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Yesterday i died

Yesterday they killed me

They'd tortured me for years

misused, abused, abandoned

nobody saw my tears


Taking turns, stabbing my way:

who could hit the hardest

But I forgave them all

as I filled of tiredness


 

They watched me bleed

Laughed wildly at my pain

Tortured every inch

and still I forgave

But yesterday I died

I'd finally taken it all

My heart had finally quit

as everyone watched me fall

I was left... quietly, alone

defeated by my world

A shadow hovered upon me

watching me laid curled


 

It reached out a hand

as suddenly, I felt warm

And showed me I am worth it

hense, for I had been reborn

So here I am today

Struggling but well

Licking all my wounds

forgetting all the hell

It's time to start all over

and thank that loving shadow

For giving me a hand

to wander through life's meadow

Author notes

this poem is dedicated to someone who once walked into my life, and for a short while introduced me to the feeling of love. although things didn't work out, i will always love that person for opening my eyes to life. He will never know how much the things he did for me are and were worth, but i will.
Written January 13th, 2006

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • signum-io
    January 12, 2007

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    There is no problem with how the topic was delivered per se. Personally, I like the way the persona (I will call the "I" of the work as the persona ) For one thing, there is some form of justice in this work, since the persona has suffered and endured it, and for a moment there was the reward of being loved.

    Since you have already read my work, and you would notice some basic rules that I follow. (This is only a suggestion -- so don't be bothered by it if it does not work with you. After all, I am just taking on the role of a critic and a reader right now.)

    I had a background on formalism, and based on that method of criticism, it is important that proper sentence structure is maintained, even if the work is chopped up in verse form. After all, there is such a thing as enjambment. This simply means that line cuts do not necessarily mean pauses. Actually, they could enhance rhythm and visual appeal, with the use of punctuation marks.

    It is very strategic, since punctuations allow you to control how a poem is to be read aloud, and therefore allow a certain structure of rhythm that might have not worked without the punctuation marks.

    However, I have also encountered some poets who break these rules. This is not a problem. As they say, "Rules are made to be broken." But in order to break the rules, you must know the rules first.

    It would be nice if you take that into consideration, but don't always abide by it. Some of the greatest poets are great for the very reason that they broke the rules. Perhaps that is one form of deviance that allows the progression of poetry.

    One more thing -- I do not know if at line 10, you intended the use of "Laughted" instead of "Laughed," but using the former helps the rhythm of the line, but the latter would make it errorless. I know sometimes it's annoying to be corrected when it comes to spelling, but I had to point that out.

    In the end, I am only a critic, or an interpreter of the work, with a few recommendations. I hope that you continue writing. Thank you.

    Thank you for commenting on my work, "Pain #325." It is a good sign that there is positive feedback for my second era of writing. :


    • Summer Dawn
      January 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      signum-io

      thanks for your constructive comment on my poem. its nice to hear a true opinion spoken in a formal matter on my end of the spectrum. yeah, i changed the spelling error you'd mentioned. probably got messed up when i downsized it from caps when i first got on the site i had trouble adjusting my eyes to computers, was just a beginner. also, as for the punctuations, i do chose to use them most of the time, but with some i choose not to, such as this one to provide the reader with the fallout of words and emotion that drove me to write this piece in the first place. i tried punctuation in it once, and i was displeased with the way it looked. however, maybe i might change my mind on the piece once more due to a reader's opinion, we'll see. anyways, thanks for all honesty.


  • Whispering Winds
    January 6, 2007

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    Sometimes people are put into our lives for a short time to teach us something. Though we might not understand it at the time, I am sure it does happen for a good reason. I met a great person on AP and we were good friends for a long time.. till one day it all ended. But she taught me so much about myself that I really never knew. I am a better person now because of her.. I am thankful of her and always will be

    Tammy


  • PerfectImperfection
    November 10, 2006
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    This is such an amazing write! Uplifting to all who read these words. Life can be such a struggle; the many cards we are left to deal with.... I can truly appreciate the sentiment here. It is those people who make their mark - not only on out lives, but our hearts, that can stay with us forever; as we are better for knowing them... if only for a moment. Well deserved gold here!!! Best wishes!


  • loneArt
    March 22, 2006
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    Excellent poem

    Oh my! i relate to this write exactly. we have spoken some so you know what i mean. you seem to have written my feelings and views as if i had just dicribed them to you only a moment before. this piece has inspired me in several ways and i'm sure i'll find more inspiration each time i read it. this truly is a gift to us all, thank you.


  • twilight seduction
    February 6, 2006
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    This is very good, and I haven't read a poem in all caps before. It adds to this poem very well. It is a beautiful way to honor one who has introduced love to your life.

  • Elle-jay Jarvis
    February 6, 2006
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    great

    what an amazing piece, you are just so talented!!!!


  • Sylvyrwyng gold member
    February 6, 2006
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    Beautiful and loving hon.. exquisite. Thank you for sharing and being so creative.

1 - 8 of 8