I was raised as a Catholic
it wasn't my decision
Mass seemed to torture me, like pouring
salt on an incision
As soon as I was born, a great plan
had been devised
They would cleanse my soul of evil by
having me baptized
The plan failed eventually, I had no
interest in contrition
Counting beads for hours, seemed
to me wacky religion
First Holy Communion, dad
thought I did sublime
Then I got caught in the bathroom
drinking the alter wine
Confirmation went smoothe, dad was
proud as he could be
Till he found me in the backseat, where
I lost my virginity
He made me go to confession, so
that I could be blessed
Dying to see a priest blush, I made
up everything I confessed
Dad went to see Monsignor to
discuss all his disparage
How would he deal with knowing his
daughter had sex before marriage?
The father lovingly took his hand and
promised he would console...
Then kindly reminded him they had no
tolorance for Birth Control
Dad made me go back to church
to satisfy his obsession
So I confessed once again, just
to see the priest's expression
Author notes
If God didn't mean us to have a sense of humor, then he wouldn't have given us one!
Written January 16th, 2006
In a list
What did you think
Comments
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*nods* I feel that religion is being forced on me right now... my aunt and uncle force me to go to Highland Park's Church of the Nazarene... you should've seen the look on my uncle's face last Sunday when I refused to take communion
I figure, why bother pretending I believe in something that I don't believe in? Anyways, back to the poem. I loved the sarcasm and humor. I figure, if someone's offended, then they're WAAAAAAAY too uptight... You got to laugh at yourself once in awhile, and I bet whatever God there is would laugh
Wicked poem, and best of luck in the contest
Coconut
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ha ha ha ha ha this truly made me laugh!!!
I think religion is forced upon children, and when they decide not to comply with their parents freak out, not cool at all!!! Great poem. Have you showed your *priest* yet
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Believe it or not... of all religions it is my fav,, BECAUSE of the rituals!! Don't take it so seriously,,, it is in the humor catagory for a reason...
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God moves in mysterious ways, his lavatorial functions to perform. See www.allpoetry.
com/poem/16387 .49 -
while the poem is humorous and doesn't offend me, what does is the obvious glee that people take in bashing what others take as sacred....
i too grew up as a Catholic...never felt anything was "forced" on me, or that anything was nonsensical. As in ANY organization, there will be misled people who are either over-zealous, or misinformed, and do great harm to the general opinion or perception of the organization as a whole.
because some people don't understand the precepts or rituals of a religion, does not mean that the religion itself is bad.
rituals are not empty things...ask anyone who practices wicca or paganism...those religions are rife with symbols and rituals...
so sure,...let's laugh at ourselves, and have fun....but also, let's avoid bashing comments...
just my two cents..
~tryst -
Thanks Nooni... I am glad you enjoyed this.. how the heck are ya anyway????
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Wow,, thanks!!!
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This is really funny... lol
hehehehe very nicely written
Nice choice of words and rhyme
Keep on writing
Nooni
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LMFAO!!! This was SO funny! I love it! Yeah, religion at extremes does seem a bit silly. Love this poem so much i gotta bookmark it! Outstanding work here!
Kitty xx -
Glad you liked, I had great fun with this!!!
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Thanks man, that was so nice...
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naughty
lol...thats a good one loved it -
This sounds like me. I was also a forced-Catholic that was a little hell-raiser. Great job on the imagery. Wonderful work.
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I know God has a sense of humor because he made my brother! HA HA. I loved this. This is one I wish I had written myself!
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I was a little scared but when I saw that you wrote it, I had to click. I think this is one of your best, and I agree, I think God must have a sense of humor.
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Great!!
This was just really great, a very enjoyable read. Religion has always been a touchy subject for me, I find it a little intimidating but, you used humor to make it enjoyable and I really appreciate it. Wonderful work! -
A very interesting write. I love the way you make the narrator seem so paganistic and unholy. I also like the way you make the parent seem so outraged and unforgiving. I especially like the fact that the ending is very open-ended, in that we never really know for sure what the priest, or the narrator, are going to do in the end. A very nice write. A very nice write indeed.
