blue-baked and scattered
on the outside looking in
hung on strings called freedom
puppeteers of fond chagrin
nod of disapproval
digital delight
don't go near the water
or you might die of flight
earn the inner circle
it's a bubble made with soap
bleached white antiseptic
void of spectrum's hope
you won't find your pot of gold
we've got it in our bank
but you will sing our praises
as the empty hits your tank
feed us with your high esteem
you don't need your clothes
we will tell you who to blame
and how your west wind blows
so stop your introspection
let sleep consume your head
and we will show you what to think
while you die of regret.
Author notes
music.asylumsmiles.com/songs/bluebakedandscattered.mp3
Public critique welcome. Let me know if you prefer a different background.
Written January 14th, 2006
In a list
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Thank you for entering the “ALL PREWRITES – NO I’s” COMPETITION” and for responding to my request to avoid "Gloom and doom".. I am now reading and sorting the entries. I hope to have the competition judged - and results posted - by 1.pm today, London time.
Detailed critiques will follow over the next few days.
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Lol, I just realized that you noticed the period at the end of the piece. Often, when I write a piece like this, I just have a compelling urge to hit the period key when I know it is finished
. When it happens, I don't fight it, I just let it be.
I think you are the first person to ever notice and mention it. I doubt that I will ever make a conscious decision to end all pieces written in this style with a punctuation, but when it happens naturally, it is a personal touch. Lol, I am such a rebel in my old age
Thanks for commenting, and glad you noticed
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Wow. Thistle, you blow me away every time. Well, this was a very abstract poem. Besides the fact that I didn't know what you were talking about half the time, a lot of the imagery stood out.
The flow of this was beyond amazing. Every line just wove into the next and it was so wonderful to read.
I love how you didn't capitalize or put punctuation. I really do think it would have distracted the reader from this beautiful piece of art.
Amazing and elegant as all of your poems are.
Tori
P.S. Squee! 1000 comment? WOW. -
Though I prefer some punctuation in my writes, I absolutely understand you don't like that so it doesn't bother me at all
every writes has an own style, so who am I to say to you to change yours
There are some very interesting lines within this poem, that are really thought-provoking in fact wonderful take on the picture.
Thank you for taking the time to enter, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Right on!
An excellent society poem. I liked the "as the empty hits your tank" line, as well as "we will tell you who[this is dative case-grammatically, should be whom] to blame/and how your west wind blows." Rhyme normally annoys me, but your meter here is loose enough that it works for me. I like the way you use abstraction. We have similar lyrical tastes.
Was the period at the end intentional. You have followed the convention of the esteemed Mr. Cummings right up until that dot. Perhaps it is just meant to end the piece. If so, you might also consider capitalizing "Blue-baked." If the period is meant to be anomalous, it doesn't work as well for me, because while the last stanza does end the piece with punch, it also maintains the same tone as the foregoing. Just a thought.
We seem to have similar political views. I actually wrote something with a very similar message (albeit in a completely different style):
allpoetry.com/Poem/1590022
Have you ever read vaseline's work? She never rhymes, but she has a similar style of abstraction. Furthermore, she is one of the best poets on this site, despite her tender age (15). She is a genius. -
excellent!!
I got it Thistle. The New government will get you any way it can...right. Loved it! -
poem for the peole!! brilliant train of thought here and the worst thing about this poem is how sadly true it is, that many will die with such regret, a sham of a world at times and as for human nature it's money nature isn't it, perfectly flawless lol abigailx
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Wow, that was awesome, I loved all of your imagery and your diciton was great!! I loved this piece, and I hope that you win, this was by far the best piece in this contest, great write!!!
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Lol, Meli, glad it was blueberry and ice cream. My favorite fruit anything is blueberry and my favorite ice cream is vanilla . Of course, my favorite food is, well, food.
Glad you liked it. . I am also very glad for the picture prompt, though I am sure people sometimes wonder what the heck I am thinking when I look at a picture, lol.
Edited on Jan 15, 9:12 because ''. -
Doesn't bother me. (not that it helps, considering I'm not judging, but hey!...)
Your poems, for some reason, make me hungry. Now I'm craving warm blueberry pie and a heap of vanilla ice cream. Reading your work just might make me fat.
I like this, though. Very nicely done.
Good luck!
Bestest of wishes
~Meli~
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