Soon I shall take my last breath,
And take my toll upon death,
My lungs will fill,
Then a sudden chill,
I'll tape my mouth and nose,
Then drift off into a dose,
My eye lids will drop,
And my heart will stop,
And I'll be never more,
As I lay dead there on the floor,
Then I'm found,
Not a breath,
As a woman says "death sweet death",
In my life,
My heart was sore,
That's why I walked to heaven's door.
Author notes
death to all option 2/ Darkness Consumes
A contest entry
- short POEMS - many emotions by Paint this Town Red.
401 points, ended January 13, 2006, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blinded Sorrow by EvenStarsBreak--x.
450 points, ended June 3, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ 5-20 lines ♥ Anything Goes! by vampireblood.
410 points, ended June 5, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - contest!!! (no rules) by nobodys-girl.
1700 points, ended July 5, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything that has good rhyme!(pre-writes allowed) by ExpectingMommy18.
650 points, ended October 25, 2007, 73 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything that is funny,or dark and visually appealing by Alive Again.
550 points, ended April 11, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - JUST TWO DAYS TO REACH 1000 ENTRIES !!!! ( BE A PART OF THIS RECORD BREAKING CONTEST ) by Alex Hex.
300 points, ended May 1, 2008, 526 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter All Your Personal Writes Here (Part IV) by xxRainbowDawnxx.
900 points, ended May 24, 2008, 208 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark As You Want It......... by GypsyEyes.
525 points, ended June 17, 2008, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark PW's by RX-Queen.
900 points, ended June 26, 2008, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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awww this is so sad... it's such a shame when pain and aches in our life make our life hard to bear and not worth living to us anymore.
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kinda of macrabre.... thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
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I really liked this piece, it flowed very well. I also liked the rhyme. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
great poem... really full of emotion... good job and thanks for entering my contest... ^-^
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Don't be bias towards death, explore life, fi
When you comit suicide, you do not go to heaven. But who is to know for sure... -
excellent
i love this poem totally. i like how the words in the ending of a sentence ryhmes with the last word of the last lines before it. this is truly amazing. i'm very impress.
My heart was sore,
That's why I walked to heaven's door.
i love those two last line. this is simply amazing. -
good
wow... this poem wasn't very long... but it was really good... i really enjoyed reading it... keep writing... you seem like you have a lot of skill -
good
wow... this poem wasn't very long... but it was really good... i really enjoyed reading it... keep writing... you seem like you have a lot of skill -
Great
This was a really cool poem... it was kind of short, and really left me wanting more. The ending was so quick, bam, and hit me in the face... it was great! I think you need to work more on the flow of the poem; the rhythm falls apart a bit in some places. Your rhyming was good, except you shouldn't have repeated 'death' and 'breath.' Also, this is just an opinion, so no need to follow it:
"As a woman says "death sweet death."
I myself do not like this line. It is not really strong, but it still brings across the point that you are dead now. It would be better if you didn't put "death sweet death"... that just sounds a bit odd. Even a quote would not be the best idea... but all of it is up to you since you are the author!
Also, this line:
"That's why I walked to heaven's door."
would sound better like this:
"That's why I walked into heaven's door."
or like this:
That's why I walked through heaven's door."
I enjoyed reading this poem... very well done. I like how you quickly switched from all the sad into the happy ending... that had a great effect on me as the reader. Good job and keep it up!
Julia -
Applaud
To stop the breathing we must use tape, to stop the heart, we must lose any hope. An excellent poem that reflects the despair of a lot of people and is well worhty of applause.
georges. -
this is a great poem, full of emotion.
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Critical
You seem to romanticize suicide/dying. It's definitely a different approach. It's very different from the way death, especially suicide, is thought about. Not many think those who commit suicide are going to heaven.
Beyond that, your rhythm seems inconsistent. The beginning has a certain rhythm that you lose in the middle and re-gain just in time to finish the piece.
I'm sorry to say that my overall opinion of this piece is not good. It's a different approach, but that doesn't make up for the fact that you're brushing off the whole suicide aspect to romanticize dying. That fact alone makes this piece very awkward and "hard to swallow."
Interesting approach, though. -
Wow that was so descriptive and full of emotion! You did a really great job writing this. The ending was different, which made it really good, engulfing the reader from start to finish! Good work! Keep writing
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Great write
I've never read a death poem with a semi-happy ending before. But now I have. I like it. I never thought anyone could pull it off either but you did. Good job. Good luck in the contest as well. Keep on writing. SINcerly -Amanda* -
Wow a death poem with a semi-happy ending ( besides for the fact your DEAD-read my lips D-E-D dead hahahahahaha!!!!!! oh shit I need a drink) never thought Id see that one coming...
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i like the fact that you have uplifted the ending (which is wat i asked for) this is good, best of luck
Adding your comment:
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