Well, its work
And I needed it
(bills and men to pay)
A tree is a tree after all
I parked at the cemetery
Not enough rain to get in the way
Near the statue of Jesus leading a small
Flock of sheep
I come to see
A live oak in whose shade
My Mother lay
Sister said you needed help
she had money to pay
And Jesus looks after the sheep
stares at Mother beneath her tree.
The tree is a mess
Mangled stub ends from the field hands
Cutting only what spoiled the view
Whips that slapped the mowers faces
South face fallen away
Hair knotted and tangled
Skewered with the rotting
Victims of the mugging winds
(Don't make me remember you this way)
The remaining east and west halves gaping
Along a dry jagged split; You do
Need my help.
pins and cables, knife sharp saws
It won't hurt like what you have been through
when I make you pretty again
Others will want my help, too.
----------
Sorry I took so long to come, Mother
You've gotten so skinny!
(even cancer spits out the bones)
Still weakly believing you could get better
(but you sent for me to say goodbye)
A drowsy half smile your last gift of life
(don't make me remember you this way)
And words to take with me
"Be Strong,
Others will be counting on you for Stability;
It doesn't make you less of a man to say 'I'm sorry'
Shine your light but don't be silly;
Laugh often...You'll do fine"
(But you told sis you were worried about me)
Brave face
(but you told sis, "they shoot horses in this much pain")
My treasure chest wasn't big or strong enough to carry-
leaked the rest of your words
---------
Between her tree and Jesus talking to his sheep
Under his gaze, in the shade...
Where is your stone?
A Grave of ROSEs
John H. lll Lanie Lee
Dec 8 1918 Jan 26 1914-Apr 14 1990
HOLLOWAY
William B. Mary K.
Aug 28 1914 Aug 17 1921-Mar 7 1979
(thought women were supposed to live longer)
Empty path, tears and rain mix
Where are you, Mommy?
Thomas L Harris Jr
S1 US Navy
WWll
Apr 12 1927-Nov 2 1979
Harvey Lloyd
Father
Where are you, Mommy?
Can't I even find my mother's stone?
(and I only ever called you Mother)
Dying soldiers cry out to their mothers
------
You looked so sad in my wedding pictures
Gray, plump, in peach chiffon
(even cancer spits out the bones)
I had more faith than you that day
But only that day
-------
Roots caressing the stone
Hid you from me
brushed back the leaves
A Virgina Moore
MOON
Apr 20 1921-Feb 14 1980
FAITHFUL
You died on
Valentine's Day
All the best flowers were sold
Only one spray of roses left, red
(wrong color)
reserved...
The florist shocked to find peach colored talismans
where stored the red
Talismans were your favorite
We buried you in the snow
heard you ask Jesus to be buried in the snow
To remind you of home, of Pennsylvania
(he heard)
A Miracle in Louisiana
The only time I've heard a weatherman say
"We don't know where that snow came from."
I might still tell him
It doesn't make me miss you less...
sorry took so long to come-
Let me brush your hair
And make you pretty again.
Author notes
Talisman-Something that apparently has magic powers to protect. These are talisman roses.
Option 1
Written January 28th, 2006
A contest entry
- Inspirational Women !!! -- NOW ALLOWING PREWRITES by Manda Kathryn.
600 points, ended February 19, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Piece for a Mother by Ransomed-n-Redeemed.
300 points, ended July 30, 2007, 43 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Chimera poetry by cricketjeff.
1250 points, ended June 22, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me What You Got. by WhatLiesBeneath.
490 points, ended October 3, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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Wow! What a piece, so much confession and painful emotion. You truly grasp the reader by the heart and squeeze until the last phrase. It is almost as if I could be walking beside you partaking in your thoughts as you ventured into the cemetery and the painful reminiscence.
What an absolutely lovely piece, this one I would feel the pain just to absorb your words again.
Kelly -
I love the way you wrote this, almost like you were thinking aloud. The repetition of certain lines worked beautifully. Well done, I was captivated throughout.
Mariana
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Would the God of Wonders ...
do anything less than wonders?
Thank you for a wonderfilled poem. I loved it. Every bit of it.
Love
Myra
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Did you get email OK?
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Yes thank you Ben ...
Now that I have your address confirmed, I may send you Flax to Gold.
Your wife, Nora, added me on Facebook. Tell her I try to log into that website and often fail. I will add her as soon as I am in! Thank you, Poet!
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Very touching poetry.
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Very touching poetry and composed of all sorts of variously interlocking parts, I enjoyed this a lot.
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thanks for your consideration, and bronze. I could have tweaked it to strengthen the different voices, but considering the subject, I thought best to leave it alone.
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that is an amazingly sweet and touching poem that is overriden with powerful emotions. Lovely job.
`R&R -
deercatcher
WOW ! -- I am ...just ... wow !!
This is nothing short of amazing, deep and so touching, and sad.
Absolutely stunning !
