It begins in death
The little death
The woman's death that floods my senses
Blacks my mind, and drowns my body.
I float through death
Relishing the darkness
The absence of feeling
Awaiting the time when life begins again
When misty wisps of awareness penetrate the darkness.
A heavy fog blurs the senses
Leaving only the vaguest sense
Swimming to the surface
Like being born
Reentering the world, light-blind and shaking.
I wake to find myself protected
Demon prince, sovereign love,
You lead me from that fog which you yourself immured me
Having humbled my body and soul to your will,
You anchor me to earth, and leave me safe to fly.
Author notes
Another for my love, the love of my life. Thank you for all that you are.
Written February 14th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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Yuna,
Thank you so much for your input.. I really appriciate it. I think I'll leave the Death, because it is a euphamism for orgasm. The little death was used quite a bit by shakespeare and the like.. BUT I completely agree with you about the second darkness. hehe.. now I'm gonna have to find something elese to put there.
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very nice. good poem. i love the lines:
I float through death
Relishing the darkness
The absence of feeling
Awaiting the time when life begins again
When misty wisps of awareness penetrate the darkness.
A heavy fog blurs the senses
Leaving only the vaguest sense
Swimming to the surface
Like being born
Reentering the world, light-blind and shaking.
really good lines. nice imagery
good write
jess -
In the first paragraph you have used the word 'death' 3 times, i think the first two fit BUT the third time you use it takes away from the impact of the word.
Paragraph two you have used the word 'death' again which now only sounds empty, also the word 'darkness' is used twice which maks it less impacting.
The last paragraph is good although i would suggest changing the end line to
"and leave me FREE to fly" I dont know why but it sounds better to me.
If this is a form poem and is supposed to be like this then please ignore all i have just said, if not i hope that my critique can help.
There is a website which i use ALOT when writting my poems it gives you rhymes, synonyms, homophones and ALOT of other things the website is
www.rhymezone.com
Hope this helps and good luck with your writting
xxx -
Very different piece you have.....almost like a dark love. Kinda on the edge if that makes any sense.
I float through death
Relishing the darkness
The absence of feeling
Awaiting the time when life begins again
When misty wisps of awareness penetrate the darkness.
I love this stanza.....misty wisps of awareness. Excellent!! -
This poem was very good lathough it felt more like a dark write as opposed to a love poem.
I have a few suggestions to make (in depth critiuques) but i will ask before i post them as some people get edgy and insult me for offering my honest opinion. -
Death in Dreams
There is a dreamlike quality to this Poem as Death releases you to live again.Yet Death is a frien d stayed with you till an end was reached a certain conclusion,release of love delicate fusion. Imagery is dark but with a spark that ignites the flame of life.there is also a lyrical beat which makes this a unique Poem.Elizabeth. -
in the moments of silence
before she sleeps
her thoughts are fixed on you,
and in her morning coffee cup
your vision lingers too...
time passes much too slow
when you're apart,
and she gets to feeling low
down in her heart,
and she realizes
how much she cares,
because she'd give her all
to have you there........
in the moments of silence
before she sleeps,
holding you warm and near,
and sweetening her coffee cup
with gentle words of cheer.
your poem reminded me of this song I wrote long ago and then reworded to fit you and your love just now.~~~Artis -
Such wonderful imagery...a total out of body experience....brought about by love and passion....you have woven a mystery and wonderment into the words....an excellent depiction of the little death.......
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Wonderful poem, beautifully written. Well done
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This was a great poem . . . the only thing I would change is . . . make the first stanza have the same number of lines as the rest . . . it's off by one and that kidna throws off the flow of the piece.
Over all . . . this was a realli good write . . . keep penning and keep sharing!
Happi Valentine's Day!!
~~Maggie
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