Dusts fill up the heavens,
And a grey is woven across the dome of hope,
The screams are silenced by a relentless trigger,
Some Buddhas may have died.
The saint across a precarious ledge,
Who once created rapture with the might of his sword,
Now lives under a puddle of blameless red
And in a garden where flowers bloom no more....
Author notes
This is a poem about the despair that prevails in Nepal right now..the saint that has been refered to is "Manjushree" who is supposed to have cut a mountain and drained out all the water from a lake to create Kathmandu..
Written January 6th, 2006
A contest entry
- Darkness in the Poems by StorminSk8trGirl.
300 points, ended January 26, 2006, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wow! powerful, and i love the history behind it! it speaks true saddness and passion for one's own lands. I adore the emotion you poured into this!!!
Rianna
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yet another elegant write filled with amazing imagery! Love your poems!!
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A real poetry i must say
Keep the pace
Mukti -
Very Good!
This is a very powerful write! I too write about my native country - Jamaica - and therefore welcome writes such as this, that pour sincere emotions into the heart and mind of the reader.
I do feel that, with a little manipulation, this piece could be even more outstanding. For example, words like and, now and once could be removed to add to the curt effect of the poem. Brevity is the key here, and with those small (unnecessary in this case) words the optimum desire is somewhat undermined.
This is just my opinion, and you can take it with a grain of salt
Other than that, this was a well written piece.
Thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you in the contest!
Stacy
Edited on Jan 21, 11:51 p.m. because ''. -
thanks for your comment..and thanks for your wishes for my country and my people..
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Expressive
You are much more worldly than I am. It wasn't until I read your author's comments that I fully understood. If this is your native country, I hope things will go well. I have learned something from this poem, and I thank you for that. The poem itself is a joy to read, understated elegance and concise. Best wishes, Poet -
Thank you for your comment..
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that is very good keep it up and good luck
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I find it very interesting that you write a lot about your homeland. I would be interested in knowing more. I've got to be really honest, I know nothing about Nepal, or the types of religions that stem therein. I do think though, that you have a very creative and loving style, yet at the same time, some of your writes seem to have a regretful overtone. Either way, I've enjoyed your work, and look forward to future posts.
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just the way i like my poems. short, sweet and strong. brevity is key. imagery is fluff. thats how i feel about poetry.
youre eloquent and to the point.
sometime, well all the time. when one masters brevity, nothing more needs to be said.
its only a matter of being eloquent.
25 stanza's does not necessarily make a poem, or a poet.
writing your emoitons from your heart. does.
when you can make or break a heart in this short a poem. thats poetry.
peace.
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It is good to see someone who is aware of what is going on in the world - and can treat a subject like this with dignity and restraint. So often poets seem to latch on to such tragic situations simply to express their own angst and anger - instead of letting the subject speak for itself.
I like the sparseness of the writing - few adjectives but those are all the more telling. But I am not very happy about 'the might of his sword'. It does sound a little 'well-worn'... Could you perhaps find something a little fresher?
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