Silent, empty hallways
Echo with your smile,
As I walk along alone
These barren walls.
The hollow rooms reflect
The memories we shared,
The couches where we lay
Are torn spongy corpses.
The hardwood floors are cold,
And your footsteps still tap them.
They squeek a silent sorrow
As my tear hits them.
This house carries its pointless purpose
Onto the new ones who are coming.
But for now, it sighs as I close the door
On the old ones who were there.
Author notes
This is the first piece i have ever written without drawing from personal experience, I was feeling a bit sad today but could find no real reason, but seeing how writing is my anti-depressant I decided to explore some free writing, so i sat down and just started stringing sentences together until one caught my eye and thought that it could make a good poem and here it is. Its about a young couple miving out of their first home for some mysterious reason ( that i have yet to figure out, once I do i will add it), but there is a lot of emoion and pain attached to the move.
Hope whomever reads it likes it!!
Written January 29th, 2006
A contest entry
- † Contest *4* Anything † by xox Juicebox xox.
300 points, ended February 7, 2006, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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very well written! I enjoyed your poem alot and it has a lot of meaaning and pain in it.
Keep up the good work!
God is blessing you!
Dawn -
The point of the contradictions are to prove that the house is empty and everything is in her mind..
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excellent
Very, very well done. I could just see the images in my mind, because of your astounding writing. I'm very impressed, keep it up!!! -
I liked it very much, and I do believe this specific mood (in this poem) suits you very well as a poet. One thing that threw me off this, though, was the fact that there were a ton of contradictions... Not that it's really a bad thing, just that it fogs up the meaning you are trying to get across with this...For example:
"Silent, empty hallways
Echo with your smile,"
Traditionally, an echo is a noise, so the "silent" throws you off.. very nicely done though, if metaphorical...
-Amanda -
WoW some amazing imagery and personification in here! I love these kind of poems as it is like they come alive from your screen. There was so much power and you portayed the house and the strong emotions in which it held really well. This was so moving and striking and I love reading and writing this kind of poetry as I feel it is really refreshing hearing something that is descriptive and holds so much interesting words. So thank you for the lovely read you gave me and well done, such a beautiful poem
!
All my love, ~*~Elaine~*~
x x x x x x x x x x x x x -
How haunting - I look forward to the continuation of this poem. Your imagery was vivid and I could see the rooms and the hallways in my mind as you walked through this empty place moving on... Don't leave me waiting too long... Thanks for sharing.
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excellent!!
i love it!!!this is so cool!!!!i just have no idea what to say!!!!this is truly truly truly a great poem!!!!great stuff!!!!great stuff!!! -
i liked the idea of it a lot..there are a few things that I personally would have changed to make it look better...but all in all it was a creative concept. It had some good images, and atleast you didn't bore me with norm. Keep writing I think you are going places...
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Dark and intense , a bit like my writting , but different.
I loved it .
Simply lovely.xoxox -
Nice poem
This is very sad. Beautifully put together. The reader can almost see this person closing the door for the last time. It takes a very good poet to create such a vivid image in the minds of the readers. You managed this quite well. The metaphors you used are very good. Nice layout. Yes, this is a very good piece. Good luck in the contest. Glad this item was featured, really enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing it!
Susan
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excellent
Excellent ,honest poem. Like how you wrote your emotions. Well expressed and anyone who has moved will see your picture in words. Very well done,Thank you for sharing. -
Bedazzled - ROTFLMAO yea I know I was like WHAT?????
Awesome piece; you're competition but still... good luck!! -
great
This is really deep and you are right, it does hold a lot of pain and emotion. Great write and good luck in the contest. -
excellen
This is an excellent piece. It's such a great feeling when we can draw upon a thought without it being our own and put ourselves in the moment and come up with something as eloquent as this. You've extremely well to give it the emotion that one would feel when leaving their home. Might I add, that you needn't add to the poem who it is that is leaving. As I think leaving this up to the readers imagination helps to give it it's appeal. I do enjoy your giving a little history on how you came about this. I find that facinating. For our work does have a history on conception.Good luck in the contest. You've done a great job combining emotion and imagery here.
~Michelle~
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This poem is awesome. It has a lot of detail and makes it easy to picture. Awesome job.
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Beautiful
Beautiful piece!!!
Good luck in my contest and thanks for entering!!!
Yours,
Cassie
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I really enjoyed this... it's deep and emotional. You can really feel the way the couple is feeling about having to leave there home... very well written!!
I also like that this is your first free written poem... I actually find it kinda hard to write about something I have absolutely no personal experince with!! You did very well for it being your first time!
Good luck in the contest!! -
thats great that u tried something new and didnt draw from personal experience. it shows that ur improving as a writer and expannding ur horizons...not to mention, this is an AWESOME POEM!!!
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Oh my gosh a real comment.. lol thanks for commenting on the piece, i appreciate you taking the time to read it.. unlike ... well lets not go there lol..
Will check out your work!! -
Unlike SOME commentors I'm going to comment on your poem not ramble off on some wierd self-pity binge. I could definately feel the emotion coming through in this poem and practically see the scene you're descirbing. Good use of similes my only advice would be to smoothen out the rhythm. Fantastic 'stringing' honey you should do it more often!
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I like that. It leaves some thought to imagination, it gives the reader room to take it to form in there own way wich can be one of the most important things in poetry.
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Hey, I really liked this and can relate to writing breakup poems without the personal experience. Really liked the descriptions, the way you made the house come alive. My favorite line would be: The couches where we lay
Are torn spongy corpses." Very touching. -
I absolutely love "The couches where we lay Are torn spongy corpses." It paints such a picture in my mind. Great write.
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This was great! The saddness that it should as i read it was most excelent. I could feel it all. The lines you used to express it too! Good flow and meaning in them.
"The hollow rooms reflect
The memories we shared"
I liked these lines for showing us the time you shared in them. Memories created and feelings shared. The history it brings to you.
"The hardwood floors are cold
And your footsteps still tap them
They squeek a silent sorrow
As my tear hits them"
These lines are what killed me over in the end. Remembering the halls you walked. The sounds of your footsteps ringing throughout the house. Yet with you gone the only sound i hear is my tears. Very nice. A great poem.
~Congratz~
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We have moved many times, and I always remember that last walk through the place and the feelings of leaving something behind, but then always like the optimism and happiness that first night in a new home. You have shared that last walka feeling very well.
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And your footsteps still tap them
They squeek a silent sorrow
As my tear hits them
But for now, it sighs as I close the door
On the old ones who were there.
well done! this is so emotional that I am a bit surprised that its not of personal experiences. Well done!!! Keep it up!
Gem
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well you did an excellent job. Poems or writes written from emotion or the heart are the best. Good luck and continue to feed your writes with your emotions.
Rose -
i like it. very personal and touching. great write. check out some of my writes?
-karen -
i really like it. very like a dream. its really great and very descriptive, ope none bugs you about the IM.
jess
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