You are all I desire
when I retire
But before your name swam in my veins
I was an improvident moaner.
Now that we are together
my petrous heart is aflame
nothing is the same
Driven by my infatuation
yet infatuation does not last
like my depression,
this obsession shall not pass
So intoxicate me with your scent
mesmerize me with how your smooth hair dances, dances a tease
like a flower in the breeze
the breeze of your whisper
Then kiss me with your lips that are impeccable
I see the soft ridged texture
compelled to message the incomparable
Lay in bed with memories
as they pour into the night sky
the round white ball casts a shadow on the willow
death may carry me by
But there will still be those memories in the sky
of how I loved you with all the passion in my soul
so to let them know
the sky taught the birds to sing her name
so now they wail out their cry of Kirsten, forever in pain.
-Casey Greene
Author notes
This poem was written for Kirsten to let her know that if anything ever happens to me all she has to do is read this poem (the sky.)
Written January 7th, 2006
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Thank you for grabbing my attention to those errors of mine. I changed line 3, but not lines 9-11 for it means both of those examples you used. I'm saying infatuation has a short term meaning and I have depression and obsession problems so I'm crazy about her and I'm going to stay in love with her for a long time.
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Hi
Here is the critique. Thanks for entering this into the Contest. I have enjoyed reading it, and I thank you for bringing this piece to my attention. There is a wonderful sense of "eternity" to your love, which is aptly reiterated in the title of the poem, which I thought extremely fitting to this piece. The ending was quite dramatic and sad, rather dark too, but effective. Sentiments are used effectively, and there is strong imagery throughout. The flow is relatively smooth and comfortable when reading, and it enabled my enjoyment further.
Editorial
^^^^^^^^^
Line 3) I found this a little awkward; veins tend not to swim; the blood swims in the veins. After all, veins are not free-floating, but fixed. I thought this line could be rearranged, to say the name swam in the veins; this would not deviate too much either, from your rhyme-match with aflame.
Lines 9-11) Line 10 is quite ambiguous, and it made these three lines difficult to interpret. This is because it is not easy to determine where line 10 connects to. ie is your intention to state: infatuation does not last as long as your depression? or that, like your depression, the obsession shall not pass? It could be taken either way, so you would do well to make it clear where line 10 holds most relevance to, for your message to come across firmly and immediately. I see someone else in the messages above already suggested a revision/further consideration in this region of the poem, but you have not as yet given more consideration to it.
I hope this critique may prove useful. Again, many thanks for sharing.
Regards
Stuart
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good one i liked it it was moveing keep it up
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good
touching nice job well written keep up the good work -
Thanks for this submission. I will be giving full critiques to all submissions into the Contest, at some point likely mid-week, if not sooner.
Regards
Stu
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Nice to leave someone one something that reminds them of you - this verse is so filled with love and emotions, would make anyone feel better reading it.
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One step at a time
You wrote:
You are all I desire
when I retire
BUT! (is there not so very often, almost always, i think, a BUT!). This next part is building up to the real objection, which i'm not pointing out quite yet:
But before my veins swam with your name
I was an improvident moaner.
Now that we are together
my petrous heart is aflame
nothing is the same
Driven by my infatuation
Now here comes the ZINGER! ==>
yet infatuation does not last
like my depression,
this obsession shall not pass. [I put the period on there for you, because the period helps to put a touch of seriousness in your otherwise very good poem. Now, the "shall not pass" using the "shall" more favoured by the Irish than the hitherto more proper "will" adds a flavour of "recovery philosophy." And that's okay. That's good. Isn't recovery what this poem is about, in a way? -
Wonderful! Poetic and sweet! Intensly about love. Makes you dream....
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Nice Write!..very well written, emotion, detailed, inspiration...[very sweet, hope all is well]
-JokerSweet- -
This is a wonderful piece. It really left me thinking... great job. I'm not one for love poems, but this one truly caught my eye and kept me reading. Bravo!
Brandon -
really good i like the words you use you have a good vocabualary good luck
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I love it. I think she will too. (HUGS)
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