Tender flames from flickering candles, highlight depressing crimson rooms
Standing tall and proud as heroes, forcing shadows in the gloom
Sumptuous fresh white silks, festoon across the alter
A scorned woman lays quite still, shallow breaths - she dare not falter
Vulnerable in her nakedness, her beauty still sublime
His eyes ablaze with odious hate, no forgiveness for her crime
She hears her sisters chanting, sees the shimmering blade of death
Chilled, as sweat settles on her carcass, she knows, soon her final breath
Gently he kisses her breasts, then leans to her and whispers
This is for you my love, from me and all your sisters
From his cloak he draws a needle, and closely inspects the tip
Forcefully he holds her mouth, then pierces and sews her lips
Soothingly, he strokes her face, then holds the needle to her eyes
What the future holds my child, should come as no surprise
He pricks her eyelids torturously, she tries so hard not to scream
Her mouth still sewn and tightening, she is slipping into a dream
Her pain, intense and focused, threads that can’t be broken
Now her cries, she cannot keep, lips shred, red floodgates open
Warm blood is overflowing, still, he continues with his work
Screams echo around the hall, the crowd is going berserk
Surreal angels call her name, she’ll bleed to death, no doubt
Oozing blood from eyes and lips, sisters’ chantings turn to shouts
With the handle of the knife, heavily he pounds her chest
Crushing muscles, bones and veins, and they splay across her breast
He slashes at her violently, and sears her flesh apart
With razor sharp precision, cuts out her beating heart
He hurls the prize into the crowd, frenzied, they shriek and dance
Charlatan, Satan’s Charlatan, released, at peace. Deliverance.
Author notes
Dark
Written January 10th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- DARK & UNNATURAL! by Asylaarix.
450 points, ended December 17, 2006, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkest by Shiro Okami.
816 points, ended March 1, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me puke, I want the sickest shit out there by Aroarathebloody.
800 points, ended August 22, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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I thought it was good, but not gory enough
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This is very, very good. Excellent even.
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just AMAZING ........ i musy tell this is a great piece.....keep writing like this
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GOREY INDEED!
FANTASTIC!!!! this is one of the best pieces I have ever read ... so full of imagery ... the description was so amazing ... the blood ... the gore ... the rhythem and flow ... this was fantastic ... wow ... I love the use of language as well ... you really did a number with this one ... wonderfully written and great job sweety ... good luck in the contest! -
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You write quite well in the dark genre. Maybe you should write more of them. Nothing like a human sacrifice or execution whichever the case is here. It almost made me cringe.
Thanks, Andy -
Damn, girl! I love this so fucking much. It's amazing. I love the darkness, the word choices, the storly line.. I love it. I would say more but I have a horrible caffeine headache. However, I still got a big flashing 'amazing' from this. ..That's hard for me to get with one of these headaches, well done.
<2+1&poison~kisses~so~delicious
-Allure of a Rose- -
creepy
Hey, REALLY twisted, I love it. Very nice imagery and a good story (well I guess it depends on your definition of good
). This is the perfect entry for a contest like this. I can't really highlight any favorite parts in my mind; the whole things just flows together and it's a wonderful piece. I hope you're proud of it. Good luck in the contest
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fantastic
this is really eye opening. it catches the imagination straight away lead me into a little world for a minute or two. -
sheesh!that's excellent!i totally love it,great imagery and fantastically written,it reminds me of an old horror film,can't remember what it's called though!
i'm impressed!
cheers!
alex
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You know though, what's really scary bout this...is that, it's out of my head. Hehehe, pushes machete back under pillow, and smiles sweetly Dark, is not my thing, gimme some nice romance, or adult humor! Ty for commenting, and the applause too. And my lawnmowers broken.
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phewie - a nice cheerful read. i was just geting settled then to read a nice bedtime story to msyelf, now i am going to stay awake forever, well ok maybe till 10.30 nice sewing kit.
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oh man!! this is amazing... a sacrifice in the name of satan.. now that is awesome.. i could feel all the emotion the girl was going through and picture everything in my head.. its wonderful and beautifully written^.^
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omg, this is morbid as all hell, but very dark, and dark is what I asked for. It made me sick, and for some reason reminded me of Hanibal Lecter. (The sick fucker)
Anyway, this poem was excellent. The darkest yet. Great job!
Good luck....
