He just had to write to tell you how much he love you
When I just had to smile to tell you how much I loathe you
He saw walking with your friends
And I just go laughing with my friends
He hope that soon you want him to walk with you
But I prayed that I will be soon get over with you
I painted you as a sunset of nightmare to close my day
But he whispered a cool breeze of laughter to refresh your day
He waited so long - you never came -he just keep on loving you
I never called - you come over - I just keep on ignoring you
And as we fall asleep last night
He had made tears in the moonlight
He wanted so much to touch you
But I don't even think of you
The next day he exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you
But I woke up late,rushed off and I even didn't notice how lovely are you
When my sky became cloudy and my tears become like rain
You still whispers your love in my life even I've give you pain
He composes love songs like the birds that sing for you
Yet I shout like a thunderstorm of hate for you
Until one day you came to him to warm and comfort you
And he cloth you with love that made sun shines to brighten you
You made love with him that fulfills the greater need of you heart
Until I had realized how empty I am without you in my life.
Author notes
Please be critical enough to discover my subject.
Written February 10th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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The effort outweighs the errors
Writing and poetry are self expression and one has no need to keep apologising for ones way of expressing oneself. I find your style delightful. Your message strong and easy to understand. You may not be too good with spelling and punctuation. , but what the Heck. I don't care and that's your own sweet style. So be proud and do not apologise. OK? Well done this was great.
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Thank you so much...
...I'm so very grateful!
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This is a really wonderful poem. I really loved it because you were able to portray such excellent feelings in this. Great write!
Take Care,
x PatientGrace x
Jasmine
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Thank for the applause and capturing my thougths...only few people really understands my works,I'm so poor on grammar and in words.Thank you so much!
Ever grateful,
Alfred -
This is a really wonderful poem. I really understood the feeling and sentiment you were trying to get across.
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Thank you so much for reading my write...I really appreciate such Beautiful Comment...I'm just a kind of amateur trying to write from my heart and doesn't master the feild of poetry but I think...things is life worth a try even your soo poor about such things...Thank you.
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Thank you so much for evaulating my write, I know that It was not great enough ...but it is a reality of my own experience and I write straigth from my emotion...it just flow...I don't even care for the grammar...maybe i just carried away but it is not a ghost story but a sense of acceptance with the regret and speculation of my mind...Not a creative thougth but of an anxiety that feels within and the loneliness that I experience in and out of this empty soul of mine.
Thank you so much!
Ever grateful,
alfred -
it was slightly confusing considering the grammar is kinda all over the place, but it seems as if you wrote this from the heart so good write, i enjoyed it tremendously!!!
jinkx
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Well if ever you want my opinion just ask. I really apprieciate the fact that you value my opinion and took my critisism with the positive intent with which it was written.
Good luck in all your writing!
I see great potential in you!
Keep writing! -
This held my interest throughout, and left me wanting more. So many possibilities for the reader to ponder. Is it the original girl but a ghost? Is it the original girl that never actually died and they have been reunited after all these years? Is his dream state really reality, and reality really a dream? Great write!
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Thanks...I really need to edit this...I'm just an amateur one without nothing to do in life...But I guess I can redeem myself...Again.
Thanks. it is really a great help..Hope you'll be criticizing my poem always...I'm just gone crazy over with my thoughts and reality.
Ever grateful
Alfred -
well done
Firstly... great write! Now the critical bit!
there were a few bits that really bugged me, just a few problems with tense and spelling.
Not conviced on the rhythm of some stanza either.
He just had to write to tell you how much he love you
When I just had to smile to tell you how much I loathe you
*loved this opening stanza, love and hate are different sides of the same blade*
He saw (you?) walking with your friends
And I just go laughing with my friends (this seems clumsy?)
He hope that soon you want him to walk with you
But I prayed that I will soon get over you (remove be) (remove with)
I painted you as a sunset of nightmare to close my day
But he whispered a cool breeze of laughter to refresh your day
He waited so long - you never came - he just keep on loving you
I never call - you come over - I just keep on ignoring you (called past tense remove -ed as rest of line is in present)
And as we fall asleep last night (fell asleep - past tense)
He had made tears in the moonlight (made tears vs cried tears?)
He wanted so much to touch you
But I don't even think of you
*love this stanza!*
The next day he exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you *excellent imagery!*
But I woke up late, rushed off and I even didn't notice how lovely are you (I don't think forcing a rhyme really works as it seems to be more free verse. I don't like the repitition on "you" all the time. except it does give an interesting contrast between both lovers point of view, i'm just not sold on the idea. i think "how lovely you are" would work better)
When my sky became cloudy and my tears become like rain (rather come like rain rather that become???)
