaceable embrace
And the moon shall weep
For unity. "
ANother lovely poem to bless the eyes...sigh~
Lynda
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Thanks again for your heartening comments, it makes me feel as though we should write another collab soon.
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I like your first line. The moon is a subject all poets love to write about, which makes it increasingly hard to be original when doing so.
Your second line is a cliché. Clichés offer prefabricated phrasing that may be used without effort on your part. They are thus used at the expense of individuality. If you're depending on a stock phrase, you're letting someone else do half your thinking for you
Instead of telling me about the “betrayal of human spirit,” can you show it to me? For example:
The moon weeps
as she watches
children curse their parents
to run the streets in packs
like coyotes
I am sure you can do better than that, but it is just an example.
The same thing with the rest of your stanzas. They lack imagery, they tell, but as William Greenway, said “images can communicate the unsayable, so show don’t tell.” See if you can re-write each of them with images.
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mournful and thought provoking at the same time. would like to see you do a little more with the weeping moon image---draw that metaphor out some. well done, bro.
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amazing
YES! This is a great poem, and I would have to say one of your best! I love the presentation here, and just the all around great feeling. There are a lot of problems with today's society, and I think that if more children, especially teens, could try and make peace with each other then the world would be a better place.
Many say that if women ruled the world, it would be better. Not true. If women ruled the world there would be wars over which is the better brand of hairspray. We are just here to advise!
Great write, Uncle Panther! I have already read Satin and Grey, which is the first link you sent me, so now I'm gonna go look at the other 2!
Much love, as always,
Bubbles -
this is so sad.but I liked it!
blessings-
KRystal
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WONDERFUL POEM
This was a wonderful poem filled with emotion about the ills of society. Very heartfelt. You imagery paintedf a wonderful picture of what it should be like. Maybe someday, but I don't think in my lifetime. Thank you for sharing. I love the title. Take care, Sandy
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I appreciate your encouragement for this piece.
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953) wrote a poem "And Death Shall Have No Dominion" the repition of the word "and" at the start and end of each stanza worked well with the flow and context of that poem. I feel it works well in my piece also. -
Thank you ruby, I felt that this was a voice that needed to be heard.
Edited on Mar 21, 1:22 because 'typo oops'. -
I too love the repitition--very effective tool---has the effect of hitting like a repeated punch or the swingdowns of a hammer. Bam. Bam. Bam. Cant be ignored.
I also agree with your philosophy. -
Thank you all so very much for your support and critique, I tried to write this from the perspective an observer of the history of our world and all the conflict and degredation we have wrought apon this earth, and how they may react to all they have witnessed. I chose the moon as it is a close overseer and I truly wonder if it could express an opinion, what would it say?
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Beautiful piece. Love the repetition and truly enjoyed the subject matter as well. Truly a brilliant poem. Nice job.
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'And the moon shall weep'- I haved really liked the way you have repeated this line almost like a refrain at the begining of each stanza - I also like the way the moon weeps with different changing emotions-'and the moon shall weep for unity'-makes you almost weep with the moon - it is a beautiful brilliant write which I have enjoyed reading a whole bunch -gracias
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Why does it start with and? Very true message, beautifully written.
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the content of this piece is hopeful and a great vision i hope for as well. love the title!
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awesome, I loved it.
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interesting. nice job writing it. a good read.
blu
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