endless circles
drawn with lines;
lines of letters
lines of prose
lines of tracks
and trains
ice-cream and innocence;
and shattered remains
sun-kissed faces
withered by age,
the actors all dreading
their call to the stage,
living for death
and minimum wage
picture: old lion
roaring with rage,
impotent and senile
trapped in a cage,
how does this end
why, just turn the page
change of genre
change of scene
desensitised
by the obscene,
run away
find the serene
scrub your hands
believe you're clean
you should look
with crystal eyes,
below the surface,
behind the lies
and beyond the invisible
or at least the disguise
because only then
can you do the impossible;
connect the circles
and ride the trains
Author notes
Written February 10th, 2006
This poem was written because I was sick of reading nothing but trite, cliched poetry (and stories etc)... I was calling for people to look beyond the obvious and create new masterpieces.
A contest entry
- 19 to 25 enter your best prewrites Judged by RedwingSpirit.
850 points, ended January 17, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not satisfied with an honorable mention? by SilverInk.
600 points, ended February 21, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the Best! by abba12.
600 points, ended March 6, 2008, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I read in this... carnivals. The people who work there, the roles that they play and the desensitization of watching them fade away
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Funny thing is, cliches are subjective. No one is going to stop writing about what they know, and most people don't know a whole lot. Which leads to overused words, phrases, images, ideas, that everyone finds 'beautiful'.
I think this poem is lacking imagery and a better vocabulary. There's a rhyme scheme, somewhat but it's loosely utilized which leads to it standing out a bit harshly.
The metaphor was okay, and the idea behind it was good.
Maybe a stranger opening verse would draw the reader in more.
I really liked these lines:
"Ice-cream and innocence
And shattered remains
Sun-kissed faces
Withered by age"
They're full of imagery and structure.
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Oh I love this, I truly do! The rhyming is perfect. Absolutely none of it seems forced whatsoever. And I really loved the line on minimum wage, haha made me laugh. But in all seriousness, this is quite a feat when it comes to rhyme and I have to appreciate that. And I read your notes, and completely agree. Cliched poetry is so out (although I must admit i'm sometimes guilty of it). Good job, and good luck!
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Great work this write was pretty amazing. I liked the shifts and the unique way of expression. Very good. Thanks for entering.
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Awesome write Love the different imagery in each stanza very well put together.
Thank you for entering my contest I wish you the best of luck.
RedwingSpirit
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Comment by Judge
You’ve got a ton of images here. I like it because I can see it. Well done.
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:D
This is my favorite of yours that I've read so far.I love the ending and the rythm you used. -
I really like this, I can't explain, it is really different from the other poetry. I like how you put different things to mean the same thing. I really like this poem. This is one of my favorites. It reminds me of when I talk to myself in my head, because that is the kind of voice it talks in. Lol. ^^
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Wow. This is quite interesting. I like it. It has layers.
Dang it. Now I got the shrek song stuck in my head. That's what I get for quoting a movie.
Good piece you have here.
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This is art.
'Lines of tracks
And trains' - This reminded me of drugs.
'The actors all dreading
Their call to the stage
Living for death
(and minimum wage)'
(Could I suggest 'on minimum wage')?
'Picture: old lion'
Your imagery is amazing. Reading this poem was like watching a film in my mind... you know those cartoon books you flick fast.. and it looks like it's moving. That's what this poem was like to me.
'Scrub your hands
(believe you're clean)' - I noticed you have a contest running also 'Obsession', I think it's called... Do they relate to the same thing??
'Connect the circles
And ride the trains' - This reminds me of someone with autism...
Beautiful.
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41 lines I stayed with a long time
Polaja (Pol is as good as son of aja?),
"Trains" turns my mouth into a barometer, responding to the steaming ahead.
Most of your stanzas came across as chants.