Saddened Amber Eyes -
this really did send chills down my spine. great job..and by the way, i'm sorry about the whole line-limit mix-up, that was my fault (duh)
good luck
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***judge***
wow!
weell donne
gr8 write
but loads more to judge
xxhgxx -
hello DK, ummmmm, this has been more a pain in the arse than a gem, and this is about as dark as i can go, i hate the dark, even now. anyway, thank you for reading and commenting too. sj
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Sara, Sara, Sara! You have been hiding this gem from me. You know I love the dark works. Now that I have read this, I am in awe and very happily amazed by your creation here. Such intense darkness. I was drawn in immediately and kept prisoner by the imagery and words. I loved it. I see that you have another dark write as well. I shall have to read that one too. Ahh the darkness speaks... ]>-} Darker
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Ty Terrianna for commenting, ummmm.....yes it is rather deep and dark....gimme hot and humerous anyday!!! glad you enjoyed it. tc. sj
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So Superb
WOW, this was extremely Dark, but you made death seem beautiful in a twisted torturous sort of way, i loved this, it was scary and emotional, packed with f'ing awesome imagery, I loved it, It kinda reminded me a little of my poem Darkness Rules All...Very deep and chilling, this was so superb!!!!!!Thanks for entering it and the best of luck!*HUGZ* Take Care!
~Terri Anna~ -
hi MD, if you read the comments, you will see this has been the biggest pain in the ass of a poem for me. But im pleased you enjoyed it. ty for commenting. much appreciated. sj
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This poem is knee-deep with intense imagery, and that's probably what makes it so good. I commend you on a wonderful job, and hope to see more of your powerful writing in the future.
<3Nikki
Edited on Mar 13, 2:14 p.m. because ''. -
ty for commenting, i wrote this for a particular contest. I think this is the worst thing i have ever written. And still im not happy with it. I suppose really, im not into this kind of dark writing. sj
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i absolutely positively love this poem! it's so intense, and i love that..wherever you got your inspiration from i'm glad you got it..this poem is amazing..the emotion throughout this was so invigorating. i loved it..another amazing job on this poem.
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Hi poess, am pleased you enjoyed this, and thank you for commenting too....i will take a peek at your prophecy...tomorrow...but for me...the dark stuff, well its just not fun enough for me..
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Hello Vera, gosh, this is an epic critique, for which i am thankful. OK, ive amended the typos, because thats quick and easy. When ive recovered from writing this time consuming pain in the ass of a poem, i will certainly take on board all your comments, and try to knit it together. Thanks once again, much appreciated.
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very good
I liked this very much. It painted such a vivid picture for me. Nice use of words and I thought the flow was very good. I very much enjoyed it. I have 1 dark one I wrote called "the prophecy" that was my first try at it.
Again I thoroughly enjoyed this peice. -
To maintain the kind of 'dark' atmosphere you are aiming for, your poem needs to be very well crafted... for the reader's nerves are keyed up... and at the least flaw in the poem are liable to seek relief from that tension in laughter... So it is very important to avoid any slips that can break the tension. (It takes great expertise to relieve dark tension by laughter without losing the atmosphere... Shakespeare managed it in the 'porter' scene in Macbeth, but how many Shakespeares are there?)
So please, watch even the smallest points that can jar and break tension, including spelling and grammar (you surely mean "altar" not "alter" and 'lies' not 'lays' in stanza 2). Also, watch your rhythm (yours seems rather uncertain in places). And be careful of expressions that seem to have been introduced simply to provide a rhyme (e.g. 'no doubt' in stanza 13) - since these also produce a sense of 'let-down')
I also feel that expressions such as 'perspiration beads upon her nose' could be laugh-provoking (perhaps because 'nose' also appears to have been chosen simply for the rhyme). One needs the physical details, yes... but they have to be very well chosen to maintain the atmosphere...
As to length.. a poem is only 'too long' if the build up and poetic 'tension' are lost, so that the reader loses interest. But - again - to maintain this kind of 'Gothick' tension at length is horribly difficult. Again, yes, it can be done... see Browning's 'Childe Roland'... but it does need considerable expertise... and experience...
However, in spite of all these points, I do commend your valour in tackling the very difficult task of building and maintaining atmosphere... If you work on this poem a little more, it could be something you will be really proud to have authored. -
Smiles, each to their own. Have a nice day
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hi loneArt, thank you for commenting...i have to say, it scared me as it popped up on the paper.... am really pleased you enjoyed it, but you know since i wrote this, i felt i had to balance my writing, with a bit of humor and haiku! Thank you for the compliments
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Hi Victory, thank you for commenting, by my usual standards, this poem is epic, and you kinda get lost in your own words, however i've read this ohhh about 6 million times, and this is as tight as it gets! This is my first really dark write, and probably my last too! But i really do appreciate your comments. Thank you
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Amazing
Wow...Wow. this was so gripping. i love darke poetry and write alot of it myself, but this actually scared me. i love it. this one i'll bookmark. the imagery was perfect. i felt as though i were watching this evil take place. you have a great talent. Amazingly dark write! -
Hi Axion, thank you for commenting, i dont think its really my thing, this dark stuff...much prefer the humor, although my humor is a bit ummmm...off the wall i guess...anyway, ty for the comments, i do appreciate it.
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This sounds a little like a gothic pop song, perhaps sung by my favourite Greek goth group, Statues of Necrophilia or by another excellent band, The Seven Pillars of Sodom. I quite liked it. Well written.
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