John. -
If it made you then my work here is done!
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Thanks!! glad that you could see it for waht it was...
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excellent
Yeah,i really liked this poem,written so well and worded so well.It's wrong to force a religion on someone,i think we should all be able to choose for ourselves.And i do like bad catholic girls lol.Great Writing.Kenny -
Excellent
Lol so much here i can't type my comment. Absolutely fantastic my friend, this is the best thing I've read all evening thank you for such a fantastic write - Di
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This was really funny! I dont see how nayone can be opffended...its lighthearted humor! Its great! hahaha telling the priest lies to make him blush! I coukld almost see you doing that! I loved it! well done!
Fern
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Thanks,,, it was fun!!
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Great job!
Hahaha... I like this one. Very much so. Very well done! -
the real deal!
Im sure I read this before..but hey..its still as good second time around...and although Im a man I went through the very same rituals...so I know exactly what your talking about!...kudos for writing this...its the real deal! -
LOL~I loved this! I was raised catholic too and this brought back so many memories of the "rules" and how we broke them! Great write and thanks for the laugh!
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OH wow, I can so relate to your poem.I grew up in a religous family, so it was kinda forced on me, but I didn't conform very well.Hehe.I have a poem called my god , if you wanna check it out, but it's more angry then funny.Your writing is great, and I love all your rhymes.I laughed when I read this.Thanks so much for posting because I'm so happy I clicked.Keep up the awesome work! ~Danielle~
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hehe. Not Catholic, but my boyfriend is Mormon, and his mother is the stereotypical super-religious Mormon. We'd been sleeping together for four months and she was worried that he was kissing me. Help.
Anyway, this hit home. Hilarious and true.
Elizabeth
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And you a Catholic my child.
You little Devil you.As a product of a Catholic family and having done my time in a Convent Boarding School know exactly what you are talking about.I was Head Girl in School unti the nuns found out that i was talking to a one armed boy on the hockey field.Oh!the disgrace.A letter was written to my parents who consulted a Priest and a Catholic Psychiatrist but nothing has saved me.Eternal damnation!Oh the abomination.From one lapsed to another.Excellent in terms of style,form rhyme and damning content.Elizabeth. -
I did that once... confessed to something silly just to see what would happen... it was weird... through that I learned to take their sacrament of Confession seriously, even though I am not Catholic... Great poem though.. good chuckler.
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This was really good, bad catholic girls are fun! Thanks for a very funny entry and good luck to you.
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So glad you liked this one,, your welcome for sure and thanks at the same time
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Best read today
This poem was a hilarious journey of sinful delight and it had me laughing the whole way thru wanting more.....
Another great poem!!!!
Such woderful flow, an excellent topic, and the vocabulary you used was masterful!!!!
Thanx again for your comments on my poetry!
You are the best!!!
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Very funny, and it reminds me of a girl I know
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great
that was halarious! i loved it! -
I really liked this! I started reading it thinking it would be a piece that was pretty harsh towards those that force religion on other people, but it turned out much different! Great work
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Really good write and I can sense the "goodness" of the poem....It's tells about That God really cares for you and making your father as instument of His deep love...Am I rigth. It's potrays God great love and reaching out to us that even in our moments of sin He still willing to love you and me.It's amazing and self-introspecting....a good subject of meditation.Thanks!
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this was really brillient!!! i dont think that religion should be forced onto anyone. it should be some thing YOU chose. this was a stunnig poem to put across that point. atleast thats what i got from the poem. i am catholic but only by my fathers choice!!!! so this really brought a smile to my face...so thanx
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Great job, I liked it. It was well written. Though I'm not Catholic I I can sort of relate. Like i said before good work, keep it up.
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I liked this an awful lot!
God's sense of humour, like when a ladybird lands on your nose.
I loved the description in this, and the to the point thing.
Great wording, doesn't seem forced.
Great topic to be inspired by, and for that I applaud you!
Great write!
May God bless you, all the best, peace..Sadie
(I know my applaud won't make much difference but I will anyway for this truly deserving piece!) -
This was funny, I liked it you did an awesome job, I disagree with well most of catholism, But thats just me, lol this was straight up comedy.
