Baby bird falls
Pond... full of old-whiskered-carp
Bad-nest; fed fish
Author notes
Written February 18th, 2006
In a list
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Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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hi horus,
i didn't understand the haiku until i read poetclives comment but i think that it can survive(provided there is water). It lacks other necessities but only needs the water and to avoid the bait.
...Olivia
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We got some War of the Roses going on here. What a riot!
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i don't know what i find of more interest: the commentary in the comments, which all i read, or the haiku itself. it's more of a question to myself than you or anyone else -- why no question mark.
i like it. did you follow the rules? i think you did. if you felt it's fine the way it is what rule are you exactly breaking? none that i see.
so you're a bit honest in your opinion, so what. if they really didn't want your piece in the contest they could remove it themselves -- it's still here so it must have a chance of winning.
i don't know. -
bitch.
you gave me permission.
:^^ -
What exactly in your own words is the 'flow' of a haiku?
Pray tell... -
I wasn't being defensive. I was being serious. You are hardly a poet,
and or a more qualified writer than me. Therefore, your opinion sounds
comic. -
your poem ... has the message ... the levels ... layers
it just lacks delivery .... (dont stomp on me) ... you are an intelligent guy ... you know what haiku is ... keep the message and deliver it within the form ...
show how its done .... the last line is commentary ... take the bland and make it shine ! ... you are the poet ...you know how ...
Baby bird falls (great imagery)
Pond... full of old-whiskered-carp (carp can only be in a pond ?)
Bad-nest; fed fish (commentary and a follow on from first two lines)
the very basics of haiku (as i said take it a level up from the basics) state - there is a contrast between two different images, evocative and captures a moment.
baby bird falls
old-whiskered-carp feed
among torn clouds
(just playing) ... >>> GINA -
...you're ridiculous. Why are you so defensive? Relax a little. If you feel so strongly, go tell it to someone who gives a damn. If you post somethinhg on this website it WILL get critiqued. If this is the best you can do you're not a writer. Or rather you are one, just not a good one.
Have a great day,
sadsongstress -
There's no way you could "diss" my work. You are not qualified. I'm a writer, you're a hobbyist at best.
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Alright Horus. I see your point. It IS a haiku and yet it simply doesn't have the flow of one. IM NOT DISSING YOUR WORK!!!!!! so PLEASE don't flame me. haiku is simply about peace and serenity. This is jagged, and raw. It doesn't have the feel, which is what makes or breaks a poem. In this case it doesn't suit. Good try but keep writing.
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I think the title sets the symbolism perfectly.
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See, I knew someone would get it.
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Tragic, Stirring Sympathy
This poem is extroadinarily provocative.
I could probably take this poem at face, but I don't want to...
A find it interesting you chose the the animals of birds and fish. The baby bird I think represents someone young and with tremendous attention, to fly- learning to fly for the first time and failing... for a number of reasons- an unstable environment (like a nest that the young bird falls from if it breaks under its legs, and won't let the young chick push off- you say "bad-nest"), bad parenting (Like bird parents that poorly instruct their offspring).
The fish are the predators below. Swimming below the birds because they're way of life is corrupt and shady, and the dirt-obscured water provides a cloak to their activities.
And young people fall into the deadly water, are exploited,fall victim, and don't survive.
And the most saddening aspect is that such tragedies are preventable. -
Call me a bitch, but there is nothing wrong with this poem.
Edited on Feb 18, 9:47 p.m. because ''. -
Think the best part of this page, beside the haiku, or more accurately senryu, if it deals with society, which I enjoyed reading, and is really quite witty, is the bantering back and forth. This is great entertianment on a Saturday evening when I'm down and out with the cold/flu/cough - all together, and no chicken soup. This comes a close second to help me getting rid of my ailments! LOL
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Still the same Horus , God of everything.
I like the imagery in this , All jokes aside.
Especially the last line of the haiku , Good use
of imagery throughout , Nonetheless.
Didn't you fucking apply for " the elitists workshop "?
I can't remember shit anymore. We'll add new people
soon and if you are still interested in taking part ,
We can still add you at a later date?
Anyways , Nice work.
- James
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Yes Myron, I know. Now kindly get the hell off my poem.
Edited on Feb 18, 9:24 p.m. because ''. -
Look at this, now I even have morons like myron spouting their gibberish. What an omen. Well at least I get the whole crowd involved if nothing else.
I guess we all failed to notice this is a contest, not a classroom.
I believe I read the contests rules, and did my best. Now, if all morons would
kindly get the frack off my page? I will spare you your sanity.
So tell me where in the contest rules does it say
Authors are subject to shitty classroom critiques of a sound
haiku. I stand by my haiku, and so will a lot of others.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's quite pretty
in fact, although it leans into the Senryu area a bit.
There's no Senryu option in the add poem selection.
Edited on Feb 18, 10:00 p.m. because ''. -
yes, you're right - 15.
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Only one problem Myron? We'd give a crap if you could count.
Try 15, but you know? You're right! I bet I'm everything
you think I'm not.
Edited on Feb 18, 9:23 p.m. because ''. -
hi horus - thank you for entering this 17 syllable piece of commentary into our haiku contest.
Baby bird falls
Pond... full of old-whiskered-carp
Bad nest; fed fish.
this is a perfect example of the kind of badly written haiku that the instructions for the contest warned the poet not to write. it looks as if the instructions were not read.
i think it's also bad form to attack the judge who tries to bring this to the attention of the poet.
it is not obvious from this example that the poet knows very much about the art, craft or spirit of the kind of haiku we were looking for - for this workshop contest... it is called a workshop contest, which means that if the poet does not follow the guidelines set out, there is opportunity to revise the poem or withdraw it.
i hope i have not been too harsh, but your responses to Gen here, have angered me.
myron.
