Crisp, clean snow lay on the ground.
The sky a gentle pink.
Flames crackling from the once grand elm,
cut down to give us warmth.
Cold air breathing from the skies.
Charcoal clouds casting cover from the sun.
The aroma of a once mighty creature fills our home.
Ah, another hearty meal.
The mountains rise majestically.
The grasses ripple on the plains.
The thunder of machinery pushing nature back… back…
The highway in place.
Scenic vistas paint picture perfect landscapes
To be admired from our screened in porches.
Remains of our daily life strewn across our yards
As we encroach on the home of our neighbors.
Our neighbors who have thrived.
Roamed free.
Fed upon the land.
They know no “eminent domain” as we take without giving.
The majesty of nature.
The wantonness of man.
Survival?
Life.
Author notes
This is a reflection of how we take for granted the basic "needs" in life and, hopefully, gives another perspective on what the Earth has offered us and how we use/abuse it daily. This is a little different again for me, but I am spreading my poetic wings a little and trying to diversify - it's been a long time since I've written and I'm trying to find my voice again. Bear with me and I hope you will continue to read and support my writing as I go through this mini-evolution process before your eyes.... Thanks for your continued support.
Written January 26th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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what a wonderfully descriptive piece. You have a real talent for setting a scene! I was hooked from the first verse. The imagery was so warm and cosy -
"The sky a gentle pink.
Flames crackling from the once grand elm,
cut down to give us warmth."
That was my faveourite line. Much enjoyed! -
I've read over a great deal of your work now, and finally settled on this, as I felt most connected to the emotions you've displayed here. I'll get right on to giving you your critique, and we'll see where we go from there...
Crisp, clean snow lay on the ground.
I'd remove the adjectives here and replace them with ONE stronger image. "crisp" and "clean" are pretty average in reference to snow, and I'm sure there are probably more creative words you could substitute them with. All it takes is one to make a solid statement.
The sky a gentle pink.
Instead of telling us what the sky is, show us. Gentle pink isn't enough to draw the reader in. Pink as what, for instance. You could say "The sky, pink as gentility" same basic words you used, but it has a better "pop" for the reader, because in this arrangement, it is suddenly a metaphor instead of a statement.
Flames crackling from the once grand elm,
"crackling" is another over-used way to describe fire.
cut down to give us warmth.
Too much of a statement here. Try showing the warmth instead of telling us about it.
Cold air breathing from the skies.
Replace "cold" with something stronger. An online thesaurus is immensely helpful in situations when you find yourself using every day terminology. Really, that's what differentiates poetry from prose... the verbage.
Charcoal clouds casting cover from the sun.
Better description here, but the rest of the line is too wordy. Try keeping this line and the following line more succinct. Make your point in as few words as possible. Nothing should be wasted in poetry.
The aroma of a once mighty creature fills our home.
Ah, another hearty meal.
I try to avoid using words that express reaction, such as "ah", "ow", "ouch", "sigh". These things belong in conversation more than poetry. "hearty" is also a weak adjective.
The mountains rise majestically.
The grasses ripple on the plains.
The thunder of machinery pushing nature back… back…
The highway in place.
Although I like the repetition of "the" (but you could probably cut one or two of them for more impact), you should work with re-arranging how the words appear in your lines. I mean, in poetry, it's not necessary to follow the typical structure of a sentence, and it's allowable (even encouraged) to deviate when you can. Instead of "mountains rise majestically", you could play around with it for something like "Mountains find majesty in rise." Same thing, essentially, but a little more interesting in structure.
Scenic vistas paint picture perfect landscapes
Describe the landscapes verses telling us they are perfect. We want to know what makes them perfect, hence the difference between showing and telling.
To be admired from our screened in porches.
"to be" and "in" can be removed. These are what I call "filler" words, and should always be excluded from poetry, which is concise in verbage... otherwise it wouldn't be poetry, it would be prose
Remains of our daily life strewn across our yards
What are those remains? Describe them. Another instance you should show and not tell a scene.
As we encroach on the home of our neighbors.
Our neighbors who have thrived.
The repetition of "neighbors" doesn't work here. Plus, we also want to know why and how it thrived. Another paint-the-moment kind of instances that I would like to see here.
Roamed free.
Fed upon the land.
They know no “eminent domain” as we take without giving.
