All light in the sky
is shortly consumed
Me and you holding hands
losing sight of the new moon
Strolling down to the field
with intent to play a game
We pass and chase a little ball
while it starts to poor down rain
You push off me and race away
then I get up off the ground
I run and hold you tightly
and we tumble all around
We gaze into each-others eyes
as you now lay below me
I tell you I love you much
and then you begin to hold me
The perfect moment, the perfect kiss
in such stormy of all weather
It seems like the ultimate bliss
nothing compared could prove better
I stand and pull you up with me
afterwards falling in my arms
Never wanting this ever to end
for I am absorbed in all your charms
But finally we look around
and, across the field, the ball is rolling
Both of us trying to catch the rebel
before, too far, it decides to go strolling.
We stop the shifty ball just in time
then I hear the ring of your cell phone
As you open it I hear your parents voice
and they are telling us to come home
WHAT A DAY TO HAVE HAD
COULD NOT HAVE DREAMED IT BETTER.
AMAZING HOW SUCH A SPECTACULAR TIME
COULD HAVE COME OF SUCH BAD WEATHER.
Author notes
*6* Soul Mates - P -
**Not the create of the contest's Jenn, my girlfriend Jenn. Wow, that is weird. I opened up her profile and at the top of the page it said "Love you Jenny," and I thought, "go away, her and I are in love, she's mine," as if there wasn't more than one Jenn in the whole world. I am laughing so hard right now. Oh well... LOVE YOU (my) JENN!!!!
***"Cassie is Queen of the World"***
Written February 6th, 2006
A contest entry
- † Contest *OF* Optionz † by xox Juicebox xox.
300 points, ended February 19, 2006, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hey!!! I found you!!! it's alaina, jenns friend. nice poem.. your on my faves!!!
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wow i doubt you remember me...but i really lyk this. it shows a lot of emotion. n'your truly talented! <3
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Beautiful
Very beautiful piece.
Good luck in my contest and thanks so much for entering!!!
Yours,
Cassie
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Absolutely beautiful, its amazing when you can have a moment that completly takes your breath away. The innocent playing and the 'accidental' lead to a very intimate moment, its a moment you wont forget, this poem brought the emotions to life and i could actually see this happening, you brough back alot of my own memories from the rain and i thank you for that. keep penning!
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its beauttiful. the rocky parts convey emotiuons. Emotions not always smooth is it? especially not that kind. Its beautiful. good luck in the contest.
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Aw! It's so sweet! There's so much passion in this write- I especially liked these two stanzas:
We gaze into each-others eyes
as you now lay below me
I tell you I love you much
when you begin to hold me
The perfect moment, the perfect kiss
in such stormy of all weather
It seems like the ultimate bliss
nothing compared could prove better
Lovely! I'd go over it again and smooth out the flow- some parts are a little rocky. But otherwise it's perfect. Good luck in the contest!
.:Marie:. -
I love this poem, great write
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great job!
This is a really pretty poem, I love how it creates a visual. I can just see this happening, imagining the smell of the light rain. The background and font colors really accent it as well, and are pleasing to look out. Now for the dreaded criticizing. I feel that some of the rhymes are forced, and in some places, you have too many words. For example, in the second to last stanza, you have "We stop the shifty ball just in time/
then I hear the ring of my cell phone/
As you open it I hear your parents voice/
and they are telling us to come home."
I think it would be better if it was:
We stop the shifty ball just in time/
Then I hear the ring of my (shouldn't it be your?) cell phone/
As you open it I hear your parent's voice (I like how you combine the parents like they are one)/
They are telling us to come home.
After you polish this poem a bit, I believe it will be a great success.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
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