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Joanna

Come, listen to the story of Joanna,
A lady fair of face and, what is more,
An heiress to a fortune that seemed manna
To any young man gently born, but poor!
Except - the lady never ceased to chatter,
So of no horde of suitors could she brag,
For did one pay her court,
She would cut the romance short
With the everlasting natter of her nag
As she went:
'Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer!'
With tongue relentless as a blacksmith's hammer!
Ignoring rules of syntax and of grammar,
She went
'Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-YAM!'

Now, Hector was a man of resolution.
He vowed to win her (and the money, too!)
And live in marriage without noise pollution;
He was convinced he'd found the thing to do!
He said: 'I'll stop the lady's mouth with kisses,
Then in marital rapture we'll rejoice!'
But when they went to bed,
Why, she simply turned her head,
And instead of wedded bliss he got her voice,
Going:
'Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer!'
- A racket guaranteed to ruin glamour!
Oh, couldn't scientists device a jammer
For that
'Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-YAM!'?

Poor Hector soon grew frantic with frustration!
Her decibels drilled through his anguished brain!
He took an axe and -  yielded to temptation...
And at his feet Joanna tumbled slain!
So now he's serving twenty years in prison;
But, oh, the penalty that stings the most
Is the fact that every night
He is haunted by the white
Ectoplasmic vision of Joanna's ghost,
Going:'
Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer!'
He gets no respite even in the slammer,
For death itself can't terminate the clamour
Of that
"Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-
Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-
Yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-yammer-YAM!
(Yammer-YAM!)

Author notes

As some readers have already guessed, this poem is intended to be sung! However, I am not computer-skilled enough to transmit the music to you!

A contest entry

Please do not feel obliged to comment - and if you DO comment, please understand that it may be some time before I respond.

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    August 8
    Edit | Reply
    Awh this was funny
    I like it, it was unique, I've never read anything like it before.
    Thanks for entering and best of luck!
    xoxo.


  • Heva Feva
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    "Now, Hector was a man of resolution.
    He vowed to win her (and the money, too!)
    And live in marriage without noise pollution;
    He was convinced he'd found the thing to do!”

    These are my favourite lines! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
    -heva♫


  • Peripatetic gold member
    November 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is great! I am a lifelong reader of Ellery Queen and Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazines, and this reads like one of the more humorous short stories in those monthly anthologies. (EQMM also publishes poetry of this genre!)


  • poeticcaresses
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lol ok, this did make me laugh and it IS poetic justice. Should have tried earplugs! Thanks for entering!


  • Night Terrors
    August 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    um ok this was kinda funny not sure if it was suppose to be but god it cracked me up thanks for enterin


  • KateMadness
    June 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    :]

    Truly, a funny work to me.
    I like it. A kill that just...makes me laugh. Poor man, I would surely try to help him...
    :] Good luck; thanks for the 'Sweet Dream'.


  • Wearychild
    April 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I was confused kinda confused until i read in your AN that it was meant to be sung. I would have killed her too if i had to endure all that noise. Dark Humor I like. Good luck!


  • harajukuprincess
    November 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Perfect! Dark funny and twisted...everything i could ask for! I was laughing after the first line...hehe... Plus, I love how it sounds like an old bar song youd sing with your buddies after a hell of a lot of drinkin! Bravo!!! Thanks for the entry! ~~Hara


  • Antipodi
    September 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the Lyric Feel of this Piece ...Good Luck in the comp...You can have two entries but no more than that


  • Xsafety glassX
    May 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    haha!! he still hears voices!! thats funny...

    thanx for entering


  • One Eunique Pixie
    April 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed this. That Joanna got what was coming to her with the axe. Lol. Though I think that the poor guy was injust in being haunted. Poor Fellow. Thanks for sharing. Love and Peace, Charlene.


  • BriannaBrumfield
    June 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Ha my mom used to tell me when I was a child that noone in their right mind would marry me for that same reason...and I have no money! This was funny. You got a good hearty laugh out of me. Thank you very much for entering.

    Your total score: 9.3

    Chocolate Spear of Destiny


  • tarnishedheart
    April 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    To be able to win a slam is an amazing thing to me, and to alot of other people I'm sure, but to me it would just be amazing. I love your style, so different than the others, thank you so much for entering!

  • Vera Rich
    April 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This was one of my three entries in the Farrago 10th anniversary slam in 2004. However, so that the judge of this competition can maintain a "level playing field" I shall not say what the result was!


  • FlamingoCroquet
    February 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Hahaha! I love this! Good luck in this contest, this is hilarious and tasteful, very nice. :-)


  • Mechanical Angel
    February 17, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Very cute. I like this, and it's a good representation of why I run these contests. Nice job and good luck in the contest!

    Mech

  • GarbageCan
    January 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    lol that's great i love the flow, I would love to hear it put to music! lol but that has great flow and the description is well done! excellent job on it!

1 - 17 of 17