Using " " in poetry really irks me. lol. You could easily do without it and still make your point. Or better yet, structure your sentence in such a way that your wording stresses the point verses unnecessary typing elements.
The majesty of nature.
The wantonness of man.
Survival?
Why is this a question mark? You should expound on this sentiment a little more.
Life.
Over all, it's a lofty subject matter, which I greatly appreciate, as most poets these days (myself included) are of a confessional and inward type. I think you could work on presentation and structure, but definitely see a strong base. -
'Crisp, clean snow lay on the ground. The sky a gentle pink. Flames crackling from the once grand elm, cut down to give us warmth...' You've used very descriptive language & made your point easily & succinctly...You've given various examples to define what your subject & motivations are...Keep writing; you'll regain your voice...it ebbs & flows sometimes, while your thoughts are still simmering beneath the surface, even if you aren't aware of it at the time...well done, Poet...Good luck in the contest... 
Wanda
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I like the changing structure of the poem as it reflects how we ourselves change and also how we have changed our environment. An interesting read!
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very deep and very true. your words flowed so beautifully with amazing majesty and a sense of largness. your imagery was wonderful and it was simply a wonderful piece.
keep writing. -
your words have covered just about every abuse of nature and extends into abuse of other humans. very, very good write. your talent for writing is very evident in this
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This is a good piece with some great potential, but I feel it's a little disjointed, particularly the ending. I'd recommend changing the tense here and there and connecting the ideas and images a little more (the imagery is particularly beautiful). Also, I'dd add a hyphen between these two words: "screened in". Keep up the good work
LLLSHJ,
Y. -
Absolutely brilliant. Wonderful imagery and very thought provoking.
"The majesty of nature.
The wantonness of man.
Survival?
Life."
Well done!
Good luck with your "mini-evolution"..seems to be going rather well.
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I love this write!! It is so true that we use to much of what was given to us. You have a wonderful piece of poetry here!! I think the reason why I love this poem so much is how you started it... The first 2 lines,
Crisp, clean snow lay on the ground.
The sky a gentle pink.
Touched a places inside of me which made me want to read on. Your use of diction is amazing, I have to say that this is one of the best poems I hae read here at AP..Snaps for you on that!!
~Cris~ -
When i saw the title I thought it was going to be about Taosim. But it's a wonderful poem anyways, I could really feel the nature and see it in my mind. So peaceful and calming. Very nice.
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Outstanding!
Outstanding write!...if this is an example of what you have been holding back then please release it from your soul and transfer it to print immediately!...these are not just a collection of words you write ...but a string of precious beads each containing the essence of wisdom...regards Dan x -
This was great! I myself love the outdoors and enjoy them everyday. Yet seeing how much we abuse the bit of the world we are gifted with make me sick sometimes. I liked how you described the fire:
"Flames crackling from the once grand elm,
cut down to give us warmth."
This line made gave me a great connection to this poem. I enjoy greatly a fire to keep warm and relax. Another thing that i liked was going from describing the outdoors, trees, air, and mountains. To the destruction of the woods and looking the screen door, showing what weve lost.
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I thought this was very nice!!!!!! I agree that we use the Earth without appreciating it and we take the resources the Earth provides for granted, and we cannot do that. I am glad you wrote such a nice poem to make that point.
~Callie~ -
i guess it all comes down to having enough to sustain life, using what is needed , not wanted, having all you need in life, not all you desire, being content to have enough, not what the jones's down the road might have .....
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A very reflective poem
You're so right - I like the way you infer the way we tend to take Nature for granted - without realising the costs involved. God ceated a perfect world ... it's just 'us' that make it imperfect, eh? I like the tone of the poem and the words you use are very effective. It's a poem that cries out to be read and read again, reflected on, so that the enormity of the way we treat Nature 'sinks in'. Will we ever change? -
Hi, this is a good poem with great feel and a very good message, the trouble with man, he covets everything, and bleeds the land dry, I too have been writing alot on this subject lately, so great minds think alike,lol, loved this write, you have my applause, a big hug Di
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This is an amazing nice piece.
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brilliant poem
so true, amazing -
hmm iwas hoping this poem would actually be about yin-yang. THe ying yang symbol is the symbol for Taoism so I was expecting a depth perception of the relationship between black and white and the indifference they create towards everything and nothing at simultaneous points of time but then you wrote about nature..which is pretty cool..but I don't see why you named it "yin-yang" what does nature have to do with that? Keep writing.