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this is so cool
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Oh my god! That was absolutely hilarious! The fact that this does auctually happen to people as well i bet makes it even funnier! I am Catholic myself but i have only just started taking notice the last couple of months when i started to read the bible and pray, though i do NOT go to church. I find it the most boring and utter codswollop on earth. I have to say this was so funny that words sometimes cannot possibly describe what goes through ones mind when i read this sort of stuff. Seriously, more catholics need to loosen up and make fun out of religion as well, as you said god gave us humor and he gave it for a reason. I'm so glad i came across this poem of yours. You gave me a lot of chuckles!
bye for now
michael
xxx -
Someone else pointed that out too..interesting, I'm not sure if I did it on purpose, or if I am just a really bad speller, but it made perfect sense to me!!
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This is adorable! You are one of the few people I know that is now my friend just because you added an e to smooth. I for the life of me can't figure out why that word is spelled without it! I mean, soothe has an e, so why not smooth(e)??
Anyway, this reminds me of my first confession poem. Pretty hilarious!
Thanks for the good chuckle!
Peace, Kelly -
good
So glad you put that in the "humor" category.It IS funny -
If only my dad was the slightest interested in poetry, i would show him this. hes the music director for two parishes in Fort Knox
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Sure fire way to have someone run as if their immortal soul depended on it is to shove outdated ideas down their parched little throats. I found this erily funny. Erie because I've had thoughts such as these and I'm not in any organized religion at all. Food tastes better that way! Thank you for posting something that tickles more than just the choir boys! lol
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I love this. Not only did it rhyme and was it funny, but it made a statement. great work..glad you put it in the box..another great idea
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ok, new catholic youths as in 1960 till now
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I was also raised Catholic and mass was torture but we had a really cool choir teacher so while everyone else was counting beads we were warming up. I highly recommend it!
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Woah......that was great, i'm Catholic to....or was........it seems like most of us new catholic youths tend to do these things. Your not alone in this......it is force fed, your right about that...well awsome poem........it made my day good rhyming to, flowed very well(P.S. as you can see by my name i'm a "bad catholic" also)
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How very funny!
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Awsome comment and I agree totally. I understand teaching the basics to children but this is a rigid religon that is force fed to children who will never understand. I say keep them in Sunday School and let them make up their minds when they understand. Therefore, the converts are better because it was a truly chosen path. Thank you for stopping by.
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The converts to Catholism seem to have a much deeper respect for the faith then many cradle-catholics. This poem substantiates that claim. I enjoyed the read. Where ever your path takes you, enjoy the ride.
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Well it wasn't overly bashing Catholics either..think about some of the older movies like the Bells of St Mary or Boy's Town,,playing jokes on priest and nuns outdate me completely glad you found the humor in it.
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funny
LOL I was just thinking of writing a poem along these lines. This is funny, and I am catholic---backsliding -
Thanks Becky, I am so glad you liked this one. I'm not offended in the least and so far only one person has been. I don't want to offend anyone either, just that I couldn't pass this one up!
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Hysterical MUST READ!
ROFLLMAO
Oh my God! If this is not the riot! I went to click on this thing twice before and it was gone. How glad I am that it was here. I'm printing this out for my Dad. He is going to ROAR! Well, you know how I feel about organized religion, Shawn. Don't get me wrong, any way of worshipping God is beautiful. But I don't like anything that separates man and that's what I feel organized religion does. That's just my own opinion. No offense intended to anyone out there and no offense to to you, Lord 
I just feel that God is everything, everyone and everywhere.
This is quite the humorous write, Hon. Perfect rhyme, flow; the wit in this in unbelievable! I didn't know you had it in you, Hon! Gheeeze, I wish you lived closer. You would be quite the riot to be hangin' with
Much love and s
~ Becky ~
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Well my intention is not to offend truly, though I do understand. Please take it for what it is. If I ever decided to go back to any organized religon, I would be Catholic again. It's really all in jest.
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How strange, you must have been reading mine as I was reading yours!! spooky!
