Poor dimwitted foolish Jack
Had sold his family's cow
For just a handful of stupid beans!
Oh what should he do now?
Toss them out the door, you say?
For that's just what he did
(If only the story ended here
For this unlucky kid)
He awoke to find where they were tossed
A beanstalk many stories high
And like the brilliant dolt he was
Thought to rob a castle in the sky
He knew of the rich giant there
Of whom the legends told
And that he had a bottomless sack
Filled with pieces of gold
He grabbed the bag of loot, alright,
While pissing off it's owner
And that's when, trying to escape,
Jack pulled his fateful boner
Only a candle blocked his escape
And he was neither nimble or quick,
So although he got away with the cash
He suffered third degree burns on his... manhood
He went to the best surgeons
That a pile of gold could buy
But the news they had for Jackie boy
Would only make him cry
To fix his damaged genitals
Would be far too complex
And so the surgeons had no choice:
They had to change his sex
Jack changed his name to Mary
And I heard she's missing now...
I bet you she probably wishes
She had just kept the stupid cow!
Part 2: Whose Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?
Whose afraid of the big bad wolf?
"Not I!" said each little pig,
"Me neither!" chirruped little red
When he wore her grandma's wig
The wolf knew no one thought him fierce
And as wolves go he was small
With tears in his eyes he realized
He wasn't big or bad at all
"Perhaps it is time for a new career
One where I could strut my stuff
I'll become a brand new animal
And let everyone know I'm tough!"
So he wished hard upon a star
The first he'd seen that night
And prayed to be some other beast
One that suited him just right
He came down from that mount anew
So hungry he thought he might hurl
When on the road ahead of him
He spied a little girl
Licking his lips he charged at her
"Oh thank the heavens! Fresh meat!"
But when in the lake he saw his face
He let out a startled bleat
What was this then? It couldn't be right
Had he really been such a creep?
Whose idea had it been upstairs
To turn him into a baby sheep?
He knew he would not last for long
Against the rest of the pack
So when the girl came strolling by
He followed closely behind her back
The once mighty big bad wolf
For his crimes was forever damned
And the girl, for a time, was so happy!
Mary had a little lamb!
Part 3: Mary Had a Little Lamb
Mary had a little lamb,
A side of peas and carrots
Pie for dessert, lemon meringue
A cheap wine that had it's merits
Then thought she, "It serves you right
Always following me around."
Suddenly from her front yard
She heard an eerie sound
The bleating of lambs in mourning
At the loss of one of their own
Mary didn't know what to think
And wished they would leave her alone
That's when she saw them coming closer
Right up to her front door
They rammed and clawed showering splinters
All over her cottage floor
She screamed and tried to run away
But they were at the back door too
Scared to death, she hid in a cauldron
She didn't know what else to do
When things got quiet, she did not move
Tried hard not to breathe
Why wouldn't those pesky lambs
Just let her alone and leave?
When at last she tried to lift the lid
She discovered that she could not
It didn't take long for Mary to notice
It was starting to feel hot
She tried to scream but just passed out
Never more to wake up again
And I am afraid that this is where
The fairy tale finally ends
I apologize to you kids, I know
This all was a trifle scary
But now everybody knows of the night
The lambs had a little Mary
Part 4: Mary Had a Little Funeral
Mary and her lamb were dead
It was a crying shame
But only those two idiots
Had themselves to blame
A funeral was planned for them
But no one cared or came
And so only Mary's mum was there,
Her head hung low in shame
"If only they could still be here
I'd give anything at all"
And then, upon her fateful words
The rain began to fall
An earthquake shook the small graveyard
The ground was torn asunder
A shocking thing was taking place
A magical moment of wonder
Mary was once more whole again!
Her lamb was there as well!
Oh what a happy ending
To this twisted fairy tale!
Mary never ate lambs again
And took up gardening instead
Everyone thought her quite contrary
Until she fell in love with Little Red
They opened a little flower shop
And Silver Bells are what they sell
But that *censored* Snow White just doesn't approve
And hopes the lesbians burn in hell
The lamb became the Big Bad Sheep
The toughest of the flock
He finally caught those bloody pigs,
Much to their awe and shock
And so we bid these two farewell
Hopefully for good this time
I think there's been enough twisting
Of this particular nursery rhyme!
LOL...or not! Spin-off #1: Little Red
Little Red was off the hook!
The big bad wolf was gone
Granny willed the house to her
When she turned twenty-one
So on that day she moved right in
That cottage in the woods
And soon that wily woodsman took
To peeking at her goods
Through windows and doors, tiny cracks
He watched her while she bathed
But something was about to happen-
He wishes he had behaved!
He didn't notice the flash of light
While tugging at his meat
What he was touching felt totally wrong
And he turned white as a sheet
For in his hand, all shriveled and cold,
Where his manhood used to be
Instead was a new kind of morning wood,
A tiny little tree!
Just when he realized that his twig
Had lost all of it's power
He noticed a very naked Mary
Entering Red's shower
But alas, he could only watch and whine
And eventually shamble away
Shaking his head in disbelief
That Little Red was gay
Meanwhile the girls whilst showering
Had themselves quite a giggle
(A shame the woodsman had to miss it
For it caused their boobs to jiggle)
Red's mom had caught the pervert at last!
There would never be another!
Just goes to show it has its perks
To have a Fairy God mother!
The big bad wolf was gone
Granny willed the house to her
When she turned twenty-one
So on that day she moved right in
That cottage in the woods
And soon that wily woodsman took
To peeking at her goods
Through windows and doors, tiny cracks
He watched her while she bathed
But something was about to happen-
He wishes he had behaved!
He didn't notice the flash of light
While tugging at his meat
What he was touching felt totally wrong
And he turned white as a sheet
For in his hand, all shriveled and cold,
Where his manhood used to be
Instead was a new kind of morning wood,
A tiny little tree!
Just when he realized that his twig
Had lost all of it's power
He noticed a very naked Mary
Entering Red's shower
But alas, he could only watch and whine
And eventually shamble away
Shaking his head in disbelief
That Little Red was gay
Meanwhile the girls whilst showering
Had themselves quite a giggle
(A shame the woodsman had to miss it
For it caused their boobs to jiggle)
Red's mom had caught the pervert at last!
There would never be another!
Just goes to show it has its perks
To have a Fairy God mother!
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