She looks so lovely there
Her skin a velvet sheen
Down to her upturned nose
And lips that unlock doors
To secrets no one knows.
She looks so lovely there
I'm dazzled by her charm
No movie star could touch
Not in their greatest role
Could they show half as much.
She looks so lovely there.
My heart is hers alone
The prize for battle won.
Surrender was complete
Before it had begun.
She looks so lovely there
The music soft and low.
The flowers fragrance lends
A bittersweet salute
To love that never ends.
Author notes
The Monchielle is a form created by Jim T. Henriksen, Starhiker at AllPoetry. My appreciation goes to him for introducing such an interesting form.
Written January 30th, 2006
A contest entry
- Write in a new form: Monchielle by poetryality.
400 points, ended January 31, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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Yes, the piece is referring to his looking at her in the casket and the beauty she maintains even in death. Thank you, Von, for enjoying it and your kind words.
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This is lovely Mike. I'm not certain but I see death here, in death as in life this lady is naturally beautiful. the last tanza speaks to me of her funeral, low music, the love that will never end and the flowers.
An interesting form of poetry handled very well here.
Regards,
Von
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Thank you, Lee! I have little doubt that you will do the form justice. Let me know when it's done! Thank you for the kind words and enjoying my work. It's a pleasure seeing you
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A divinely beautiful write, my friend. I've not tried my hand at a Monchielle but after reading this lovely example I think I'll have to give it a try.
I really liked the rhythm and the soft flow of the poem. I thought your rhyme was very subtle and natural. So often I hear statements about how creativity and meaning are sacrificed when poetry rhymes, but you certainly prove them wrong with this lovely write. I think my favorite lines are:
And lips that unlock doors
To secrets no one knows.
There's just something provocative in them. Another excellent write from a true master. Pen on!
~ Lee Stone -
Lovely, lovely write, my friend. This form of poetry is lyrical in the reading, but unusual. I find myself going back over it just to feel the 'float' of the words. The observations in this poem are quietly stunning and echo deeply.
~ Klassy ~
I did not understand the sadness until I read your comment... -
Thank you very much, Renee. I'm a firm believer that love does not end with death but continues on for as long as the mind can remember. I'm very pleased that you found it worthy of such a kind comment
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I do not disagree at all. You make a very valid point and I appreciate your thoughts
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You have aced the form with this entry. The imagary is stark. I can almost see her with her "velvet skin and upturned nose". The rhyme is flawless, and the flow great as well. What truly amazes me is how much we can still love one another beyond that which we know as death. Excellent Moncielle here my friend. Thank you so much for supporting our challenge with this entry, and the best to you in the contest.
Much Love,
Renee
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I could not reach her because I was looking at her in her coffin....glad you enjoyed!
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Thank you, Elizabeth! I'm very pleased that you enjoy my words in Jim's creation
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Marianelle sounds good to me! It'salways good to come up with new styles. That's one of the beauties of poetry. Diplomacy? Well, people have different definitions, I suppose. I agree with yours. Thank you!
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Thank you, Zaria, for your kind comments and for saying it like it is. I appreciate your support
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The Meter Man conquers a new form
So what's new?
Except that I am newly amazed -
Excellent
This poem really caught my attension by the title. When I read it the beauty of the poem was clearly seen. Excellent work. -
amayzing...simply amayzing, that is the only word that seems to suffice.
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Excellent writing form!!
Excellent write and I think its cleverly written. If Starhiker wants to create a form of his own I believe that's his own choice. Like I could have many forms considered a Marianelle (actually that sounds cool) That's it, that's what my poems are, a Marianelle lol.
Excellent writing. I feel my comment is more diplomatic than some of the others: ex: NC. lol.
The form sticks with me.
Love Marianne. -
This is a beautiful pen. It has some lovely imagery and meter. However the second stanza:
Instead of her beauty being compared to a movie star, maybe you should try comparing her beauty to the beauty of a rose or the beauty of an angel. I just don't think a movie star fits with the rest of the imagery used in this pen..Just my oppinion.
Smiles your way <<<<Sandy San-d
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Excellent Write and n
Where is the diplomacy in the comment that Nurse Chilly wrote.
If I got a style and called it a Mariannelle Than that's what I want to call it. There may be another name for it. But ah whatever cranks you up. I liked this poem and I think its a great entry. **HUGS**
ah a Mariannelle now that could go well with me LOL.
Excellent penmanship.