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Love the irreverence....especially the part about losing your virginity in the back seat....still Laughing my bootie off!
:-)
Clever write! -
Thanks,, I remember it well..especially when they started with the face to face confessions insted of in the confessional box..which is what inspired the blushing reference!
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Oh yea! I surely could identify with that! Use to make up confessions way back when.I was too young to really have any sins so I lied about sinning! Loved your poem.
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Cute
I loved it probably because I have little respect for Catholicism. It is a wacky religion and very depressing as well. -
Ah, finally, a person with a sense of humor when it comes to religion! It's always so...touchy a subject. You did a wonderful job of making it a little lighter. Sometimes standing in a church I feel suffocated by all the rules and restrictions and uptightness. I don't really have a religion, but I respect it. But still, you gotta let up on that strictness and laugh at religion sometimes, don't you?
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Good write.
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i love this. the rhymes are awesome. catholicism is stupid. i was forced to be catholic, even went to catholic school. i went to church once since i've been confirmed, and that was because im forced. great poem. keep up the good work. you are clearly a very talented poet.
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Sherry, I gotta admit, this is my definately one of my favs too!
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Awesome!!!
Shawn,
You are such a riot!!
You bad girl you.
Now go say 100 Hail Mary's for your transgressions.
It's so refreshing to see someone with a sense of humor on the religion issue. Besides the fact that this was so funny I pissed my pants, it's also well-written, and flowed like a summer breeze. The meter and rhymes were right on target, and the content was very original.
This may be some of your best work sister dear.
I'm bookmarking it that's for sure!!
Love ya sis,
~Sherry~
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Veeery funny! lol! I'm Catholic and you made me laugh. Actually you touched upon a very salient point. Parents make their children do Confirmation still. And I don't think that's right. When you're 5 years old, you should be made to do the basics. (5 year olds don't always know what's good for them)But when you're doing Confirmation, it should be your choice. So I think Confirmation age should be pushed back to maybe when the person is 21.
Great poem though! -
this poem is kick ass ha ha soo full of rebellion hahahah keep it up man ...
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I enjoyed the poem - but although it is supposed to be amusing. . . it is mostly fact from any Catholic community that I have visited – Unfortunately the pompousness of the religion has been its downfall and it has corrupted many well intended people - Well written – Albert.
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I have to admit that I loved your poem! It was awesome and what made it more so was that fact that I was a catholic at one time. I know what you mean about confession only I was not clever enough to put it down on paper (or computer) Great work!
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Dad made me go back to church
to satisfy his obsession
So I confessed once again, just
to see the priest's expression
I like to do things to see the look on a persons face too. Though Im protestant... we dont have confession... but it'd be funny to see the expression on a pastors face.
Great write. -
this rocks I relate so much to this poem (i was a born and forced catholic... tehn i lost my virginity and moms pissed....)i love this!!! wonderful wonderful wonderful write!!! i am losughing soo hard!!!
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excellent
meter and rhyme are excellent, and am I right in assuming that this is in deadpan voice? I loved how you brought forth the condradictions of the catholic church with the dogged faith of your father. -
Regardless of faith, cause I happen to respect all beliefs, this is meant to be funny, those holding their faith close can enjoy this too cause they are comfortable with it. It's an easy read from the comments from those who are not...thank you for your lovely comment.
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Ugh. Darn system messed up as I submitted my comment.
Great write. Really like this. I think we've all had our moments where we've tried to shock the 'faithful' (unless of course, we are the faithful) This was really nice. Good flow, good rhyme, and great content.
Bestest of wishes
~Meli~ -
If I were to ever re-attach myself to organized religon, it would certainly be this over all others...just remember it is in jest..if you choose to take it too seriously, then it can become sad for both of us...
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Aww. This would have been funny, if I werent crazy about Catholicism. I think it's a beautiful religion. Sorry it didn't suit you.
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That is awesome, i love making up crap to tell the priests at confession, i thin k my dad was upset by the lost virginity before marriage too. Awesome poem, I really cant stand being catholic, the only thing i did like was the music they played, some of it was so dark and gothic like. But anyway, awesome awesome poem. Keep up the great work.