I am sorry I can't comment better I am speechless
Thank you for your entry and best of luck
Stay safe
~Amanda
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My mother's birthday is February 17. She died when she was 96, in 2000. She lived long enough to be very proud of me. My birth family found me in Septmeber. Imagine being this age and being a child again. My birth mother is 89 and living so I have this to go through yet again. I will be going up to her again in a few weeks. We are going to move to the west coast as soon as we can go over together and find a place, this summer. Of course, it will take a while to organize and get moved but I have to be with family. I have been way too lonely for way too long. I have twelve brothers and sisters to get to know as well. I am number five so there are four older than I. I need to build famial relationships with them. If this had happened a few years ago, I would have been frightened to love them because of the pain of loss. They found me at just the right time. Sorry to ramble, but this all impacts me liek a stone. it is so real and beatuiful, so raw and really full of the tenderest love, real love. Bravo, pen friend.
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Timing is the miracle. This way you are in the place to appreciate the blessing and are in the unique place to be rich enough to have 2 mothers. Your comments are great warmth on a cold day.
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Hi, give me more, give me more, this is a lovely write, I felt as if I were there, beautiful images, I am becoming a fan, hugs Di
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crushing
echoeing shadows
the form is amazing.
you nailed this
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this is great. very sympathetic poem. very awesom. thanks for enterring
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wow...this is an amazing poem. its sad and theres a lot of emotion put into it, i love how youset it out. amazing poem. good luck in the contest and keep writing
Thankyou for Entering
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This tribute to your mother is so sad. I liked the structure and the way you added the tumbstone writings were brilliant. Thanks for entering
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...that was sad.. it was set out in a kool way to me it kinda told a story ..good luck in contest.. smiles ~ cheeky~
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I love the way that you remember your mother in this. It is long and kind of hard to follow but still very good. Thanks for a good read and good luck.
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Thank you Vera, for the honors. I hope you find some small comfort in these words.
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How splendid to find someone writing at a reasonable length for once. And the collage-type structure is beautifully managed and highly effective.
Splendid, too, to find a poem dealing with bereavement that is a controlled work of art, and not simply a shrieking rant of raw emotions. (Pity that the various critiques do not cultivate a similar detachment!)
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i liked the format of this write. this was a pretty goood write. thanks for the entry in the contest. GB and GGHL. ~~~~~~~Bec~~~~~~~
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I still like this one immensely,Ben~Jammin...I entered a few poems in this contest, too...Good luck, my Friend... Wanda
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I liked the way you've set this out on the page, it made it interesting to read. Although it was a fairly long piece it kept my attention all the way through. Thanks for entering, Carlotta
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this is just great !woaw ! its so wonderful ! i loved this ! thanks for the entry ! best wishes in the contest !
your fan,
TRUTHWRITER -
A verdict can't do this justice
wow... There is so much pain in this. There is also so much life though. The sensitivity of death is always ripe with fear and confusion but there wasn't muchof that here. There was a feeling of the reader wading around knee-deep in regret. It isn't a "woe is me" type of piece and the only reason for that is because it's not about you.
"(Don't make me remember you this way)" that's reality. That is what death is about to the people that are left behind. I'm glad you meticulously put this piece together the way you did. The somberness of the entire thing is almost comforting. And that is very strange but so is the piece. It's very well written though. I very much commend you on writing it. Thanks for entering my contest. Good Luck. -
Just getting back after being away so long. Reading the above critiques left my head spinning. Found this work sad, even the reference to the oak. But life is not always pretty; but it goes on. Thank you for sharing this moment with us.
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Thank you and all the best.
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I didn't get a chance to applaude the comment and found the comment looking for it. Thank you. You must have some sensitive, macho, handsome, rugged, inquisitive, positive sons then! Did you find the split? I havent shown the arachnid what I consider my (nearly) final form.
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Well the critque was harsh, but I have to agree in some places it is hard to read. Not that one does not feel your pain or understand what it is like to loose a loved one. Cancer sucks, my grandfather had two types when he died. Race to see which one won ~ sorry for your loss really. Good read though! Sie
Edited on Feb 11, 2:51 because ''. -
By 'shearing in the wrong places', I meant when you edited, you seemed to take out some words that should have been left, leaving some of your sentences to be confusing. Remember, if you remove a word, it is because it is implied. If it isn't implied, you can't remove it. Simple enough?
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Never. It stings at first, but gets warm. I try to be teachable and even if I don't see it at first I often come around. I saved the Sears ramble... took it out for a look/see expecting to put it back. I didn't make it through the piece... I had been giving myself a break. Diluting. I thought it strengthened the sense of being lost and indicated the passing of time... What do you mean by shearing in the wrong places, Kiss (keep it simple [for] stupid)?
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I trust your judgement. Come see. here spider, spider...
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you mock my pain...
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Sometimes... you just have to bite the bullet, dolly! Maybe had you been a little quicker with revisions... this wouldn't have played out like this...
See what happens when you don't listen to women? LMAO
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I am not surprised, Benjamin...Things happen for a reason, my Friend...even if we can't see it or don't know about it at the time...Some things are just meant to be...Your mom wanted & deserved her favorite shade, so she got it...
