Why did you come before the morning stars
Had set, and lie down quietly at my side?
The early sun flashed jangling scimitars
Of light, cold morning trickled down the scaurs,
And dreams ebbed out in a relentless tide...
Why did you come before the morning stars?
I could forget, I dreamed, the wild guitars,
The long nights' dancing, till, in golden pride
The early sun flashed jangling scimitars.
The coloured days and nights were triumph-cars
Of glory - till the day all glory died...
Why did you come before the morning stars
Into my dreams, where still a last flame chars
The heart? Caught in your living fire, I sighed...
The early sun flashed jangling scimitars
Of light... and you were gone!... And all the scars
Of half-remembered love sang shrill, and cried:
"Why did you come?" Before the morning stars
The early sun flashed jangling scimitars...
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A contest entry
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very nice flow and rythym and very nice emotion into it. Well done! Good luck in the contest!
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this was a really powerful write..your words were really powerful and emotional and flowed really well keep writting your talented
~Chrissy~ -
Yes, Victory Gin is correct. This is a great villanelle. (I still have reservations about "scaurs", but not enough to interfere with enjoying the read. Good job. I do use words occasionally that are out of the ordinary, but never at the end of a sentence (if I can help it, you might find one if you look through my stuff long enough, but I doubt more than one.) That means you are very daring, or so totally sure of yourself that such things don't even come close to bothering you. That alone is a gift.
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This form is difficult for me and, though I have attempted it several times, I have never managed what I would consider a good Villanelle. So, when I read one that I find as enjoyable and smooth as this I take the time to appreciate what went into sculpting the structure, refrains and meter as well as the content and images. I applaud this skillfully done Villanelle. It provided a wonderful reading experience on all accounts.
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aye i have read this before i think when logged out though, though i have noticed you have the same posted a few times so maybe in one of those i am not sure now. i recall the word scaurs - in my dictionary it says 'archaic spelling of scar'. a good villanelle.
Edited on Mar 10, 6:40 because ''. -
It seems you are correct, as the dictionary does list it, as a variation on scar as well as a bluff or hill. Mea culpa since I didn't look first.
I do occasionally use words that aren't in common use, but I'm very careful about it. However, you have to make the final call on things like that in your own poems. -
Thank for for your commendation...
But "scaur" (= high bare steep slope of cliff, hill or mountain, particularly in the north of England) is the correct spelling.... Perhaps your dictionary/spell-checker does not know this word. But at least one member of Allpoetry (Myron in Australia) found it in his dictionary, and was delighted to have acquired a new word...
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Perhaps you might like to correct the typo here:
Of light, cold morning trickled down the scaurs, (scars)
and I like the word-invention you've done with triumph-cars. It's almost Lewis Carrollish that way. All in all, this is a good poem.
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