These roots embedded deep within,
long shadows cast as dreams begin.
A crescent moon meets shining star,
mystic lands beyond night afar.
Out where dreamland journeys start,
magical heaven for young at heart.
The children wonder as they sleep,
into their minds these visions creep.
Pirates cove with buried treasure,
fill their minds in sleep and leisure.
Ride Pegasus or the last unicorn,
hear Gabriel blow his mighty horn.
Castles with dungeons to explore,
magic carpets in the sky that soar.
Childhood adventures become real,
ancient legends now seem surreal.
Princess marries happily ever after,
clowns and jesters create laughter.
Pretend to be who you want to be,
sleep underneath the dreaming tree.
Author notes
Written February 7th, 2006
In a list
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Hi Sandy
Sorry critique is late. Do take note of both editorial and commentary
Editorial;
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Throughout) The "Dreaming Tree" is a character and a concept. Therefore it is good practice for its name to be in capital letters, as I have presented.
Stanza 1)
There are sections in the poem where more grammar/fullness in sentences (carried over the lines) would benefit the piece; as I have just noted that Sylvyr commented on, regarding Stanza 1. At times where the next line does not grammatically/automatically connect to (or follow-on from) the previous, consider a semi-colon rather than a comma to end the line. ie "A crescent moon meets shining star; mystic lands beyond night afar". Alternative, add more grammar to complete the lines in their sentence structure, ie: "A crescent moon meets shining star (or "a shining star"), in mystic lands beyond night afar". Consider these points throughout the poem.
Line 9) I was of the feeling that "pirates" needed an apostrophe; either "pirate's" (if it belongs to a pirate) or "pirates'" if it's a cove occupied by many pirates etc. Or a place where pirates go, for example.
L10) "fill": I wondered whether this should be plural; "fills", since you're talking previously of the pirate's cove, so if the cove is a place that fills children's minds with dreams and fantasy, it should be "fills". However, because your lines don't always connect as full sentences, I'm not wholly sure whether this was your intented meaning or not, so do let me know.
Line 11) I felt the “the last” disrupted the flow, and seemed to elongate the line in syllables; it just seemed to create a stumbling affect when I read it over a couple times. Consider something along the lines of “Ride Pegasus, or a unicorn” maybe? It may just be me having read it awkwardly up late at night, worn out from doing a bundle of critiques at once, so this is for mere consideration only!!
Lines 15-16) I felt childhood adventures and ancient legends would be better swapped around with each other here. This is because it suggested to me that you’re talking about the adventures experienced in childhood days – ie memories to us, or present to a child reader – which are “real”, while the ancient legends to them would seem “surreal”. A child’s adventures would seem more real to them than ancient legends about times which they cannot relate to, etc. Note that myth and legend aren’t as prominent in a lot of children’s lives, what with all the “modern tv programmes, cartoons and such”, so they would be more surreal already. In dreamland, however, the situation could be reversed, so the child may be “connecting” with some form of ancient legend. This is not wholly necessary, but do give it some further consideration.
Line 19) Consider “Be whoever you want to be” rather than “pretend to be”, because in a dreaming situation, the child/reader/dreamer would not be conscious; therefore they would not be able to undertake the conscious act of pretending. It would be immediate, automatic etc., and perhaps beyond their control.
Topical/Overall:
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Although I was thrown by your tendency to use commas while not connecting sentences/lines fully, I persevered and found myself really in enjoyment of this poem. You use imagery well, and effectively depict various locations, places, and the elements. The first stanza, although not immediately clear to me as I tried to figure out your style/layout, excellently presented imagery of both my Dreaming Tree artwork and resonated the contest theme. I could see the roots of the tree twisting down through the Earth’s atmosphere, spreading over the sky and casting shadows in which dreams are born!!
Although your location features to some people might seem cliché, being what could now be considered rather archetypal and perhaps clichéd images of “childhoods long ago”, I very much enjoyed them and felt they were great assets to this poem. It’s my opinion that younger children are exposed to too much “teen telly” in kids’ tv hours these days, and the modern cartoons seem more encouraging of bad behaviour, violence or literally anything which parents are attempting to dissuade their offspring from, to bring them up decently. That’s the sad problem society has faced since TV replaced books!!! The innocence of your imagery, location choices and fantasy settings takes me, as an adult reader, back to my own fantasies, and although some might comment on “cliché”, I believe a cliché is all too often something true or which has for one reason and another “survived the passage of time” and proven itself!!! There is a timeless quality to your poem, which will appeal to adults and children alike, for no matter how many modern cartoon characters they might be exposed to, children at core are innocent and crave simplicity; equal innocence and things to which they can relate, and such things as pirate-coves etc still inspire them to this day. I also loved the feature of mythology (ie Pegasus, the horse – I believe – that Medusa turned into/was born of her blood when killed by Perseus?). It is not as prominent these days as it was perhaps twenty years ago (re: my comments above on what we expose children to on television nowadays), so it is good to see it continually featured in literature these days, and again was a credit to this poem, which has been very enjoyable to read. Do give consideration to the points I raised in my editorial though, where you feel they are relevant.