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You've made my night with such an awsome comment and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, send me a link and I am certain to return the favor!
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BLESS ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNNNNNNNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is "miraculous!" Did you and I go to St. Persecutious together? I think so. I ended up and being excommunicated for a laundry list of things - not anywhere near as bad as what the priests in my parish did - and I have pictures. hehehehe! I just had to read this because of the title obviously. I did the whole 12 years in the institution - told my sins in little dark rooms, kiss the rings of old farts with stiff.....collars, took on a name of some saint I didn't know only because it sounded cool, and made all kinds of promises at the age of 12 that I had no idea of what I was saying - but there was a cake waiting and a house full of relatives and a sponsor and, well...you know.
EXCELLENT poem, my sister fallen from grace!
Cris -
Amazing
Lolz this is Hilarious!!! Nice rhyming skills too... Brilliant poem... Funny and all! Nice JOB!!! -
Amazing
Lolz this is Hilarious!!! Nice rhyming skills too... Brilliant poem... Funny and all! Nice JOB!!! -
I love it! Your rhymes work very well. I love the line about the priest blushing. It takes my mind to that moment.. in that confessional.. it's just perfect. The whole poem. Great write.
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Amen about god's sense of humor! hey my family where church goers to...never cared for the church society but i loved the concept of god...nice write spamwitch...and keep on with the confession! good for the soul....
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i like your authors comment, i think i got the bigger laugh. it hit me funny like that. the poem was a good build up to that line. naughty but nice. just the way we like our catholic schoolgirls.
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Very good
Great poem. Being from Ireland I have watched many Catholic children grow to rebel from their strict and somtimes nonsensicle religion. Although I have nothing against Catholicism it often opresses to much. I like the way you showed that but kept a good sense of humour. Well done. -
omg goodness i relate to this poem so well, im finding it hard to keep back th tears of laughter, just everything was amazing in this poem, the rhyming scheme was outstanding and your verses are so funny, being a catholic i kno all this stuff, and hell, if the god looks down on everything the catholic church does then by no i would be in hell for living with my fiance, having sex with my fiance and being in birth conrol, keep penning!
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I can relate to that, I was actually an aunt 3 mos before I was born! My nephew after that,, well, he lives with me and is only 1 year younger! I, myself have no children,,but would love to someday!
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Thanks so much for understanding my humor, I really don't have anything against them, I just don't get how people think that it's sinking in a child's mind,,it's not! As an adult, I've made choices, and I am pretty comfortable with them..anyway,,it's all in good fun!
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I had to smile at this one, too. In the end, I doubt creeds and doctrines make much difference. There are many paths to the same destination. Some are rockier than others, but everyone of them are learning experiences. And some of them are even fun! I'm so glad I saw this! (I am not without compassion for your dad, though. I watched my daughter become a mom at the tender age of 15. I would not have chosen that for her...it does seem that what goes around comes around. She is about to be a grandmother at the age of 33.)
This was fun to read, and so true of human nature.
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Very funny- Darkly funny, but that s my style... I love religious/ dogmatic humor- I believe we cannot take ourselves so seriously
Anyway, I love this poem... I see ignorance in religion/ rituals- There is no action that can save our souls, but really what is in our hearts...
I do not see how we can force someone into something like that and actually expect success...
Great poem, funny, smart, and regretably, It is true
Edited on Jan 17, 5:55 p.m. because ''. -
Yes I can relate. And, though I respect the Marines greatly, I am most certainly convinced that is what made him leave. We dated for 4 years and then he cheated on my while he was in California. He just called me one Saturday and was like I love you but I just can't anymore....yeah that was after a three week long silent treatment and a trip to Arizona lake with "friends"
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OMG! Pick me up off the floor please! Wait...one more laugh...oh ok. Nope,,,still laughing. That was too cute! Very creative and the rhyming was great! Great job!
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Lmao I can relate to this one lol. Great write, great humor! Good luck in the contest!
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I am so honored that you like this, I admire you, so that really means something to me!
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