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I'm not the master of anything other than prefering not to call others "master".
You're funny, you know? Your attempt to come off as some buhdist spiritualist
all versed in the art of haiku, and the non sequitur? Is only barely out-done
by the fact that in real life? Shit just aint like that. And you can hippy meditate until your parent's cash cow feeds you and all your moon babies in the glorius hum of
a perfect haiku, but guess what? Your generation failed miserably. meditate on that. And, you're doing and saying nothing new, and worse yet, you look funnier doing it than the real Rumis out there. A bunch of creamy rich caucauzoids turning all 'eastern philosophical' and 'new-age' in order to come across as what? the enlightened age of aquarius trust fund brat-dead head rainbow gathering terrance mckenna groupy quoters of zen masters? The haiku fortune cookie of karmic lotus flower eutopians! Please, I'm embarassed for you. Go feed the poor and spare me the oohms of your mother earth bullshit, and put your money where your tantric sex chakras are. Who do you think you're fooling? I'm so sick of this 50 year old crowd of post hippy airport beggers, hopping a bus out of philly to sit at some dhali spankmas lap coming up to me selling your proper haiku crap. It's damn near comedy.
Edited on Feb 18, 9:06 p.m. because ''. -
Still the master of the non sequitur I see
Ad hominem presumptions and judgements are really not necessary or constructive.
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You sound like a fan of Islam in the area of haiku, how pleasantly polite.
There is nothing wrong with my haiku; your notes are vague and merely weaken the message. And darling I'm not arguing, and I don't have to walk around with a stupid smile on my face pretending I've cornered the market on haiku, when all you've done
is locked your brain in a rigid illusion of zen crap.
Edited on Feb 18, 8:33 p.m. because ''. -
That's fine, Jeremi, you can write socio-political commentary in all kinds of poetry. But if you pick a form to do it in, it needs to conform to the discipline of that form
Haiku are extremely difficult to convey a deeper meaning related to human nature from a scene in nature, but it can be done. Your reference to learning the rules before tossing them is very true.
The master haijin, Basho, said exactly that about the rules of haiku. However, the operative words are to learn the rules first.
As an example of social commentary in classic haiku, there's this one (referring to different schools of haiku arguing about rules and form):
On how to sing
the frog school and the skylark school
are arguing
~ Masaoka Shiki
~Gen
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Dear Maatkara;
All jive aside, I think your punctual tightness, and fundamental notes are fine.
Naturally, since I'm educated, I already know what you've implied, but have chosen
another route. Here's why:
My haiku is about family structure on a social whole, not about fish and birds. Your correction(s) of my haiku make it merely about nature and TWO DIMENSIONAL CRAP. Where as by leaving: the capital in "Pond" [Pond represents a bigger notion of society left capatilized], and the "bad nest" [ which shows not only poor location choice by nieve parents, but also the foreshadowing of children gone south], and the 'fed fish' [Implying a fat prison system and the judicial kakistocracy feeding on accident prone juvenile delinquants] I'm making a bigger more imaginative statement on a whole sanning the trite scholastic mind into an entirely different realm. The realm of learning the rules in order to succesfully toss them out, try it sometime when and if you don't have your nose buried in Strunk and White, or Aristotle whilst performing some yoga move over feeding hummingbirds in some zen garden on Uranus. Save your notes for kids suckling on the teets of Walden Pond fodder. I am a beast of humor and insight, and I hate being corrected when the correction veers the intention of my work, because the reader was too trained to get it.
Not to sound bold, but I can assure you I know what in the cluck a haiku is and how to properly write one thanks. And I pretty much think I've earned the right as a published author of said poetry to unwrite a haiku if I so feel it. I don't recall reading any rule about clinging to the aestetics of japanese traditional blee blah anywhere. I'm sick of knit picking hens, they bore the piss out of me. Go correct some idiotic teen carving asshat into his penis with a woodburner, because there is nothing you can teach me about the written word. And I'll bet every blue peter badge of courage I've ever pawned on that.
Edited on Feb 18, 8:24 p.m. because ''. -
Well, it is brillant. I loved it as a response, whether for the purpose of learning, or for simple pleasure, or for Haiku talk. I thought it was ingenius. Forgive me I am in San Luis Obispo tonight and everything moves SLO here. I am just waking up after watching the surfers all afternoon and reading on the beach. I just enjoyed the poems - both of the them - and I am not adept at writing Haiku's. Perhaps when I am ready to really sink my joy into that experience I will look you up.
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I'm a co-judge on this, Zayra, it is a workshop contest for those who want to learn the form
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Birds and ponds, whether frozen or not, seem to be in the collective consciousness of Haiku land. Bravo. The tiny chick one works as a response too, so hopefully she will post it.
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Meaning? Are you interested in writing haiku, Jeremi, or do you just want to piss around?
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Thanks Gen. I'll put that right up on the fridge with the other ones.
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Hi horus
Baby bird falls in
Pond... Full of old whiskered carp
Bad nest; fed fish.
You have some great images to work with here. All it needs is some trimming to get the wording concise, and present an image in the last line to suggest what happens, rather than a conclusionary opinion.
Capitals (with the exception of proper nouns) and punctuation are not used in haiku. The only one needed is for a pause at the end of the first or second line (e.g. a dash, colon or semicolon).
Something like:
tiny chick
falls in the fish pond -
old carp feasts
~Gen
Edited on Feb 18, 7:26 p.m. because 'correction'.
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