It's been three hours
And seven minutes
Since you left tonight.
Your longest record yet.
I've been sitting in the same chair
Thinking over words that were said,
And feelings that were not (held?)
But maybe tonight was the last fight.
Because there is a season and a time for everything
And maybe this season is over.
Now all I'm doing is praying for snow in May
She comes home
To an empty apartment
He packed up while
She was working to pay the rent
She notes (says?) to herself, "He took my TV,
But [was nice enough to leave?] left me a letter."
Now it's three years
And seven months down the drain.
But there's a season and a time for everything
And maybe this season is over.
Now all she's doing is praying for snow in May
[Bridge]
There is a season and a time for everything
And, Baby, this season is over.
You just want it to snow in May.
Author notes
Collaboration with allpoetry.com/
There still needs to be a bridge, and possibly another verse, and some of the things in parentheses with question marks need editing.
Just asking for feedback.
Written January 19th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
-
bon
are these lyrics for a song? seasons, understood. This poem evidently points out that you are a reflective person. for the character to, in her present circumstance, understand that there are seasons, that she is currently lving in what will be the history of her life. A reflected life is a strong one, one that learns from itself. And poems help. Keep writing Kayla, its good. -
mopey.... dere dere muffin
i'm full of chocolate milk so i can handle this depressing breakup song right now hehe. okies... so you prove that verses can be freestyle without worrying about rhyming... awesome!!!
now for the unlogical things (i'm really analytical... pardon me in advance
and take it as me trying to be helpful in my critique not as an insult to your writing style)
there's some good images in this song, sitting there stunned.... though why would you bother or how long you were sitting in that same chair. what's the sentiment of the chair?
three years and seven months down the drain.... oddly enough that happened to my girlfriend's room-mate... dam that sucks and she was super mopey.... so this scenerio has some connection on a bunch of different levels. the fighting, loss, broken heart etc.
if it's lyrics, though it isn't a solid rule, this seems like your bridge.... label it as such. i might call it a tag-line (bit like a reprise but different from html ) or chorus as it's as good as anything to repeat
"Because there is a season and a time for everything
And maybe this season is over.
Now all I'm doing is praying for snow in May"
also, you had it as (held?) i'd leave it in if you had any thought that it should be there, it's kinda nice way to hold on to feelings. or it could be feelings not told
as for notes/says to herself, go for something way more emo... laments was the word that came to my mind. and all he left me was a half page (business hehe) letter.
brutal that he was packing up while she was making the bacon for the rent... again a really stark image of a empty apartment. also tying together the 3hrs & 7mins to 3yrs & 7mons was a cool idea... only what record was it for the longest fight or longest goodbye kiss? you didn't make that too specific
if you had another verse, what would it be, happy ending getting back together with an old friend and laying in his arms crying or leaving a big angry red handprint on the turd's face??? how does this story end?
overall there's a ton of good emotions and storyline to this song that some pop princesses have forgotten how to do. keep on writing and i'd love to see the results of an second draft if you like any of my suggestions
take care dearie and i hope you don't write from experience
gooday
phil
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