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When I See You.

When I look at you,
I see delicate bubbles
dancing and gliding
on a soft, gentle breeze
when I, myself, am a child
playing in the warm gentle sun.

When I look at you,
I see sweet smelling flowers
painting the countryside
with a rainbow of imagination
when I, myself, am a butterfly
gently tasting and touching
each and every one.

When I look at you,
I see soft clouds
sailing slowly away
across the vast, open sky
when I, myself, am a dreamer.



Author notes

Written November 25th, 2001

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Tali28
    June 16, 2007
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    Great write I like the style and the imagery the read gets. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest. Take care.
    Tali


  • Tali28
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks

    Thanks for your entry. I will return after the contest ends to comment further.
    Tali

  • Nicole Hanna
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first two lines were nice openers, but then you kinda go into this place of telling without strong enough imagery or narrative to make it work. The "myself" doesn't work very well in the first stanza, when the "I" sums that up fairly well. The sun, also, is usually described as "warm and gentle" so, those aren't really great descriptive words to incorporate in an opening stanza. If the adjective isn't stellar, my adive is always to leave it off the page.

    "When I look at you" could be left off entirely. You could just say "you are sweet smelling flowers", but also, flowers generally art sweet smelling (unless it's yarrow- have you ever smelled that stuff- it's horrid), so again, those aren't strong descriptive words.

    Since I didn't like the "I, myself" in the first stanza, I was a wee bit annoyed to see it in every stanza. lol. There is too much repetition in the piece for, really, how short it is, and the repetition doesn't add anything to the effect each stanza manages to have on the reader. I do like the "I am a dreamer" as a final line. Just not the "myself" attached to it. lol.


  • Night Hope gold member
    February 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    "When I look at you,
    I see sweet smelling flowers
    painting the countryside
    with a rainbow of imagination
    when I, myself, am a butterfly
    gently tasting and touching
    each and every one."

    This is a gentle & lovely penning filled with admiration for another...Did you stop to consider what it is that they see when they look at you??? I love flutterbyes...The Native Americans believe they carry the departed Spirit into the Great Beyond; I also believe they return, bearing messages for loved ones that were left behind...well done, my Friend... Wanda


  • Agirl
    August 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I like how when you say when I look at you and when I look at me the things relate to each other like flowers and butterflies. It's very clever and it makes your poem interesting. I love it.


  • Lurie
    December 20, 2001
    Edit | Reply
    Yes I agree with Noelani! You paint very vivid pictures with your elegant words!

  • Noelani
    December 14, 2001
    Edit | Reply
    You seem to write with such vividness (I dunno if that's a word...but still...), I like the pictures that come to mind when I read your poems.

  • colleen
    November 25, 2001
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful poem, great imagery, nice job:
    )


  • November 25, 2001
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice imagery... pretty poem :)

  • rmerwin
    November 25, 2001
    Edit | Reply
    Great, great, great!! Fine poem.

1 - 10 of 10