Dusk is a funny word, you say
and I laugh at you sweetly
(a child's mistake)
because really you are a child
(not sweet and innocent)
but still lost in the world
knowing what you want
but never reaching it
(cookie jars go on counters)
and I cry for you
like ripping off a scab
even though it'll only grow back
(children never listen)
but you're not a child
(you will never grow up)
yet constantly I act
as though I'm the mother
you lost so long ago
(too young to grasp death)
sometimes it's tiring
but no matter what
i cant send you to the real world
(so protective of my baby)
because I fear for your safety
(don't cross the street alone)
Author notes
This is about how I feel like sometimes my boyfriend expects me to act like his mother. It's kinda random and not too good.. help is appreciated.
Written January 7th, 2006
A contest entry
- PAY IT FORWARD....again by Thedragonisgone.
300 points, ended October 30, 2006, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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You're right about the a I thought I had fixed that...I appreciate your suggestion, but I like the parenthesis...
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I like the message you're putting out here. Boys will always be moma's boys, I think and they are alwasy looking for someone to be their momma. Don't get me started!
Anyway, as far as poetically - some fo the phrasing I liked. The parenthesis didn't help, I think. The fourth line you need an "a" before child. Instead of parenthesis try commas - see what that looks like. Thanks for entering. -
Splended
I am from CCA and as you know I new at this, but here I go. This is very deep, it almost gives a whole different view then you are trying to set(like the baby is your boyfriend). From the view there is a lot of pain and protectiveness.The poem is hard for me to follow with the explainations. After reading it a second time, it is a splended poem. -
I was kinda going for repetitive like to children you hafta repeat it things a bagillion times
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very nice mummy
yes I like this its raw and really direct i feel the emotions not angry but sad poem seems loaded like a really big storm cloud liked the juxtaposed idea of the adult still being a child in this poem, and although the short lines are quite simple i thought helps the reader relate to the image of a mother speaking to a child. I'm just learning about rhyme and poetic structures at the moment, so it's nice to read something different. the only critical thing i could say was that there was some repetition, but you might have intended that.. overall, good poem! -
Hi, I'm from the CCG but I'm new to writing so take what I say with a pinch of salt. I genuinely love this one. The thoughts and feelings that come thru in it for starters. I particularly liked the lines you bracketed. I personaly loved that and think it works great with this one. The only thing I found off-putting (tho maybe I'm missing a point here lol) was your use of ’ in certain words. I personally found it very distacting which is a shame coz I think this is a great write. Well done and keep experimenting, it's the best way to learn and improve.
Peace n love to ya,
Roz.
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