Today I realized,
just how much you mean to me.
How just being with you,
effects me so strongly.
And when the time came to say,
let's go our separate ways,
I realized the worst part of my life,
is the time I spend without you.
The downfall of love,
is this pain that I feel,
this ache in my heart,
whenever you and I are apart.
Without you I feel,
like my whole world is dead,
and I'm so empty and cold,
like my heart's made of lead.
You're the light of my sky,
the apple of my eye.
You're the one and only thing,
that makes me feel like I'm alive.
The downfall of love,
is this pain that I feel,
this ache in my heart,
whenever you and I are apart.
When we're not together,
you're all I think about.
You dwell in my heart,
in my mind, in my soul.
But here alone I know,
when it's all said and done,
when I'm with you again,
then again I'll be whole.
The downfall of love,
is this pain that I feel,
this ache in my heart,
whenever you and I are apart.
The downfall of love,
is this pain that I feel,
this ache in my heart,
whenever you and I are apart.
Author notes
This actually didn't take very long in retrospect. Maybe an hour at best? This is the first piece of depressing poetry I've written in memory, and is indeed based off one of the few depressing trains of thought that I experience in my life of late.
I got the idea for the chorus of this piece after saying goodbye to Katie on the walk home today, as I was missing her exceptionally poignantly, if any of you were confused.
Two last things: One, this is my first ever attempt at writing lyrics, so, please, give me as much constructive criticism as possible, I'd really appriceate it.
And two: I really can't hear this song sung in a male voice, so if that's how you're imagining it then try reading it with a high female voice in mind. If you all like it enough, I might attempt to bribe Katie and Rachel to use this for Anarchy and Apathy, they have the voices for it.
Written January 17th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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Fantabulous!
Pure critique time!!! I'll go verse-by-verse, instead of last attempt's way, which was all-in-one.
First verse - Nice. Could definitely use some rewording, especially with the last line. Key things to remember are the beat and actual sounds of the words. The last line is an irk here. It doesn't fit the rest of the verse at all. Nothing bad, of course, just to use it there would have to be an incredibly wierd beat pattern. The big thing there is the word "strongly," which is a two-syllable word in a line that should end in a single syllable. A bit of rewriting and it'll be perfect.
Second verse - Probably my favorite. Two problems though: It doesn't fit with the rest of the song and it could still use a little wording. "Realized" doesn't quite fit in there... Try something with a softer sound and it should fit fine. As for the verse not fitting, I'm not saying throw it out or rewrite the rest of the song around it. It would be awesome as a bridge instead of an actual verse.
The Rest - All very well-written... Last lines on most of them could be tweaked again, but no huge deal. Make sure to pay big attention to the beat. Even if you don't have anything in mind for a beat, stick to the pattern of one verse for the rest of the song. Doesn't have to be the first (which is generally a little different from the rest) or the last (same), just pick one and you'll be fine. =)
The Chorus - Just a minor suggestion. Last line would prolly work better with "When we are apart."
All in all... I love it! -
Awesome.
Ack.the.sap. This is so sweet, in a depressing kind of way. And you totally don't have to bribe me either, I love this and it would be as great as a song as it is as a poem. -
Beautiful
I love you, Tim, more then anyone or anything in the worldAnd this is sad in a warm and fuzzy kind of way. I'm like, formulating this tune in my head as I read it, and you don't have to bribe us any. This is beautiful, and we'll deffinatly use it (with your permission of course) I don't have much to say. Other then I love you
And we may have to add/ take away a word or two to fit it into tune. But for a first attempt at song writing, this is amazing- my firsy peices were pretty bad. *sweatdrop*
Anyways if I say it again, I may be repeating myself, but I love you, Tim.
x0x0
Katie
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