You still whispers your love in my life even I've give you pain
(this whole line is clumsy though the imagery is beautiful. you still whisper the love in my life, even though i give you pain... my suggestion)
He composes love songs like the birds that sing for you
Yet I shout like a thunderstorm of hate for you
*LOVE this verse! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!*
Until one day you came to him to warm and comfort you
And he cloth you with love that made sun shines to brighten you (clothed you with love?)
You made love with him that fulfills the greater need of you heart(tense problem here too... made love + fulfills should be either "makes love + fulfills" or "made love + fulfilled")
Until I had realized how empty I am without you in my life.
(not sure why you put "Until i realised" the whole way through the poem you have been in the present tense and he was in past. I think "I realize how empty i am without you in my life" works better unless you want to showhow you are now part of the past by using past tense?)
Well done beautifully written. I enjoyed reading it and as you can see gave this poem lots of thought! You captured me completely!
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Oh...I'm a little bit sorry but try to read it again...You will be enlightened.About the subject...read my reply on Looking4ligth.Thanks for the critic.
Ever grateful,
Alfred -
this confused me a bit. you mixed up your time frames quite a bit and so i had trouble following it. i got it though when i realized where my confusion was.
I never called - you come over - I just keep on ignoring you
in that sentence is an example of the time period confusion. viyanna r langager -
Thanks...but I can't understand you message...anyway - I'm grateful for the Comment.Thanks...for being Kind.
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Thank you my friend...But I'm not a globe...a smart...and Pldt ...I'm a person with a gift of Correspondence...Bakla!
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GOOG POET
Really very good without a sense of humur...I can't get your [point....
Are you inlove withsomeone elese...oh....
but i love this friend very great...simply amazing...
It won't let you down...
Your making great things possible.....
I like in this stanzas:
He just had to write to tell you how much he love you
When I just had to smile to tell you how much I loathe you
He saw walking with your friends
And I just go laughing with my friends
He hope that soon you want him to walk with you
But I prayed that I will be soon get over with you
I painted you as a sunset of nightmare to close my day
But he whispered a cool breeze of laughter to refresh your day
He waited so long - you never came -he just keep on loving you
I never called - you come over - I just keep on ignoring you
And as we fall asleep last night
He had made tears in the moonlight
He wanted so much to touch you
But I don't even think of you
The next day he exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you
But I woke up late,rushed off and I even didn't notice how lovely are you
When my sky became cloudy and my tears become like rain
You still whispers your love in my life even I've give you pain
He composes love songs like the birds that sing for you
Yet I shout like a thunderstorm of hate for you
Until one day you came to him to warm and comfort you
And he cloth you with love that made sun shines to brighten you
You made love with him that fulfills the greater need of you heart
Until I had realized how empty I am without you in my life.
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;ove this one power words true feelings u always enjoy a love poem
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Oh,Thank you so much.I'm so sorry but I'm not good on Grammar.And yes I'm talking with someone in love with me and the love of God for her Until she chooses God and left me in misery but with hope.
Ever grateful,
Alfred -
Wow, i really enjoyed this. Absolutely beautiful. The imagery is excellent.. and i dont know if i'm right or not, but i felt like you were talking about someone who was in love with you, but also turning away from the god that loves so much more. Then again, that was just my impression god's on my mind tonight, i guess thanks for an awesome write.. that was really amazing. some of the gramatical mistakes disrupted the flow, but otherwise, i loved it. thank you so much for sharing!
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Yeah...to be really Critical...You captured my subject - It's about my love one who become a nun...That line that states :"You made love with him..." is a response of her for the calling...Thanks.I really appreciated your comment...but...I'm the I and He Is the God.
Evergrateful,
Alfred -
it brought chills all over my skin...
Thank you for sharing this with us, you express your thought very well, your emotions.
Yet, there are a few gromatical misrakes that make this good piece a little challenging to read. -
Have I been critical enough to see that your love has turned or gone to God? At least that is what I read into your poem.. I might be wrong, but it does make a great poem that way, doesn't it? Well written with great imagery
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Thank you so much JIM
you so kind to return a favor.
Yeah...life is so Ironic but I'm still ever grateful when it comes to its miseries and of course rejioces in its joys.Thank you.
You're the Man!
You're great!
You're the best because you know you can do your best.
ever grateful,
Alfred
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Excellent. The person who hurt me the most in life is now mother of two children to a person I would not wish on my worst enemy... life can sure be ironic. Good job expressing yourself. ~Jim
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