Many thanks for sharing this one.
Best wishes
Stuart
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WONDERFUL COMMENT
Thank you for the nice comment asnd the help to make it better. I appreciate it. Take care, Sandy
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This is a great piece but the flow doesn't quite fit in some places. For example....
A crescent moon meets shining star,
mystic lands beyond night afar. the last line there might read better if put... A crescent moon meets shining star, beyond night in mystic lands afar the flow is smoother and easier to keep
also...
The children wonder as they sleep,
into their minds these visions creep.
wonder should be replaced with wander. These two lines show movement of someone going somewhere. To wonder is to think about something and wandering is to go somewhere.
My recommendation hon.. look at this piece with an editor's eyes and go over it in order to fine tune it. I do this with my own work and find that I do much better by going back at least once. for the difficult parts, twice or more. Or else I have someone else look at it. Alot of times, my inspiration comes from something someone said in comments.
Hugs and love hon... this is a image and fantasy rich poem that is worthy of publishing. Congrats.. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. -
WONDERFUL CONTEST
Thank you, I look forward to your comment. TWonderful contest. Take care, Sandy
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WONDERFUL COMMENT
Thank you John for another wonderful comment. I do so appreciate them. Take care, Sandy God Bless you my frind!
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Delightful
What a lovely, delightful invitation to childlike dreams! --Ellis -
I really enjoyed this, so light and free. Thank you so much for sharing and good luck in the contest! Take care and God bless, ~Angel~
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Hi
Am just printing a hard-copy off at the moment, so will be proof-checking, critiquing and scoring it tonight (UK time). The critique will be posted tomorrow Thanks for submitting this into the Contest.
Best wishes
Stuart
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this is an amazing write. i love it. keep up the good work. God Bless!
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Grand for sleepy heads!!!
You should be writing for children's books. This is almost a lost art - with your gift. May you win. Enjoyed your Dream Tree.
Jackie
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Very very nicely done, my friend! I wish you the best of luck in this contest!
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Love the poem! Love the Last Unicorn bit, and love the fantasy that just came into vivid pictures as I read this poem.
I love it all! <3 -
i really like this story. up until the last stanza as i personally abhor clowns but even with that, you did create a wonderful piece of art here. i like the dreaming tree. that is so awesome. thank you for writing this story and for sharing it with me tonight. viyanna r langager
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spectaaaaacular
wow, i loved this. "Pretend to be who you want to be, / sleep underneath the dreaming tree." that bit was really pretty. this reminded me of a fantasy book.
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excellent
Excellent write Sandy!!! I am in awe of your talent! Mystical, joyful and dreamlike state shared throughout your poetry. The flow and ryhme just perfect. A wonderful childrens poem with excitement and imagery! Perfect. Good luck to you! Gary
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Dreams can be so wonderfully delighting and...yet they can also be so horribly frightening in the same night. I do enjoy thoughts of children's dreams though, they seem so cute and innocent.... I like it, you seem to do children's poems really well.
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WOW... This is an awesome poem!! You did a great job on this!!! I really enjoyed it!!! I'm holding a contest for children/baby poetry... If you wanna check it out, you're more than welcome too but I'm not gonna leave a link because it might be spamming... LOL... This is a very well written poem and I love it because a child could understand it!!!
Beth -
Magical
Oh this excellent! Loved the reference to "The Last Unicorn", brought back of flood of magical memories from childhood. (I still have that movie lol) I cannot wait to go to sleep and revisit my youth. A lovely work! -
Sandygram if there were more published childrens' poems like this one, the children of today would have the same rich heritage of word pictures that we had at their age. Keep up the inspiring work
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Wow! Sandygram! This is really wonderful. You should be writing books of poetry for children, with an imagination such as this. I love this background, and the imagery in motion at the top. Your words flow so beautifully. My daughter is going to absolutely love this one! Gee, thanks for sharing it! Susan
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Oh - I love this one... Seldom do I find a poem that I wish to print and share with my son, but I think this would make a great bedtime read. Lovely work and thanks for sharing - as always, Your AP Friend, Paulene.
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I clicked on this poem, cuz Dream a Little Dream is one of my favorite songs. So I just HAD to see what a poem by that name would be about.
I dream this little dream alot. Great write!
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