Wanda
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Now see what you did! That FountainClassics was the judge and you predjudiced her! You know mine was the best piece. Now march right over and fix this...
Or I'll get my bug spray... -
I talked to my sister today and showed her this. She asked about the roses... I picked them because they are very close to the color of the dress she wore to my wedding. "They were Mom's favorite roses...did you hear about the roses?"What? I asked. It was after valentines day. the florist was all sold out but for one batch of red roses in the refrigerator. Overnight, in the fridge, they changed into talisman-peach colored roses!
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~~SEWING A JAGGED SPLIT~~
~rolls eyes~ For god's sake... Save the drama for the poem. The title should be connected but not 'scream'. Like 'Roots' or 'In The Shade' or 'To Return Your Beauty'.
And trust me, the section does not come across as 'what she overcame to raise you'. It comes across as angst. Either way, I'm telling you, it doesn't belong here.
And I'm an 'acquired taste'? What does that mean? Either like dark and psychological exploration... or you don't. Black and white baby. -
I had 4 working titles and this was the best... What do you think of SEWING A JAGGED SPLIT? Maybe when I rework between the roots something will pop up. How else can i tell anyone I took a dump in the display toilet at Sears and maintain any...
respect? I wanted to show what kinds of things she overcame to raise me. And I was fourth of five. I made another pass at the work and tightened it up a bit. I'll think about the other selections. Remember; you are an aquired taste. Maybe I can bridge the styles a bit with this piece and pull in a wider audience. -
By the way... This piece deserves a better title, than the one you gave it.
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Well well... For a confessional piece... this isn't bad at all. You did well to conjoin the mind, the experience and the feelings. It comes across strongly in this, and is just my favorite type of poetry. Your spacing was entertaining and playful. It works, to make a long piece, seem shorter than it is, a good trick to keep your readers attention. Now, all you need to do, is to tighten this piece up. The stake must be so sharp, that it goes through cleanly. You don't want them to suffer long, do you? It's preferable (to most) to have a quick death. First thing, is your intro:
~~Well, its work
And I needed it
(bills and men to pay)
A tree is a tree after all~~
It's written well, but even now... I don't understand it's relevance to this? I know you are a caretaker for plants, but I thought that this was about visiting your mother's grave? Are you working there that day? If so, you said nothing else about it, so this section has no real meaning or place, it's only eating space. If I missed its point, please feel free to enlighten me...
The next thing I will point out, is (to be honest) something I've only really gotten the full knowledge of use of, in the last week. One of the biggest differences between 'hacks' and 'masters' is the selection of words and which ones are really necessary. Words that can be implied, such as 'the' or 'in' or 'a', should be left to be applied and dropped out entirely, whereever possible. For example:
~~ Sister said she needed help
Sister said she had money to pay
And Jesus looks after the sheep
And stares at Mother beneath the tree.~~
Could be 'economized' to:
~~ Sister said she needed help
had money to pay
And Jesus looks after the sheep
stares, Mother beneath the tree.~~
It may sound funny to you at first, but you'll see how it simmers your poem to a stark distinction. It also allows you to keep your reader hyper focused on what you're saying. And from this sentence "A four year old trotting lost in Sears-Roebuck" to this one "I was only solving problems..." I would recommend dropping that whole section. It is ineloquent compared the whole rest of this piece. It throws off the flow and is unneccasary. The words about her before, spoke volumes already. If this part is so important to you, then perhaps it should become it's own piece seperate from this. This:
~~Finally! Here between the roots all along...~~
...needs to be re-worded. This is a pinnacle point in the poem. Do it justice. Where is your poetic turn of phrase? And this line:
~~But I know.
It doesn't make me miss you less...~~
Drop it. Emo babble. We can see that you feel this way already. It's excess. This page drips your sorrow, don't drown us, or will never live to tell the tale.
On the flip side...
The grave stones were highly creative. They need to be aligned a little better... but they work. I liked them a lot. And the repetition of " (Don't make me remember you this way)" and "(even cancer spits out the bones)".... I loved it. It haunted. A very nice echo for the tone of this piece. And the end... wasn't too shabby either.
Regardless of my assessment, you did well. That I rip it apart, is my nature. You can do what you please with the information and perspective. (just don't be sensitive about it, it's not directed at you per say, just improvement)
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Breathtaking. Like a narrative film. I want to cry. xx debs
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'...The tree is a mess Mangled stub ends from the field hands Cutting only what spoiled the view Whips that slapped the mowers faces South face fallen away Hair knotted and tangled Skewered with the rotting Victims of the mugging winds (Don't make me remember you this way)...' Sighhh... This is haunting, beautiful, poignant, laden with pathos, drenched in tears & lifted up by Love, Benjamin...Wonderfully written, my Friend...& I have some idea of what it took to write...My deepest condolences & admiration, my Friend...This was wrenched from your Soul, I know...This is a penning filled with Wisdom, resplendent with Grace & Wonder...an intricate piece, heavy with elegant imagery & eloquent definitions within...This is one to be shared with pride...Thank you for posting it here, so the rest of us can enter your world for a moment...Be well, Scribe... Wanda
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