No love no sun
We fight
For fun
Blue screen
I scream
We fight
In my dreams
Unmet need
Wrong deed
We fight
His seed
Her mistake
My heartache
We fight
Life at stake
Tears fall
No one calls
We fight
Stand tall
My right
Blind sight
We fight
We fight
I fight, at it all.
Author notes
Written February 15th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Very concrete, poignant like a cut that bleeds. Loved it!
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Wow, thank you very much for such a thoughtful response to my poem. It is a marriage, but it's my own, and along with my relationship with my parents and my family, this write kind of gathers up all of the hateful things in my life. I was distraught while writing and it came pouring out within a minute or so. I feel it is not well organized, and need to say it does not have a focus and the central theme is only sadness and dispair.
Thanks again for your thoughts. -
move over eminem--this is so cute--i like to rap and i had this going there. great job. viyanna
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As I read this, my mind is fitting it into something like bars of music with a 2/4 signature. Even the lines with three syllables seem to fit it, like (what's the musical term?) triplets. There's a steady, almost mechanical thump to the poem. Very effective.
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Strong, compelling
What I like mOst about this poem is the succinct wording.
I gather that this piece concerns conflict between the narrator and their parents. And so adeptly does this convey the torment suffered by the former- the idea that they are not appreciated, or that the family can't seem to just glue when in dire straits, financial or whatever else. But particularly financially, when a child has nothing to contribute, except the love they dearly want to express but doesn't seem to elicit much gratitude from the recipients.
I remember conflicts between my parents as I sat crosslegged, huddled outside their room, sulking, storming in at what I thought was the opportune moment to shout at them, "Shut up you two! Get along!"
I thought I was being noble. But I think conveyed deep in the lines of this poem is the notion that a family is more resilient than it seems, always. It captures the sentiment at the moment, when one feels so helpless, but I look beyond that, to a resolution later in the future, contained in unwritten stanzas...
Well done! -
'Staccato' is a good description, short, hard hitting, emotion filled lines full of impact and subject to interpretation.
It is but a matter of perspective, a cloudy day can dampen spirits, but an inner drive, a direction and a focus can put a silver lining on the darkest day.
Not easy...but possible...
nice write...
love....dad...
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i like this. the short lines add to it. there's a beat.. kinda staccato like from how i was reading it. great job!
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thank you, rough times bring out straightforward thoughts-
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interesting the way you have made such short lines and still convey your message very well. I like it.
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1 - 9 of 9
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