Your friend,
Marianne. -
not cliche' at all...and there may be different types of writing styles, but do you really think the first person with pen and paper who decided to write their feelings on paper in form of poetry wrote it for a "certain" category? Hell no...it was their feelings and that's it. Things don't always have to be categorized and your feelings don't have to be either, so nurse chilly can stick it up her ass. Poetry is what you feel...not anything else but that.
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this is totally different. And yes, when you look past the pain of losing a loved one, death is a beautiful passage, into another life.
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I loved this! Refreshingly different rhyming format and so well worded! Thanks for this, it's the best thing I've read all day
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oh, but to love and not be able to obtain. Sometimes, it is a love from afar, others could be a love that was lost to our higher being. The ending is sad, yet I sense the subject is content with knowing / feeling the love with in. And that gives a little piece of mind. Enigma
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Wow, this poem is beautiful. though, the only stanza that i didnt really get was
"She looks so lovely there
I'm dazzled by her charm
No movie star could touch
Not in their greatest role
Could they show half as much."
I understand that you're comparing her to a movie star, which is good in my opinion. It just doesnt flow right. I dunno. Maybe its just me? but good work overall
~Kari -
I know the title makes reference toward a funeral, but I read the poem without the title, and it slightly made me think of a wedding, especially with the images of flowers. Just thought I'd note that I like that. It's so beautiful and elegant. And the word "lovely" paints the perfect picture of this event. And now I reread it, and realize that you may not be referring to a funeral at all. I guess I like how it is left so open. Nice work.
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"And lips that unlock doors
To secrets no one knows."
That line i think is the best line in the poem. It's so powerful. I think that line pulls you into the poem itself.
"She looks so lovely there
I'm dazzled by her charm
No movie star could touch
Not in their greatest role
Could they show half as much."
Although the point you are making gets across with this stanza, I belive that comparing movie stars isn't the greatest way of doing it. You have proved you can use beautiful literary devises in the first quote posted. So you should reach for the feeling you described in that quote and put it toward this stanza. -
I don't understand why anyone would be perturbed that a writer would invent a new form of poetry. Seems we should encourage those that are creative enough and have the energy to create a new way to write poetry, but then, thats just me. This floats my boat for sure. Congrats for giving it a go, I think its tight and I dig it.
Becky
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beautiful
this is a delightful write, very expressive and true to poetry. poetry should speak from the heart, pull you in and make you keep reading. I enjoyed it. -
cool stuff- do you have more info on this form?
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I'm not sure on this format..
but hey, whatever floats your boat.. I'm just a little peturbed with a few writers on here who are making up their own forms of poetic writing when there so many beautiful forms to choose from?? just my opinion..
sorry.. but I don't dig this at all .. it's a little cliched in imagery and metaphor.. sorry
but nah, not my thing
I have seen much better and much tighter stuff from you BD.. ???
ohh well.. onwards and upwards.. each to their own. -
Bravo!
Bravo! The imagery in this poem is phenomenal and the words flow so well. You truely did an awesome job writing this poem. The entire poem had a very sad feel to it, which was set by the title. -
Iliked the way you wrote this! Nice write.
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oh how lovely! and a new form to boot! the flow and rythm are tight. pleasant read.
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I'm really wondering if this really has a sad ending (as to Symphony)... with the words "she looks so lovely there", I felt you loved the girl, but could not reach her, only look at her. I don't know if I interpreted right, but great piece though!
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Oh man this was gorgeous - you wrote this with such style and flow - clearly you can do form poetry (unlike I, lol) really nice job on this, and such a sad ending ....
best of luck in the contest -
Sweetly Lyrical
And in her loveliness you find repose more splendid than the fragrant rose.She lies ther in true perfection ready for her ressurection.Imagery is dazzling and the word usage so rich.Hats off to Jim for the creation of this style and lots of luck in the Contest.Elizabeth -
this is so very beautiful--sad and beautiful at the same time. thank you for sharing your talent with me tonight. viyanna langager
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Quite pleasant tempo this form has. Bravo to the creator of this form and for your own rendering of this great piece.
Regards........................John -
Thank you, Jim. I looked for those requirements in the contest and didn't find them but you have them now. Thank you for the kind words and best to you.
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Wow! What a great Monchielle, Balladeer! I loved the rhymes and the rhythm was perfect, down to the iambic beat, making it flow perfectly over the tongue! The story the poem tells through the imagery is stunning! All that I'm missing is a little "Monchielle" in the title, and a little description of the form in the AC's. Not mandatory, but it will help me track the spread of the form. You have my applause, and my best wishes in the contest! 
Jim
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