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Pretty good but is not "man" a creature too and part of this great Earth. Loved the write especially the first few verses - kinda lost me when you started presching tho ---
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Beautifully Penned!
This is one magnificent piece of art... one that speaks of what we do to Mother Earth without regretting it. We take from Her but we give nothing in return... we rape Her soil and we forget that for many, many centuries She has been good to us. She suffers but She heals and we can't even see that. This is a masterpiece and I am very happy I took the time to come by and read this poem. Thank you for sharing with me and for the wonderful gift of your pen. Blessed be, Nena -
You've brought up a very important point...a critical one, actually, if we are to survive as a species. We are interrelated to the natural word which we are compromising in the name of "progress." It is vital we find balance with the natural world. At first I was confused about the relationship of the title to the body of the poem...but perhaps I just answered my own question? LOL.
I especially liked the reference..."The aroma of a once mighty creature fills our home." A stark and eloquent reminder that while we call it "dinner," it was once a living being that roamed the earth.
Thanks for this...welcome back to the pen...please keep close to your muse and exercise the written muscle more often.
All the best,
smallmonk -
good
What a comment on the destruction of our ecosystem. I think that you have captured the essence of the beauty of nature, then contrasted it with humanity nice job -
I completely relate to your awareness of nature...beautiful picture. It had me reminiscing times at my boyfriends parents house. Sitting on the sofa, looking out a frosted window, relishing in the heat and basking in the aromas of christmas dinner....mmmmm, lol
More people indeed should be aware of the things we all take for granted...true.
Flawless work, indeed.
I love it!
I look forward to reading more, as your mini-evolution proceeds..
Take care,
~Angel Eyes~ -
we are our own enemies.
Great write. Even though it did bring some melancholy. But the truth is, that's how the world is, and that's how we make it. Thank you for sharing. I doubt things will change, but one can always hope -
well done
Enjoyed the subtle metaphor of the title...Nature evens the score very matter-of-factly with her tunamis, earthquakes and severe weather changes...our ignorance shows in our continuing daily destruction of her perfection...and our arrogance in trying to conquer her leads to even more destruction...how sad greed oversteps our place in the chain of life...there is much to reflect upon in this poem...
The only critique: I feel that the first 3 stanzas and the last are all that is needed to get the point across without becoming too wordy.
Beautiful poem...Janice -
scotlass, this was very true of life, it is incredable how and how many thing that we take for granted and the irony of it all. good and interesting write. iamge and Visions
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How sad it is that we take more from nature each year, and expect things to remain the same as they always were. It is not the same, and never wll be again, thanks to man's need for wanting more. Well written, keep writing.
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I feel the same sentiments often... We sometimes do not see what human expansion can do to nature since we attempt to tame and make it to our own imagery. I really enjoyed the first three verses of this poem the best. They said what you were trying to say without directly saying it and did it so well.. All of the poem was nice, but those 3 verses really spoke to me. -Pome
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A very nice social commentary here in your pastorally-based poem... shades of Thoreau battling the coal-belching steam locomotive... just think, when you advance far enough as a poet you will be writing about fuzzy button slippers...
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I like the images in this, so plain to see and so full of emotion. It's hard to watch nature being taken away from us, when what is given back will never be enough. I miss the days of if you taketh from the earth then you use every crap of it and give thanks for it (as Native Americans did). That was a simpler time, a healtier time for earth.
Great write -
A very beautiful sentiment in this write. I hope others will read and take to heart the underlying message. Thank you for posting this write, you seem to be spreading your wings quite well. Good job, James
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This is beautiful, as a follower of Wicca, I never take from nature anything without giving back in some way, and I have immense respect for Mother Nature. But, as your poem reflects, most do not. I am so glad you wrote of this, maybe it will make someone stop and think for once. I hope so. For what it's worth, may I say that you have gained much respect from me with this write.
~Blessed Be,
~Sherry~
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I've been waiting, and it was worth it. I have a ton of respect for what you are saying here. Where I live we have aligator hunting season because they overrun our areas..but we keep making their home smaller, so what are they supposed to do? We only think of ourselves, and it's often driven for financial gain!
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well written
I have written similar poems on this subject to I am with your
sentiments, well written and I hope someone reads and takes
notice
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