(Original)
(We shared a cup of coffee
over the demise of our relationship
in an orange vinyl cafe)
As we drank to the bottom of the cup
I came to realize-
I am the bitter mouthful left behind
and you, you are the grinds
Author notes
I would be sated with a knowledgeable critique of the non-backpatting variety.
Please and Thank You
Written February 11th, 2006
A contest entry
- The Coffee Anthology (Contest) by ea.
500 points, ended June 16, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I liked it.
You want me to critique your work? i don't know that I'm knowledgeable enough to do that. I only know what appeals to me. We each have our own unique style. Has anyone ever heard of poetic license? Keep the parenthesis and keep doing it your way. Some people just like to nit pick without saying anything useful.
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The contest notes strongly suggest: "I want you to include some coffee story or mention of your favorite coffee joint (hole-in-the-wall) to spice the bio section up. Maybe mention where you do readings? In fact *you should put your story in your author's notes* NOW to boost your chances of having your poem included. Because I want really interesting author bios!"
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Jolly Rogerific
I like the first version. It draws me in and makes me feel for the characters, and all done with in Three predicates. Masterful work. In contrast the second version of the poem seems more distant, or vaguer if you will, I think that takes away from the full force of your ideas. Like an earlier poster said it captures the moment in time almost magically.
- Captain Des Spearow -
I think I like the second one better. Both have a great picture, but the flow and in the second one gives it a better impact. Great writing.
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Thank you guys with all my sincerity for your comments.
Grrrrr....tightening up this ending is melting my brain... My child, why must you be so difficult sometimes?
Edited on Feb 17, 9:53 p.m. because 'cause I say so'. -
you have here something short, to the point, fits nice in a small package... content is whats important... well crafted work... the first three lines look to be of less importance (the ones in these things)... I have to question your packaging there... its like getting extra information about something you haven't been informed about yet... I guess all the info is there but the (this word)s must be questioned...
i wish i could spell that word
Doug
(parenthasies) i just don't know -
I have to say that this is a good poem. I actually can't see any reason to change the ending.
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I understand the reason behind the mouthful/grinds- that what I thought was a little easy. It's an obvious analogy w. the name of the the piece.
Cool though- if I can think of any suggestions, I'll let you know.
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Thank you for your comments and suggestions. The closest I can come to explaining why I put the first bit in parenthesis is that (for me) it is like peeking in a window on the scene before entering.
The reason behind the last mouthful/grinds bit was that the relationship was the coffee- the water and the grinds, water representing the feminine/emotional aspect, brewed by the grinds, and after being drained, what is left? The grinds are gritty, abrasive, and to be thrown away.
I will keep this open as a work in progress, should I find a way to refine and sharpen the ending as per your suggestion.
Thank you again. -
I'm interested in knowing why you have the first set of lines in parenthesis. For me, it doesn't really do anything for the poem. The first 3 lines paint an awesome picture and set a nice tone for the piece. Unfortunately, the last four let me down as a reader. I understand completely what is being said, but the end is too easy. Is there some other way you can capture the moment of realization without directly referring to 'grinds' and 'bitter mouthful'? Maybe "I am the bittersweet of a latte left out..." well, that sucks, but hopefully you see what I mean with that.
I think this has promise, just needs to be tightened up at the end. -
Hahaha, how funny. I hit the return the favor button and it brought me back to this one. I still like it as much as I did the first time
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You're adorable. Love the name. "Mopey" works for me
Thank you for commenting. -
But, but, what if I can't find anything I don't like about it
. Of course, I am no expert, but I love this piece. I could see it being part of something bigger, but it is great as stand alone too. This has a bit of attitude which keeps it from being mopey. I have no clue how to spell mopey.
Even though it is just a moment in time sort of piece, it has a message that is often our better evaluation of break ups. It is a realistic, but optomistic statement, if that makes sense
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