Your opening is like pupeteering a doodle into an idea, where instructive foundations keep creativity from being crass but out of the hands of thick penciled ones :
"Endless circles
Drawn with lines
Lines of letters"
since here I can imagine the schooled kindergartner doing oooo ||| until there are @@@.
From there you mop it with a homophone for graduation to full page not line letters so then "prose." This had a sweet patchy progress that now gets poked until
"Lines of tracks
And trains"
all aboard after what might have been boringly lapping all the overlapping waiting but the writing can make a ticket maybe to the thought of ket.
The second came as a snack that proved a need for supervision at recess. In the recesses of my mind I could see "ice-cream and innocence" have a tumbling on the asphault with no shock absorbers for the sight to be securely taken. But it became "shattered remains" and the cones of the eyes spill probably too at seeing in color a dream fall... which can stay felled when flunking of nutrition on typical streets anyway.
The job time seems to emanate on those that were playing lightly touched by sunshine as that either got to be a task that can stress the cancered look has been shuffled to to an eternal inside demand that makes "withered with age" as well. And so :
"The actors all dreading
Their call to the stage"
once so desirable, and then Monday isn't phased with happiness when caught in a rut that hardly feels like the routine to be on but
"Living for death
(at minimum wage)"
and aims can change for the federal flow in Romans 6:23 because "For the wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord" as there aren't closes for listeners to a ease not easy.
The photoing opportunity of an "old lion" without model glory would be the zoo anology of thespians humans want of everything of being in the pictures & it isn't always reality, and the conclusion to be checked with :
"(why, just turn the page)"
which is another homophone flashcard of either a paginating a story unknown, or getting a new pedagogue and one factual on life will watch as Isaiah 11:6-9, "And the wolf will actually reside for a while with the male lamb, and with the kid the leopard itself will lie down, and the calf and the maned young lion and the well-fed animal all together; and a mere little boy will be leader over them," but now it's endurable.
The whole drawed out imagery of your piece then has degeneration of the plain or change of gender in an obsessed with trials and errors on whether it can ever be "clean," like we need to be drawn yet.
The next section abstractly seemed like author's notes to ask us to check all of our roles as whether there's "disguise" of design.
I don't know if I put on the same thinking cap as you to find the engineer's but perhaps we could both have a view and learn derailment or "Trains" as this intensely looks for rails.
It makes me consider how things are regular. -
I liked these lines here...
Ice-cream and innocence
And shattered remains
Sun-kissed faces
Withered by age
The actors all dreading
Their call to the stage
Living for death
(and minimum wage)
very good.. very emotive following through a minimalistic form yet right on point... well done
Jamila -
deep
Wow, what a wonderful and unique poem. The flow of this piece is great ! It has such a wonderful message in it
Kamala -
a BEAUTIFUL POEM ULTIMATELY LEADING ONE IN THE PATH OF FACTS. ONE MUST SEE TO BELIVE AND CONTINUE JOURNEY. THANKS FOR SHARING THIS PIOECE.CONTINUE TO WRITE FACTUAL THINGS.BEST WISHES
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This flowed amazingly well, especially the sixth stanza - incidentally my favourite. I think the wording used was wonderful - the last stanza especially, with an uplifting spirit throughout. Nice. x
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sweet stuff
I love the last bit how it ties in with the whole poem in such a classic way. Great job. The whole poem is very meaningful -
I love the rhyming! And I really like the second to last stanza. I'm not sure what the lion means, but it seems that you're calling out to many different sides of a person; the youth and age and how an outlook on life can change. Wonderful!
Thanks for commenting on my poems by the way
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This is an amazing poem, Pol (one of your best, actually). Very fluid lines of thought, precise wording, direct targetting with meaning, and very powerful in all. I loved the imagery
LLLSHJ,
Y. -
I'm rather amused by it - well-written, to be sure. After reading through a second time, I think I figured out what you are talking about (my mind leapt to a similar yet different conclusion the first time through).
I enjoyed the read. -
terrific
This is fantastic.. I really enjoyed it...
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